"Marrying someone with a title doesn't give you class."
Thursday, March 12, 2009 
*UPDATED BELOW*
That's right, Mrs. Bitchface! Bethenny is talking about YOU. You got a problem with that? DO YOU? Because, "as we say in French," you are due for "le beatdown" and I think, after this week's episode, I could convince Bethenny and Ramoner (along with half of the RHNYC viewing audience) to give it to you. Watch your back, skank.
Ahem.
Let us proceed with the recap for this week's very entertaining Real Housewives of NYC.
1. Jill is totally sick of the decor in her apartment and needs to move or completely redecorate. She's at the end of her rope. Life is so cruel! Her gay husband/employee/interior designer, Brad creates an elaborate storyboard and presents it for Jill's approval. Jill reacts with this:
Jill, is this really necessary? You look like Brad just asked Bobby for a blow j, when really he was just explaining that the fabric he had picked was not gray, but taupe.
I understand that he's (very) annoying, but he's your hand-picked gay husband and he worked hard on this presentation. Show him some respect.
That being said, there was not nearly enough of you in this show. We need at least a good 15 minutes of Jill per episode. Hear that, Bravo?
2. Alex and Simon meet with an architect about their $200K renovation. Here's the clip.
There seem to be two camps when it comes to Silex--the first believes them to be pretentious and uber-creepy and the second sees them as eccentric and socially clueless, but harmless. I was actually migrating toward the second camp until, during this scene (not in the clip) Alex tells the beleaguered architect she wants built-in bookshelves so she can "go to The Strand and purchase the entire works of Dickens and Shakespeare" and "get a hassock back there for the boys." Swear to God, when I repeat this quote in my mind, I hear her speaking in a fake British accent. She goes on to blah blah blah about some people's bookcases are just for show, but hers are not. Obviously, because Bravo pans out to see her current bookshelves, which are straight-up Wal-Mart 1996 (nothing wrong with that, btw, unless you act like a big snob).
To the architect: what a couple of windbags, huh? Kudos for not blowing your brains out during your meetings with them--hope you charged them extra.
3. Bethenny is photographed for Social Life Magazine.
It's a regular old photoshoot and nothing is particularly memorable except for the fact that the magazine's editor-in-chief, Devorah Rose, happens to be one of the most obnoxious and puerile people to have ever walked the face of the earth. Not even kidding. For those of you who didn't watch this episode, let me to give you an idea: if you took any one of the idiots from Rock of Love Bus, removed her implants and gave her a rich daddy--that's Devorah Rose. Get this: she tells Bravo's cameras, "if you're not in it [the magazine] then I feel sorry for you." What? She's damn lucky she's not on Rock of Love Bus, because that kind of shit-talking gets your extensions pulled out and salsa dumped in your suitcase.
4. Bethenny and the Countess meet for lunch. The Countess tells Bethenny that she's volunteered B's culinary services to Hope Lodge, which is a residence for cancer patients. Bethenny tells the camera that the Countess never asked, she just informed her of her role. And why does this surprise you, Bethenny?
The topic turns to the Countess' book, Class with the Countess. When Bethenny hears the name, you can tell she thinks it's ridiculous but is trying to be tactful. Like the rest of us, Bethenny does not understand what makes the Countess an expert in etiquette. Is it the mere fact that she married the Count? Bethenny wants to know.
This peon, she dares to question me. Guards! Send her to the gallows!"But the the Countess scoffs. Why would anyone question her qualifications as a manners expert? Bethenny continues to grill her "...but I'm not sure I really understand" and the Countess looks exasperated as she tells the camera, "the de Lesseps have made such contributions!"
Listen, lady. You star in a reality tv show and are the fourth wife of a dusty (see below) French aristocrat who is always "out of the country." Your personality is equal parts rude and fake. Honey, you are no more qualified to teach people about class than Tila Tequila. Actually, I think Tila might be more qualified.
Back to lunch. Bethenny calls it when she tells the camera "being the authority on class is really holding yourself to a high standard. That's a glass house waiting to be shattered." Prescient!
(btw, have you seen the Countess' reaction to ditching the bill for her surfing lesson last week? Read it here. SUCH an asshole.)
5. Kelly Bensimon is on for about two seconds. She takes Ramoner to a "model museum," which I thought had to do with Kelly being, you know, a model. But I'm the dumbass, as the museum was filled with models, as in tiny buildings. WEIRD. And BORING. Ramoner talks to the camera: "She's very tall, Kelly. Her shoulders are wider than my husband's!" TRUE. Kelly was very masculine in this scene. Your wickedly clever Mama calls her Kelly Bensi-MAN and it makes me giggle. I hate to turn on her so early in the game, but her deep voice isn't helping matters.
6. Now for the good stuff! Bethenny and Ramoner are in servitude to the Countess, cooking dinner at Hope Lodge for the cancer patients. Bethenny announces that she is going to be on the cover of Social Life Magazine. The Countess' remarks are all stapled together here thanks to Bravo's editing, but she says something along the lines of "will there be retouching?" and Bethenny's all "what a jerk!" to the camera. Remember this.
Then, as most of you know, Ramoner and the Countess go at it, as seen here. To summarize, Ramoner says the Count looks like an "old man" and the Countess goes apeshit. Ramoner tries to explain herself but just keeps digging herself in deeper, and the only thing that could have made this scene more uncomfortable is if Ramoner started singing "Viva, Viagra!" at the top of her lungs (that song has been in my head all damn day and now I am imparting it to you. My apologies.)
What we don't see in the clip is that prior to this fight, the Countess is (surprise!) being totally condescending to Ramoner as Ramoner is trying to give dating advice to Bethenny. As Bethenny tells the camera, "LuAnn passively-aggressively slapped Ramoner, and Ramoner slapped her back." As much as I dislike Ramoner, I loathe the Countess, and this explanation works for me. Ramoner was entitled to retaliate.
The Countess storms off, then eventually comes back and demands an apology from Ramoner. "THIS is the American Cancer Society!" the Countess huffs, as if that has anything to do with fucking anything. Ramoner readily offers up several apologies. The Countess tells the camera, "it was MY evening and she managed to make it upsetting." Yeah, screw those whiny cancer patients--it's all about LUANN.
Jill shows up and Bethenny runs to her with a "you are NOT going to believe this!" My favorite line of the entire episode (and maybe the season) is Bethenny's comment that "this [fight] made you and Ramoner look like kittens playing in a basket!"
Ramoner's even chuckling about it at this point, but stands by her comments about the Count: "it's very obvious he's an old man." God love that crazy-ass Ramoner.
7. Bethenny invites the Countess out for lunch. She's still hurt about the "will there be retouching?" comment and wants to confront the Countess about it. The Countess denies saying it ("No, no, I said how great!") and then says that the retouching comment was just her way of being "protective." The Countess gives this bitchy, half-assed apology and tells Bethenny she's being "ultra-sensitive." Aw, what a thoughtful and caring friend! So gracious.
Bethenny won't let it drop. "Attackive!" is what the Countess calls it. ( I know, wtf?) At this point, the Countess doesn't give a shit and isn't even giving Bethenny eye contact anymore; she just keeps looking around disinterestedly. "I'm happy for you," she says unconvincingly. Bethenny tells the camera, "I wasn't buying it. Not a big deal, but not unnoticed."
As I said, watch your back, Countess.
8. As part of her cover girl duty, Bethenny is hosting a party for Social Life Magazine. All of the housewives are there partying it up (minus Kelly)(why is she on this show?). The Countess is being interviewed by the insipid Devorah Rose, who says "I heard there was a retouching issue!" or something like that. The Countess plays dumb and escapes. Ha! You can tell from her expression that she is PISSED that B is telling other people this story.
Then, there is the most amazing extended footage of Ramoner dancing by herself and looking like the village idiot. I might try to post it on youtube.
The Countess, running from Devorah, busts in on the gathering of housewives and hurriedly toasts Bethenny with her "chin chin" bs and then abruptly says good-bye. "Alex [the Count] is home with the kids," she says as she runs off, "and he's too busy drooling in his wheelchair to care for them." Just kidding on that last part, but her reason for leaving is met with raised eyebrows from everyone because DUH, Rosie is the only one who ever takes care of those kids.
The End.
Thanks to all of you who emailed me for a chance to win the Countess' book--I had the best time reading your entries. You are some clever bitches! The two lucky winners will be announced tomorrow. Can't wait for those book reviews to roll in.
Until tomorrow, chin chin! (which also happens to mean "penis". How effing sweet is that?!)
UPDATE: The Countess has a manners blog here. Ugh.
Reader Comments (34)
WHY THEY HELL AM I LAUGHING MY ASS OFF! OMG!!! The shot of Ramoner dancing alone like a fluke is priceless..I kept rewinding and rewinding...like what the hell...And what about the shot of the two crazys in the damn blow up pool...I was DONE, D-O-N-E done..them throwing the ball and all was a bit much..
this episode was all kinds of sensational!!! ramona dancing like a gogo girl in a back brace, bethenney and jill constantly throwing gasoline on any fire that presents itself, simon and alex being way too evolved in the realm of interior design to put granite in their kitchen and the countess who is the self proclaimed authority on class yet handled the ramona situation with none at all. ever noticed that she laughs when she says something snarky?
all these women do is undermine each other and give blatant backhanded compliments. love it.
I feel like at this point in the season we have to give a well deserved "chin chin" to the editors of this weekly masterpiece. I mean, "how great" was it to see Mareeyo and Ramoner sipping white wine in their flawless glistening pool and sprawling lawns then cut to the flophouse and inflate-a-pool that is Simon and Alex. Hey Countess, that is what I call contributions "my sweet".
Dammit, I missed the bad manners contest!
RHONYC was a ping pong match of bitch slaps! Bethenney telling Count-less that titles don't buy class, Count-less telling Bethanney that she hopes the magazine air brushes her ass, Ramoner telling Count-less that the Count is an old goat twice her age...
I don't have time for anymore of this. Gotta get to the mall...
SGM!!! you missed the best part.
hello?! Simex in their backyard blow up POOL!!!! i wanted to die. my trailor trash co-worker has an above ground pool out behind her doublewide. at least she's not trying to do a $200k remodel to the trailor...
fabulous episode. on the surface i only watch for the shots of the hamptons, but really i love these catty biotches!
I think my favorite part of the showe was when Simon says the renovation should take three months! It will take them three months just to remove the futons and crap from the place before the can even begin working!
Also, I met Devorah at some party a while back and she is even creepier in person. I am not even sure how she can consider herself a socialite. Everyone knows socialites don't work.
Newsflash to the Countess--you don't need to say "as we say in French" whenever you use a French phrase such as "bon appetit" or "faux pas". Even we plebes know what they mean.
I loved the blow up pool. And I loved how Alex and Simon were so quick to point out that most townhome and apartment dwellers don't even have a backyard.
Oh poor those people! No blow up pools!
Viva! Viagra!
You have me in stitches! This episode was incredible. I was cracking up at how delusional Simon and Alex were in terms of their renovation. Ramona really has no filter and I kind of love her for it. The countess is a pretentious bitch and I'm hoping that someone will call her on it very soon.
Ha. The ladies really could not let anything roll of their back this week--nor could they pull out a sincere apology. All that refusal to be "in the wrong" was getting boring after awhile.
I am ready for the Bethenny vs. Kelly smackdown! She got some zingers in on the Today show.
This was easily the best episode ever in the history of the housewives series. The blow up pool was priceless. Absolutely priceless. And is it weird that I'm starting to sort of love Ramona? Not as much as Jill obviously, but she adds that crazy ass wild card aspect to every episode. The Countess is insane. I loved her storming off at Hope Lodge being like "and these people mean so much to me!" Like she knows them!
i looked it up and the count i 60. so countess is 45, since she says she's 15 yrs younger.
you didn't mention ramona's almost-under-her-breath comment that she wouldn't want her daughter bringing home a 15-years-older dude - no kidding!!! i wonder how countess would feel if victoria was dating a 32yo. maybe okay, if he had a title.
her *horrified* reaction re: count being in his 60s -- and he is!!
i can't believe you didn't mention the blow-up pool. bravo, bravo tv for silex and the never-ending pool of comparison shots: ramoner's pool vs. the blow-up pool, silex's shabby rental vs. jill's house in the hamptons, and et cetera. genius!
BIGGEST QUESTION: bethanny's book about getting skinny came out *before* the countess's tome on manners - why no mention on the show? why no direct hawking of her wares to the camera? bethanny, girl, you have class. and you didn't need to read the countess's book to get it!
(once the countess's book comes out, how many times a day do you think they will check their amazon stats to see who is selling more copies? the c will probably have rosie do it.)
one question, who air kisses their husband? (Eurokiss or whatever you
call it). Surely I'm not the only one that thinks poor Mareeo is p-whipped? Pathetic, he must be getting some on the side! Maybe that's why the countess had to hightail it home, to check the old geezer wasn't cheating on her selfish, stuck-up butt!
Oh, I agree with everyone on the delusions of Simon and Alex thinking a 2 floor renovation will cost $200,000 and take 3 months. I am doing that right now in a much cheaper state for that amount and we are on month 14. But then again, I don't have a hassock for my faux intellectual toddlers to read Dickens. Good luck assholes!
You ladies all crack me up - the comments are truly terrific! SGM - brilliant as usual.
My daughter thought the Hope Lodge was "Hoplage" (French accent required) - some gorgeous Manhattan spa in Barneys, the way LuAnn was pronouncing it : )
I loved how the gay husband asked Jill why she's having a nervous breakdown because NO ONE else is having one!
How can Silex do the reno for 200K?
Kelly is really a wast of time.
"Go-go girl in a back brace" - ahh the image.
Another brilliant summary - LuAnn is such idiot - the whole retouching thing was stupid and yes, Countess your husband is OLD. You are absolutely correct about Jill - not enough this week, but the previews for next week when she visits Silex look fantastic! BTW I think I saw that Devorah or whatever her stupid name is on that Stylista show a couple of years ago and she was an waste of space on that one too.
Bethanny is the one who should publish a(nother) book. Of her aphorisms: the kittens in the basket comment, DisCountess, and my second favorite from this episode: Jill "could talk the hind legs off a donkey", etc., etc. She is priceless with these zings and I wait for them every week.
Bravo is/was re-running the "Lost Footage" episode from last year which I somehow missed. Worth watching for the Statue of Liberty bit alone. In so many ways.
My favorite comment for this episode was when Alex called her pool "a luxury that people in the city don't have." I like luxury...do you like luxury? That broad is priceless!
Her bookcases aren't just for show either, so take that all you fake book reading posers! What a douche.
So I totally missed the boat by not mentioning the squishy pool sitting on DIRT. Not a big deal until they're all "we are SO lucky to have this luxurious pooooool."
We also need to discuss Ramoner's bikini, and how old is too old to be wearing one.
"Good luck, assholes!" cracked me up. I join in that sentiment. The reno is going to cost $200k--what about furnishing the place? That's at least another $100k, knowing them.
Where are they getting the money?
What was that thing Bethenny said, something along the lines of "But if your name had been Countess Lipschitz..."?
Ralph Lauren's real name is Ralph Lifshitz.
best of the best rh scene ever,possibly:
the ramoner dancing edit with stray crazy person hair clip in the back (GENIUS)
and yes, I now fully agree that the van kempens are acting stupid. harmless but ridiculous. 'settle down there alex'
also, I need to remind you all, that Ramoner didn't say that he was an old man. Lu ann did. and ramona just nodded.
Why wouldn't Lu Ann just take it as a compliment? like, 'wow, thanks I haven't been half my husband's age for 15 years, but thanks for assuming I'm 26"
also, can we do the math? the guy married his 5th wife at 42?
wtf indeed.
chin chin, awesome recap
Yeah, where are they getting the money to renovate - I read that Alex just lost her job at Victoria's Secret. I think it was on People.com
Yeah and 200K is wishful thinking for sure. Maybe they should throw some money in for some damn landscaping for their "pool".
i was liking ramona before this episode, but the mental-patient-on-the-loose-and-off-the-meds dance routine sealed the deal. i LOVE her.
i also have a new found fondness for alex and simon. c'mon: they're so nuts, how can you help but adore them? given the current economy, we should ALL adopt that attitude. i just LOVE their baldface refusal to admit they feel as stupid as they look.
Simon is so smug when he was talking about how architects hate clients like him because all they got to do was implement "his ideas."
What is up with their need to act like the two most original people on the planet? It is such a crack up.
Last season they irritated me, but this season they remind me of two aliens placed on planet earth (kind of like 3rd Rock From the Sun).