Fried Chicken and Two Buck Chuck
Tuesday, November 24, 2009 Remember when SGM reader Gayhooker graciously invited us to a big bash at Jeff Lewis' Valley Oak? I spent most of the evening in the driveway because of a restraining order (100 yards from Jeff Lewis at all times), but according to everyone who is anyone, it was the party of the year. Apparently the evening began with Gayhooker arriving via helicopter and ended with a disheveled Albie Manzo stumbling out at dawn, $5000 lighter and looking VERY happy. Lest you think this night was all about revelry, I can assure you it was not. Gayhooker loves to give back, and this fete raised a substantial amount of money for charity. But enough from me--the host himself has asked me to pass along the following message. Please, give it up for Gayhooker:
The party was a huge success and I simply couldn't go on another day without offering many thanks to all in attendance, for those who provided the delightful whore d'oeuvres, and of course, the Karmic Angels who supplied this evening's bountiful selection for our auction table.
The first big thank you goes to Countess Luann de Lesseps (seen arriving alone) for bringing the sik sik wat, which for those of you who aren't accustomed to ethnic cuisine, it’s an absolute must for any Thanksgiving table! Another huge thank you to my darling Luann for her generous offering of Class with the Countess, raising an astonishing undisclosed amount of money for the Karmic Angels.
Kim Zolciak, the grilled beaver was so tender and sweet it made my mouth water! And, by the way, we would have run out of the eggnog if it wasn’t for you and your extra 2 jugs of milk. Slade, thanks for the Mini Corn Dogs; while I generally prefer the full size version, beggars can’t be choosers, right Lauri? Huge love to Jill Zarin and Andy for the Matzo balls (Andy’s were a little too salty for my cup of tea). Speaking of tea, the question of the night was, “who would you bag; Jeff, Ryan, Andy, Simon, or conman entrepreneur Jim?” Thanks Harvey Millstein, Certified Interior Decorator, for keeping the conversations alive.
Nene, contrary to what people were saying, the fried chicken and two buck chuck were indeed a little hood, but I give you a big bam for making the effort. Speaking of hood, Martha brought her new boy-toy to the shindig…photo below.
Trudie, smooches for the pigs in blanket and the most uhmazing cheese ball I’ve ever witnessed; Tiffany for the chardonnay; and of course, Anon’s salsa and Cheese Whiz, which by the way, the salsa’s jalapenos were right up my alley office. Bethenny, you rocked the Skinny Girl Margaritas. Although next time use the good stuff, that shit you tried to pass-off as top shelf left me with a hangover the next day!
Ramona, thank you for the mini Baby Jesus pendants. Gretchen wears one proudly, caressing it each and every time she passes-by her shrine to Jeff. Speaking of Gretchen, the Karmic Angels would prefer that in the future, vibrating donations arrive in new condition; save the used ones for the garage sale bitch. As Gretchen herself put it, “being critiqued from head to toe, there’s one place I never neglect; [the cha-cha].”
Lynne Curtain, of Cuff Love, was so benevolent in her glorious donation that it set an all-time fund-raising record; I can’t wait until my box of leather skin cuffs arrive in the mail! Thank you Lynne!
Unfortunately, we didn’t raise any money from the Kelly Killoren Bensimon autographed copy of December Playboy, nor her Bea Arthur-esque Owl Pendants due the fact the fucking idiot couldn’t find the mofo house. Which leads me to another stupid bitch, MeMeMeMeMe Sheree. Whilst most of the party-goers weren’t the t-shirt wearing type, you gotta give the bitch props for taking her quotes and trying to make a buck. I had the highest bid that night for the black [shirt].
Dearest Mr. and Mrs. Ryan Monchamp-Brown, thank you for the lovely donation of high-end art, may God Bless yous twos. If I may, with my limited amount of free time due to the recent holiday rush around the alley office, please give me a little more to read other than finger painting; it is a professional design blog, right?
Vicki, we’re ever so humbled with the donation of one free course at Coto University and 2 pairs of mom jeans. Don’t get too excited bitches, they only come in sizes 40”-60”….their founder has to fit in them too ya know. I would like to add, however, my martini wouldn’t have been the same if she didn’t bring the jar of blue cheese stuffed olives.
Also, in cooperation with Princess Cruise Lines, thanks to those who donated sail-away-seminars including Donn, “How to Live with a Fucking Bitch and Stay Sober;” Dale, “How to Milk a Man;” and Shane, “How to Look Good While Working a Bat and Two Balls.”
Finally, a big shout out to Kara for getting the night off work from Pink Banana to waitress our special event; you got my back boo (call me when you want to hit up H&M again; my clients love me in some skinny jeans).
Stay tuned for details regarding the annual Bunko gala hosted by trashcan decorator Eddie Ross in December! How many of you out there under the age of sixty want him in a bow tie and nothing else?
Reader Comments (10)
see that big black guy behind martha? that's me. she bought 10 rufies from me right after that picture was taken. crunk party, gayhooker. thanks buddy.
God knows Jeff's nasty hangover will be riding Zoila especially hard all day to get that shit cleaned up. Who hates Roomba now, Zoila?
Oh My Gee! I will be reading this again, and again, and again. Hilarious! That damn Jesus pendant got me!
OOh I would have rathered suffered another repeat of the Adam Lambert's performance at the AMA's than Kim K's roadkill coochie.
who in the hell of a sonofabitchdawhore does Vicki think she is hawking some jeans?!! Honey you ain't got it. That is not da business...
Thank you gayhooker. Albie and I appreciate your not mentioning the Astroglide stain on the sofa we were unfairly accused of leaving.
Don't worry pumpkin; it's leather; wipes right off.
Gayhooker, thanks so much for the kind review of my whore d'oeuvres. I would have responded sooner, but I have been trying out new recipes for your next soiree. Assuming, of course, that I make the invitation list.
Oh babie, you'll be on the list - no need to crash.
SGM asked you bring halayang ube, rellenong bangus, longganisa, adobo, pochero, and kare-kare.
Harvey already has dibbs on the lechón and lumpia.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW IT WASN"T ME WHO THREW UP ON YOUR BLUE CARPETED TOILET SEAT COVER-- THAT WAS BETHENNY! I was just in there to help her clean up because I thought she was sick-- UNTIL I SAW THE TOOTHMARKS ON YOUR TOOTHBRUSH, GH. SO then that asshole Tamra had to start spreading a rumor about how I barfed on the toilet seat and it was just totally inappropriate and unclassy. And guess what? Bethenny didn't even correct her! Well, thanks to Harvey, because of his experience with synthetic fabrics, he knew just what to do and sprayed Febreze all over the place. But I can't help what happened after that-- Bethenny ate a whole bowl of Fritos and headed right back in there to get rid of it all. Well, I knew better than to go in there again. Why'd you invite Tamra anyway, you KNOW how she feels about hanging out with hookers!