"My whole house, it has nothing but marble, onyx and granite."
Monday, May 18, 2009 
YES, there were many more ridiculous things said on the premiere episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, but Teresa's proud statement about her bajillion dollar tacky-ass home just captured the essence of the whole show, an essence that can only be described as vulgar, tasteless, and true to every stereotype we've ever heard about north New Jersey.
I find this very exciting.
I'm not going to recap this episode (watch the whole thing here) because, disappointingly, it was not much different than the preview show. However, there were a few important added scenes:
1. Teresa's husband Joe is in "construction," and she pays a furniture bill of $120,ooo in CASH. You draw your own conclusions.
My prediction for the season--Joe's office moves to the space above the Bada Bing.
Teresa should also be given credit for the most jaw-dropping moment of the show when says she's building The Palace of Marble, Onyx and Granite because it makes her "shkeeve" to look at other people's houses. "I don't want to live in someone else's house--that's gross." Totally! That's why I demand a brand new toilet every time I have to pee someplace other than my own house.
Despite all of those disparaging comments I just made about her, she is my favorite, and not just because her husband could have me whacked at any moment. She's truly hilarious and I think her best moments are yet to come.
2. Remember Danielle, who was going on a date with her internet phone sex partner who goes by the name of (air quotes) "Gucci Model"?
He stands her up.
Then her implants explode while she's lifting weights, and she dies!
Just kidding. But really, those implants looked painfully strained during this scene.
3. Dina's husband is cheating on her. This was not said outright, but we can all read between the lines. We know he's cheated on her before and on the show she says that he's hardly ever home. He couldn't even make it home for this,
which is just inexcusable in my book.
Dina has been set up as the bitch royale, but I like her for now because she made fun of Teresa's house, calling it a "banquet hall."
4. All of the cast members are "best friends" with their daughters.
"Clean your room! It's so messy in here I can't even find the beer and weed I bought for you."5. Caroline's son Albie is HOT.
A little too close to mama, perhaps, but HOT nonetheless. Mmmm hmmm. We'll be keeping an eye on him.
Here's my deal with the Real Housewives of New Jersey: I'm going to wait until this season gets really juicy before I start recapping it. Frankly, the NYC women sucked the lifeblood out of me and I need to recharge. I'll still be posting and wanting to dish with all of you, but the recaps won't start for a few more weeks. Sound good? Okay. Let's talk.
**Update** I spelled Teresa's name wrong. I hate it when I spell names wrong. It has been corrected.
Reader Comments (47)
Did anyone else notice that quite a few clips of last night's show were also in the premiere? What is that about???
Teresa cracks me up - I actually know so many people like her...LOL Danielle creeps me out a and Dina's voice grates on my nerves - so nasally.
SGM, we need you to recap!!!
omg I wondered if Dina was the girl from that other show I watched about their wedding.
holy toledo that wedding show was a train wreck!!! oh dear...another woman willing to put up with shite for money. I hope it's worth it honey.
have to say I'm liking these women so far more than NYC. They seem to actually be friends [most are family] and the big hair and the Jwwwesy accents priceless.
I'm eating this crap up - this may be my favorite group yet. The fact that Teresa pays cash for everything is so classic - I've got to get my hubby into "construction". Danielle - ewww. Dina look promising, I kind of like her the best so far. Caroline is like the mob mama, and that Albie, yes, let's keep an eye on him (hotttt).
Albi = hot. I will also be keeping my eye on him.
This whole show is a ball of tackiness, but I'll still watch.
Excellent point about the bodyguard! God, I might even mug her myself.
Brittany, I specified "north" for you, my darling. :)
btw, the Countess has me saying "my darling" ALL THE TIME.
Does anyone else want to be invited over to Caroline's for dinner? I think Bravo should have a contest with that as the prize.
p.s. Albie can't be gay. He just can't!
Please recap soon! My one question from last night off the top of my head is more of a comment- I WOULD NEVER have my friend telling my daughter what is what unless I asked her. WTF Danielle? and doesn't she think that her older daughter would understand what she meant by asking the boy she dated about going to the bathroom??!! EEEWWWWWWW! SHe is skanky!!
PS-yes I meant to say "boy" 20 years younger like a reverse Count/Countess issue :)
yaaa, I think Albie might be gay too. Pretty sure in fact.
I have a feeling that Danielle is going to prove to be a complete crazy pants. and I for one c a n n o t wait!
A couple years ago I was watching "My Sweet 16" -- I know, ridiculous at age 40 -- but then "My Big Fat Italian Wedding" came on. And guess who it was?? An unknown Dina and her bastard, self-admitted cheat of a fiance. They got married at the Brownstone from the HWNJ show and it was over-the-top. I think it 600+ guests, over a million $$$ for the reception. I couldn't stop watching then and I won't stop now.
And I liked it when Teresa said "Happy wife, happy life". No truer words have been spoken on Bravo.
Elaine's gaydar is about as reality-based as her penis-size detector.
OK cannot WAIT for your recap of the second show...even if they are going to be fewer and farther between. That scene where she asks her date to go into the bathroom with her and he denies her?! CRINGING STILL!
I am LOVING this show so far and have very high hopes for this season. Looking forward to your recaps!!
I am just not sure I can bring myself to watch this time. The marble and onyx and granite monstrosity might just send me over the design edge. You may be able to draw me back in with your recaps however.....I will be reading!
And I thought Californians were bizarre. The mom Caroline is a little too creepy with her kids. And she needs to get her fat arse out of the juicy sweatpants - lady, they are for teenagers, not some 50-year old fat broad. And for all of them pushing the "we're ITALIAN" schtick, it gives Italians a bad name...the mob ought to whack the lot of them.
Are Teresa's daughters practicing for a career as hookers or strippers, I can't tell.
I reeeally hope Teresa reported that $120,000 on their 2008 tax return....
Albie is totally hot! This show is gonna be REALLY good I think. Total Mafia ties and these women..oh boy! Can't wait for it to continue to unfold!
I'm posting under a secret identity because I don't want any of them to be able to find me...
(is it working?)
Wow. This was... (no words)...
Danielle: Get ovah yahself.
How about we petition Bravo Andy to create a spin-off for Albie. Something like the Bachelor, but better.
Okay, your blog (and the comments) were almost funnier than the show. I will be tuning in in the future!
I cannot stop watching it. Help.