This is what's in store for you tonight (those using a reader, click on through):
Take THAT, Kelly! Nevah, evah flirt with Bethenny's man. (Isn't that Beth whats-her-face sitting next to Kelly?)
Also, check this shit out:
WOOOOOO! She's hanging on my every tweet, you guys! (Actually, she follows anyone who follows her. She's so polite, that Bethenny. Except when you hit on her boyfriend. Oh, and actually I don't tweet at all, I'm just a follower. Like, if you told me that drinking tainted Kool Aid with my fellow cult members would bring me closer to God, I would totally do it.)
One more thing: Bethenny is claiming that she can make Oprah thin with virtually no exercise. How? By making Oprah a fragile neurotic wreck who asks for relationship advice from Silex? Just jokes, Bethenny! (Oh God, I hope I haven't pissed her off.)
There's an RHOC/RHNYC marathon on right now for those of you who'd like to catch up. See you soon!
Whenever I hear a sentence that begins with those words, my hand automatically clenches into a fist because chances are, the speaker needs a punch in mouth. You'll be happy to know that the Countess is no exception, as she ends her sentence with "...is that guys are fed up with being too equal." That sounds like the man's problem to me, but whatever. Point is, the Countess thinks women should hide their intelligence in order to get a man. Fantastic advice, Countess! For the 18th century. Maybe you should move there--you'd fit right in.
This week's episode of Real Housewives of New York was not jam-packed with the drama to which we've grown accustomed, but it still had some wonderfully entertaining moments. Let's recap!
1. Bethenny is staying at Ramoner's house in the Hamptons for Labor Day weekend. They are walking dogs outside and chatting, and the subject of Ramoner and Luann's epic fight comes up. Apparently, Ramoner was initially contrite and sent the Countess Champagne after the incident (impressive, Ramoner!), but as more time passed she realized that "[Luann] was the jerk. I did nothing wrong!" Ramoner claims that she was only stating a fact--that indeed Luann did marry an "old man."
Ramoner also does this embarrassing/excellent impression of the Countess being all "oh dahling! La di dah!":
Then there is an entirely too long discussion about whether Mario is gorgeous or not. Bethenny tells the camera that she and Ramoner are "on the same page" in regard to Luann. I clench my fist again, but this time in VICTORY.
2. Still in the Hamptons, the Countess' 13 year old daughter, Victoria, is packing for boarding school. The best moment of this scene is when Luann asks where the hamster is. Oh, he died. There was a little funeral complete with backyard burial and Luann had no idea. Never one to take responsibility, she just blames it on Victoria--"she's too busy!" Luann then asks son Noel if he's brushed his teeth, fed the dog, fed the fish. Noel informs her that the fish is dead too. Holy smokes. Watch out, Astin. The chances of you making it to your next lavish doggy birthday party are NOT GOOD.
Here, Astin, yummy rat poison kibbles!
The Countess and Victoria have this forced "I'm so proud of you" conversation in which Luann unconvincingly plays the role of Mother Who Will Actually Notice that Her Daughter is Gone. (Oh my, I am harsh today.) Anyhow, after this scene, my husband (who thinks I get way too worked up about La Comtesse) remarked dryly, "that was touching."
3. Back in the city--Simon and Alex arrive home from their vacation in St. Bart's. Their house is a WRECK, and they are disappointed to see that their renovation is moving so slowly. They sort through their Fashion Week invites with practiced nonchalance. It is strangely painful because you get the impression that they think they are being invited because they are Famous and Fashionable--not because they are on a reality show and might give the designers some free press.
Did anyone else notice the mofo dreamcatchers taped to a closet door? Like, 2 XL dreamcatchers affixed to a door with big strips of painter's tape. What on earth? This delighted me to NO END.
4. Blah blah blah with the Countess about how Victoria is gone and Noel is enjoying being king of taco night (or some shit like that). What I did notice is that when she was talking to Rosanna about her love of Celine Dion (!), I couldn't understand her because she was talking with her mouth full. As Bethenny suggested in the last episode, if you're gonnna declare war on something, you best not be caught doing it yourself. I believe that's what we call a hypocrite. Or the religious right. (ooooh, was that out of nowhere or what?)
5. Brad clears out Jill's Manhattan apartment for redecoration. Bobby gave his approval, but Jill did not. She had no idea her apartment was going to empty when she returned from the Hamptons. "WHERE'S MY STUFF?" she yells several times in her Long Island accent, and Brad scurries around trying to appease her. I curl up into a ball and wait for it to end. I hate it when Mommy's mad at Daddy.
6. All of the Housewives are invited to a party hosted by Russel Simmons and Sting. Simon is all puffed up as he tells the camera that party promoters like to "reach out to recognizable people." At the party, we see him being introduced as the OWNER of the Hotel Chandler, when he is in fact the MANAGER. There was some mumbly mumbly to Alex at this point that I couldn't quite catch, but the fact is, he did nothing to correct the person. wtf, Simon? (Actually, you can read his blog to see his explanation.)
We then see Ramoner talking shit about Silex and then conspicuously ignoring them. Ah, Ramoner, just when we start to warm up to you, you start acting like a damn wackjob again.
Luann learns from Silex that they are writing a parenting book. She gives them loads of fake smiles and says "well, that's fun!" Cut to Luann derisively laughing and telling the camera, "judging from their children's behavior, I don't think they'd be the authority on that." Yeah, that'd be like some rude pretentious a-hole writing a book about manners, huh? JESUS.
7. Luann shows up at Kelly's for a cooking lesson. YAWN, except for the fact that Kelly has a LIFE SIZE sculpture of a horse in the middle of her living room and Luann behaves as if she is Kelly's despised mother-in-law ("Why are you having them wear sweaters? They'll get hot! Look, they're hot!" and "Stop being the mommy, please. They [the children] are fine.")
8. Ramoner and Avery go shoe shopping. If you think you are embarrassed watching Ramoner, just imagine how you'd feel if you were her 13 year old daughter. Oy. Ramona has Avery try on some sky-high heels just for fun, and suddenly, Avery is transformed into va va voom! Seriously, our Avery's all grown up. Ramoner gets teary, drops $3756 on 5 pair of shoes, and they leave.
9. Bethenny and Luann go out for lunch. Bethenny says she wants to get past the retouching incident because she thinks Luann is a "pretty cool woman in general." Ooooh, that opinion is about to change!
First, Luann informs B that Silex are writing a book about parenting and then literally throws her head back and guffaws.
I know that many of us had the same reaction, but we 1) aren't on national tv, 2) we don't claim to be friends with Silex, and 3) we aren't claiming to be EXPERTS in ETIQUETTE. Let's leave it at that, shall we?
Bethenny tells the Countess that she has a date. "What does he look like?" is naturally her first question. Then Luann proceeds to spend the whole lunch patronizing Bethenny and instructing her on the fine art of seduction.
"You must speak slowly, and let him look at your lips."
"Do you think I am retarded?"
To top it off, Luann tells the camera that Bethenny's a little too aggro and needs to tone it down. To Bethenny's face, she says "don't be sharp as a whip." WHAT? I also get the impression that the Countess doesn't think much of Bethenny's boobs, either:
Bethenny is ANNOYED. She tells the camera that she's being treated as if she's never gone out on a date in her life. Bethenny, all of us watching--we get it. We know that you could get 10 men in the time it would take the Countess to get one. The problem is not that you can't find anyone, but that you can't find The One. The Countess is a self-absorbed blowhard, and that's pretty much the only thing anyone learned from this scene. I practially stood up and cheered when you said to the camera, "Luann doesn't have a better life than anyone else. That she wants me to emulate her...drop everything for Prince Charming...it's delusional." AMEN.
10. Bethenny goes on her date, which happens to be with a fellow chef. To sum up how it went, my husband, who was just passing through said, "he's gay, right?" Our girl B definitely wasn't feeling any chemistry.
11. Alex is helping Bethenny with her booth at a health fair. Poor B starts rehashing her man problems AGAIN, but it is made tolerable by the fact that she drops many of her trademark a-bomb one liners. For example, she and Alex wander up to another booth and Bethenny loudly asks Alex if she slept with Simon on the first date. Then she realizes that the vendor is staring straight at her and she suddenly smiles at him and says "Namaste!" while going into this mini-yogi pose. Love her. FYI, Alex and Simon had sex on the second date.
Alex gets all tearful as she relates a wedding night story to the camera, something about how she told Simon to take care of her heart, and he always has. I'm so glad she found him. Really. Simon being off the market and happy means that dozens of women in NYC have been spared sure-to-be uncomfortable blind dates with him.
12. Jill visits Alex and Simon's renovation (and btw, they are still living there). Apparently Jill felt so badly for bashing them to Cindy Adams, she has offered to "take care of them" with any of their fabric needs. YOWZA. That's a lot of money. Jill is horrified when she sees the house. Calls it a total disaster, unsafe, and says to the camera "I would NEVAH live in that squalor." SQUALOR!
Indeed, the house is pretty bad, but Jill acts like they are living in underground sewers. Silex, make no mistake, you will pay for every cent of that "free" fabric!
NEXT WEEK: tension and anger between Bethenny and Kelly. Why? Oh, I can't wait to find out. See you next week!
That's right, Mrs. Bitchface! Bethenny is talking about YOU. You got a problem with that? DO YOU? Because, "as we say in French," you are due for "le beatdown" and I think, after this week's episode, I could convince Bethenny and Ramoner (along with half of the RHNYC viewing audience) to give it to you. Watch your back, skank.
1. Jill is totally sick of the decor in her apartment and needs to move or completely redecorate. She's at the end of her rope. Life is so cruel! Her gay husband/employee/interior designer, Brad creates an elaborate storyboard and presents it for Jill's approval. Jill reacts with this:
Jill, is this really necessary? You look like Brad just asked Bobby for a blow j, when really he was just explaining that the fabric he had picked was not gray, but taupe.
I understand that he's (very) annoying, but he's your hand-picked gay husband and he worked hard on this presentation. Show him some respect.
That being said, there was not nearly enough of you in this show. We need at least a good 15 minutes of Jill per episode. Hear that, Bravo?
2. Alex and Simon meet with an architect about their $200K renovation. Here's the clip.
There seem to be two camps when it comes to Silex--the first believes them to be pretentious and uber-creepy and the second sees them as eccentric and socially clueless, but harmless. I was actually migrating toward the second camp until, during this scene (not in the clip) Alex tells the beleaguered architect she wants built-in bookshelves so she can "go to The Strand and purchase the entire works of Dickens and Shakespeare" and "get a hassock back there for the boys." Swear to God, when I repeat this quote in my mind, I hear her speaking in a fake British accent. She goes on to blah blah blah about some people's bookcases are just for show, but hers are not. Obviously, because Bravo pans out to see her current bookshelves, which are straight-up Wal-Mart 1996 (nothing wrong with that, btw, unless you act like a big snob).
To the architect: what a couple of windbags, huh? Kudos for not blowing your brains out during your meetings with them--hope you charged them extra.
It's a regular old photoshoot and nothing is particularly memorable except for the fact that the magazine's editor-in-chief, Devorah Rose, happens to be one of the most obnoxious and puerile people to have ever walked the face of the earth. Not even kidding. For those of you who didn't watch this episode, let me to give you an idea: if you took any one of the idiots from Rock of Love Bus, removed her implants and gave her a rich daddy--that's Devorah Rose. Get this: she tells Bravo's cameras, "if you're not in it [the magazine] then I feel sorry for you." What? She's damn lucky she's not on Rock of Love Bus, because that kind of shit-talking gets your extensions pulled out and salsa dumped in your suitcase.
4. Bethenny and the Countess meet for lunch. The Countess tells Bethenny that she's volunteered B's culinary services to Hope Lodge, which is a residence for cancer patients. Bethenny tells the camera that the Countess never asked, she just informed her of her role. And why does this surprise you, Bethenny?
The topic turns to the Countess' book, Class with the Countess. When Bethenny hears the name, you can tell she thinks it's ridiculous but is trying to be tactful. Like the rest of us, Bethenny does not understand what makes the Countess an expert in etiquette. Is it the mere fact that she married the Count? Bethenny wants to know.
This peon, she dares to question me. Guards! Send her to the gallows!"
But the the Countess scoffs. Why would anyone question her qualifications as a manners expert? Bethenny continues to grill her "...but I'm not sure I really understand" and the Countess looks exasperated as she tells the camera, "the de Lesseps have made such contributions!"
Listen, lady. You star in a reality tv show and are the fourth wife of a dusty (see below) French aristocrat who is always "out of the country." Your personality is equal parts rude and fake. Honey, you are no more qualified to teach people about class than Tila Tequila. Actually, I think Tila might be more qualified.
Back to lunch. Bethenny calls it when she tells the camera "being the authority on class is really holding yourself to a high standard. That's a glass house waiting to be shattered." Prescient!
(btw, have you seen the Countess' reaction to ditching the bill for her surfing lesson last week? Read it here. SUCH an asshole.)
5. Kelly Bensimon is on for about two seconds. She takes Ramoner to a "model museum," which I thought had to do with Kelly being, you know, a model. But I'm the dumbass, as the museum was filled with models, as in tiny buildings. WEIRD. And BORING. Ramoner talks to the camera: "She's very tall, Kelly. Her shoulders are wider than my husband's!" TRUE. Kelly was very masculine in this scene. Your wickedly clever Mama calls her Kelly Bensi-MAN and it makes me giggle. I hate to turn on her so early in the game, but her deep voice isn't helping matters.
6. Now for the good stuff! Bethenny and Ramoner are in servitude to the Countess, cooking dinner at Hope Lodge for the cancer patients. Bethenny announces that she is going to be on the cover of Social Life Magazine. The Countess' remarks are all stapled together here thanks to Bravo's editing, but she says something along the lines of "will there be retouching?" and Bethenny's all "what a jerk!" to the camera. Remember this.
Then, as most of you know, Ramoner and the Countess go at it, as seen here. To summarize, Ramoner says the Count looks like an "old man" and the Countess goes apeshit. Ramoner tries to explain herself but just keeps digging herself in deeper, and the only thing that could have made this scene more uncomfortable is if Ramoner started singing "Viva, Viagra!" at the top of her lungs (that song has been in my head all damn day and now I am imparting it to you. My apologies.)
What we don't see in the clip is that prior to this fight, the Countess is (surprise!) being totally condescending to Ramoner as Ramoner is trying to give dating advice to Bethenny. As Bethenny tells the camera, "LuAnn passively-aggressively slapped Ramoner, and Ramoner slapped her back." As much as I dislike Ramoner, I loathe the Countess, and this explanation works for me. Ramoner was entitled to retaliate.
The Countess storms off, then eventually comes back and demands an apology from Ramoner. "THIS is the American Cancer Society!" the Countess huffs, as if that has anything to do with fucking anything. Ramoner readily offers up several apologies. The Countess tells the camera, "it was MY evening and she managed to make it upsetting." Yeah, screw those whiny cancer patients--it's all about LUANN.
Jill shows up and Bethenny runs to her with a "you are NOT going to believe this!" My favorite line of the entire episode (and maybe the season) is Bethenny's comment that "this [fight] made you and Ramoner look like kittens playing in a basket!"
Ramoner's even chuckling about it at this point, but stands by her comments about the Count: "it's very obvious he's an old man." God love that crazy-ass Ramoner.
7. Bethenny invites the Countess out for lunch. She's still hurt about the "will there be retouching?" comment and wants to confront the Countess about it. The Countess denies saying it ("No, no, I said how great!") and then says that the retouching comment was just her way of being "protective." The Countess gives this bitchy, half-assed apology and tells Bethenny she's being "ultra-sensitive." Aw, what a thoughtful and caring friend! So gracious.
Bethenny won't let it drop. "Attackive!" is what the Countess calls it. ( I know, wtf?) At this point, the Countess doesn't give a shit and isn't even giving Bethenny eye contact anymore; she just keeps looking around disinterestedly. "I'm happy for you," she says unconvincingly. Bethenny tells the camera, "I wasn't buying it. Not a big deal, but not unnoticed."
As I said, watch your back, Countess.
8. As part of her cover girl duty, Bethenny is hosting a party for Social Life Magazine. All of the housewives are there partying it up (minus Kelly)(why is she on this show?). The Countess is being interviewed by the insipid Devorah Rose, who says "I heard there was a retouching issue!" or something like that. The Countess plays dumb and escapes. Ha! You can tell from her expression that she is PISSED that B is telling other people this story.
Then, there is the most amazing extended footage of Ramoner dancing by herself and looking like the village idiot. I might try to post it on youtube.
The Countess, running from Devorah, busts in on the gathering of housewives and hurriedly toasts Bethenny with her "chin chin" bs and then abruptly says good-bye. "Alex [the Count] is home with the kids," she says as she runs off, "and he's too busy drooling in his wheelchair to care for them." Just kidding on that last part, but her reason for leaving is met with raised eyebrows from everyone because DUH, Rosie is the only one who ever takes care of those kids.
The End.
Thanks to all of you who emailed me for a chance to win the Countess' book--I had the best time reading your entries. You are some clever bitches! The two lucky winners will be announced tomorrow. Can't wait for those book reviews to roll in.
Until tomorrow, chin chin! (which also happens to mean "penis". How effing sweet is that?!)
UPDATE: The Countess has a manners blog here. Ugh.
1. Enter to win by emailing me at scentedglossymagazines@gmail.com with your best story about bad manners and/or why you desperately need this book. (and if you are wondering, you do desperately need this book)
2. Entries are due by this Wednesday at midnight EST.
3. The winners will be notified on Thursday, and the winning entries will be posted here (anonymously, if desired) on Friday.
4. I will expect, but not require, book reviews from the winners. Mmmm hmmm.
There you have it. Good luck!
I leave you with a lesson in manners, taught by the Countess herself. The question is, "what do you do when a bug-eyed flailing nutcase tells you that she thinks your husband is an old man?" Apparently the answer is that you make fun of her bug-eyes and tell her that she's rude and has no manners. Watch and learn, my friends. Watch and learn. (If you're reading this through a reader, click on through)
*Sadly, I have not laid my hands on the book yet, but it will be shipped to the winners directly from Bravo when it is released in April.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009 
WOOOOOO! She's hanging on my every tweet, you guys! (Actually, she follows anyone who follows her. She's so polite, that Bethenny. Except when you hit on her boyfriend. Oh, and actually I don't tweet at all, I'm just a follower. Like, if you told me that drinking tainted Kool Aid with my fellow cult members would bring me closer to God, I would totally do it.)
