The Return of Bananas

Richele tipped us off, and I'd like to confirm that Rachel Zoe is indeed coming back for a second season of The Rachel Zoe Project. Thank God!

Before we throw on our dangly bracelets and fur, let's discuss Rachel's alleged reconciliation with Nicole Richie. How on earth do you shoot the breeze for twenty minutes with the bitch who called you Raisinface to the world? Either Rachel is a much bigger person than I (figuratively, of course) or else the whole thing reeks of fake-assery. We need NeNe and Anderson Cooper to do an in-depth special report on all of this.

Okay, now let us throw on our dangly bracelets and fur, and don't forget to DIE.

"You got me Dylan McKay's car!"

Oh, Rach! I was so very with you until you uttered these words after Rodger surprised you with a car that looks like, yes, Dylan McKay's. I wish you could have seen me on the couch, cringing at the fact that these were your parting words and that you still cling to the memory of this douchebag. But don't worry--I'll get over it. It actually made me feel a little superior to you, which I appreciated.

Can you believe the first season of The Rachel Zoe Project is over? Let's recap!

1. Rachel's perched on the kitchen counter in her robe talking to Rodger about how insanely busy she's going to be during Oscars. She's dressing 2 presenters and 5 attendees and is relieving stress by bitching to/at Rodger, who backs out of the room saying "I love you" in a quiet calming voice as if she was a wild animal about to attack. By the way, will you look at Rodger here?

A dude with a mother-effin wedge and a sweatsuit. Rachel, how the hell am I supposed to convince people that Rodger is straight when he has a wedge?

2. It's 3 days until the Oscars and there's much discussion about Jen Garner's dress (I'm going to call her Jen because I think she would want me to). She's wearing Oscar de la Renta for sure, but who knows which dress. Rach talks about Oscar's collection at Bryant Park and says "UN. Believable. It died." (that part deserved bold, don't you think?). Jen is interviewed and talks about how much she loves Rachel, she discovered Rachel, blah blah blah, I couldn't really focus becuase what the motherlove is going on with Jen's face? She seems really nice and all, but the lips? And the cheekbones? I need a plastic surgeon to consult for this blog.

Taylor tries on some of Jen's options, which include a "fairy princess Cinderella tulle dress that screams 'wear me to the Oscars please'" that Rachel thinks is more of a nominee's dress:

then there's a black dress custom made for Jen by Oscar himself but not pictured here because it's kind of a yawner, and finally, Rachel's fave:

There will be much discussion about how hard Rachel will push for this dress because although she thinks it's bananas, it's very fashion forward and the media might hate it.

Also--Taylor has a fantastic figure and even she couldn't zip these babies up. What the hell?

3. With "Jen, Cameron, Demi and Kate" to dress (who are the three others who weren't mentioned?) and their pissy-fussy-diva schedules, it's a nightmare for Rach. She hopes that Taylor and Brad will quit their bitchfighting and pull together to help her. Rachel says "during the Oscars, I literally want to cut myself in half." Really? Because humans can't regenerate body parts, Rachel. You'd just be a big bloody dead mess.

4. I have the same shoe size as Demi Moore! SWEET.

5. Jen Garner does this dramatic interpretation of the hair/make-up/stylist people who will swirl around her on Oscars day. It's kind of funny in a "The Oscars! What a hassle!" way. We see a ultra serious meeting attended by Rachel, Jen's hair person and her make-up person.

6. 30 hours till red carpet. The clock is ticking! Rachel assembles millions and jillions of shoe and jewelry looks for Jen and everyone else she's dressing. "The vision changes 10 minutes before [red carpet time] and I don't have the right stuff with me...that's not okay."

7. I do not understand why all of this is so last minute. Why couldn't all have this been done a week ago?

8. Brad and Rachel are chit chatting in the house and Taylor is huffing around, working her butt off, and about to blow. Tay complains about Brad being so up Rachel's ass. Uh, actually Taylor, that's me. Anyway. What does Taylor do? Throws a big tantrum and storms out THE DAY BEFORE THE OSCARS. Taylor's not answering her phone and Rachel is freaking out.

9. Cut to Rodger, who's surfing the internet to find Rachel's 10th anniversary present, the "same car that Dylan McKay drives in Beverly Hills 90210!" Rodger. That's the GAYEST thing I've ever heard besides "I like to lick balls." If you truly are straight (and I think you are) please make references to Caddyshack or Roadhouse next season instead of freaking Dylan McKay. Good God.

10. Tay texts Rachel to tell her that she's in Rachel's driveway. Then there's a lot of complain-whine-complain from Taylor and coddle-beg-coddle from Rachel.

Brad hears from Joey the make-up dude that Taylor stormed out because of the whole up-the-ass of Rachel thing. Brad says, "what is this? Highschool?!" Yes, Brad, it is. P.S. I think I saw some tiny sparks flying between Brad and Joey.

11. Spoken word, by Rachel Zoe, in the car:

It's Oscar day
I'm on my way
to the first client of the day

She made this up while texting, you guys! Amazing.

12. Brad's tummy hurts from the stress. Taylor snorts to the camera "Rachel's afraid I'm gonna quit but I have too much work ethic." Riiight, Ms. Stormer-Outer! She talks about how there will never be a good time to leave Rachel, so "I'll always be stuck with Rachel because I have Jewish guilt even though I'm not Jewish." Yeah, okay.

Rachel, I have a feeling you're going to laugh and blow this off, but DON'T. She's holding you hostage! Make Rodge fire her.

13. 6 hours till Oscars and I have to admit that Brad is moving kind of slowly and joking around as if he has all the time in the world (he doesn't, btw). Brad and Taylor are being civil to each other. Big conversation about the kit that they all must carry when they dress clients--it has shoes pads, nipple covers, etc. This is what we call foreshadowing.

14. Taylor is in a room with Joey and says about her kit "if Brad stole my fucking thongs, I'm gonna kill him! I hate everyone!" In my head, I heard the slamming of a bedroom door. It's like she's auditioning for the part of Sullen Teenager in some crappy made-for-tv movie about divorce.

15. We see Rodger cruising around in the Dylan car, not a care in the world, while his wife is running around like a chicken with her head cut off.

16. 4 hours before red carpet. Rach is leaving Jen's and going to Cameron's. Jen went for the black dress. Apparently Ben liked it.

Pretty, and it looks much better on JG than when it was in Rachel's studio on a hanger. Who's the blonde in the background? Do they just let anyone on the red carpet?

17. Brad is supposed to be at Cameron's but has to leave to put out another fire, so Rachel goes to Cameron's alone. I am very tense and emotionally eating at this point because I know that some shit is going to hit the fan SOON.

18. Rachel is home. All of the clients are in their cars. Rachel calls Tay to tell her that she just averted a near disaster and that Brad is to blame. Screeeeeeech! Brad forgot to leave her with a kit and shoe options and jewlery options for Cameron. Cameron never knew (she does now!) because Joey came to the rescue.

I finish a bag of chips and wonder why Rach and Joey are in sunglasses.

19. It's red carpet time. Rachel talks about firing Brad. "I want to go to the nearest bridge right now,"she says. Oh, Rach. No wonder you have an ulcer. Taylor tells the camera, "I personally would never want to disappoint her, and Brad did." And swear to God, there is a hint of a smile.

20. Rachel is ensconced in that little bedroom with Joey and Brad is escorted in. Brad bursts into tears, and his anguish over nipple covers and shoes? It darn near breaks my heart.

I'm so used to Jeff Lewis that I almost expect her to go apeshit on him. But instead, she says "it's not that bad. It's clothes. We're not saving lives." Taylor is lurking outside of the door, eavesdropping, and I'm sure she was eagerly waiting for the hammer to fall. Rachel starts to explain to Brad how everyone makes mistakes, even Taylor--and then Taylor bursts in and starts sca-reaming like a banshee at Rachel, then Brad. Brad is all "I'm going home" and leaves. Taylor storms out and Rachel tells the camera that Taylor makes it difficult for anyone to join the team. Yeah, did you just figure that out?

21. They're all inside wearing sunglasses (except for Rodger) and eating take-out (except for Rachel) when Brad texts Rachel to tell her he quits because he can't work with the RAGING SNATCH that is Taylor (raging snatch is not exactly what he said, but that was the subtext).

Taylor starts foaming at the mouth and yelling "IT'S BRAD OR I!" over and over in such a way that I think guac will start shooting out of her mouth a la The Exorcist. Rachel speaks to Taylor in comforting Rachelese: "You are my life. You do everything right, and we all know that, okay?" She gets Taylor somewhat mollified and then tells Taylor she needs to call Brad and make up. And guess what? Taylor does! She's sincerely nice and apologetic to him on the phone--there are no nasty looks, even--and Brad is back on the team. Whew.

Team Zoe is one big happy family again and they celebrate. I imagine Rodger is saying "wazzup mah bitchez!" in this picture:

But what he really says is "Tay's all grown up!" and it's pretty funny. Rodger, despite all of my concerns with your hair, wardrobe and references to 90210, I think you're a good guy and definitely good for Rachel.

22. Rodger suprises Rachel with "Dylan McKay's car" and they drive off into the sunset.

What did you think of this episode and this season? Did I overreact about Dylan McKay? Have you ever heard nipple covers mentioned so many times in one hour? Will you watch if there's another season? Tell me everything.

"What is this 'bananas'?"

Rachel talks to the LA Times about her catch phrases, being a "pox on humanity," and whether she wants to come back for another season. Read it here.

See you tonight after the finale!

"Is it appropriate for a guy to wear a big Chanel bangle?"

You know he was serious! I'm sorry about the fuzzy image, but I didn't have a lot to work with. Brad's line was the single drop of water in the desert that was The Rachel Zoe Project tonight.

Rachel had a come-apart, and it's time for an emergency SGM intervention/therapy session.

Dear Rachel,

If anyone would have told me two months ago that I'd be your biggest advocate and unpaid public relations rep, I would have told them to go smoke some more crack. I had Jeff Lewis; I didn't need another Bravo star in my sky. But then your show aired and I saw that you were a straight arrow: hard-working and generous, yet completely misunderstood by the general public. I knew that it was my life's purpose--my destiny, if you will--to show the world the real Rachel Zoe.

However, tonight I saw a different side of you. You are under so much stress that you are becoming physically ill and lashing out at Rodger, your number one supporter and love of your life. It was incredibly upsetting to me.

Let's first talk about your year long chronic stomach ache. Your doctor says it's caused by "an extreme amount of stress," which, in my professional opinion, is only half of the diagnosis. I'm sure your doctor is a very smart person, but you are obviously suffering from coffee poisoning and not eating. For reals, Rach. Please ingest more than than coffee. The Chipotle burrito I ate tonight weighs more than you do. No one's happy when they're not eating. (Believe me, I haven't had anything since a caramel apple one hour ago, and I'm miserable)

Next, Rodger. Patient, rational Rodger, whose only crime is wanting to be with you. You are obviously not paying enough attention to him. I mean, look at the feminine flip thing he's got going on with his hair:

He's so good to you, Rachel! How do you reward him? You go all bitchface on him when he says he wants to spend your 10th anniversary alone with you instead of at a party with 200 of your closest friends during Oscars season. Sage Brad hit the nail on the head when he said "Rachel has a habit of complicating matters."

You again went nuts on Rodger when he, for once, put his own life ahead of yours and went to a previously scheduled business meeting instead of an impromptu dinner with your dad. You, who always puts work in front of personal, had the nerve to criticize Rodge for doing the same thing.

Rachel, can't you see? You are sabotaging yourself, creating so many obligations and such high expectations for yourself and others that you are in a constant state of frenzy and alarm. Remember this moment?

Your "come undone" moment in your closet with Joey the make-up artist and Brad, when you were teary and overwhelmed by work and the decision to skip your uncle's funeral? You frequently talk about re-prioritizing and balance and becoming a mom, but you're not taking real steps toward any of this. Tonight when you said, "really, I mean it!" to Rodger at your intimate anniversary dinner with the camera crew, Rodger responded, "you've said this before." It's all work, work, work, with everyone accomodating you. When you finally hit your breaking point, you ask for advice, the people who love you tell you to scale back, and you turn a deaf ear to it all. What are you afraid of, Rach? Working 12 hour days instead of 15? Having sex with your husband? Sitting on the couch with a bowl of ice cream?

I hate to bring up the age thing again, but your older sister (who does she remind me of? Kind of a grown up Cindy Brady/Kate Hudson?) looks younger than you. Not so much here, but trust me.

No, no--before you call me a "dick" like you did Rodge, I still think you're uber-fab. With your big vintage watch (lord, how I covet that watch!) and your fur vests--you're so chic. You just need to take care of yourself and stop working so much. Slow down. The world will not end if you decide to cut loose a couple of clients (you can start with dumbass Molly Sims who wore the dress and the tights that you specifically advised against. Like, wtf? What does she pay you for?).

I know that this tough love from me is hard, especially since I've been living up your ass lately, but I'm coming from a place of love and concern. Seriously. I was more satisfied by The Real Housewives of Atlanta tonight, and that's saying a lot (and I'll say much, much more later on this subject).

I'm not sure if you know this, but I am self-taught life coach and I have experience with dispensing unsolicited advice to many reality stars. I'm here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on (or a wrist to put your watch on), but remember, I can't help you if you won't help yourself. In any case, I will offer you useful cliches via this blog. Take care of yourself, honey. Now please go order a meat lover's pizza.

Love,
SGM

In Defense of Rachel Zoe, Part II

The New York Daily News printed a rumor-mongering paragraph that Rachel Zoe's statement on her show that she is a triple Virgo means that she couldn't have possibly been born in 1971. Perez picked up on this and went to town about Rachel being a big fat liar, fraud, pox on humanity, etc.

If she is lying about her age, then George Washington University is in on the ruse because a GWU publication lists her graduation year as 1993, which would be consistent with an age of 37. Perez looks to have posted an old yearbook photo of Rachel which could confirm her age, but of course, he just posts the picture without any comment about about what year and what grade.

I am reluctant to become Rachel Zoe's crazy-eyed superfan/watchdog, but I feel compelled to defend a fellow sun-damaged 37 year old. SUNSCREEN WAS NOT WIDELY AVAILABLE WHEN WE WERE YOUNG, OKAY?! We have wrinkles! We are AWARE. Back the fuck off, NY Daily News and Perez!

In other news, The Real Housewives of Atlanta premieres tonight. I'm going to give it a shot. A very half-hearted, one-hand-on-the-remote shot. What about you?