1. RHNYC: The Countess' tricked-out laundry room; Bethenny admitting that she is Calista Flockhart-esque; the Countess' teen manners luncheon; Simon's hairy nipples and legs (sorry--I know it's right after lunch); Ramoner's pissing match with Gov. Patterson; Kelly Bensimon in general. Discuss.
2. I am excited to be blogging as part of this rad new network called Twolia. Would you please come visit me and comment so I don't feel like a total idiot? In my first post, I talk about how someone needs to slap The Bachelor with a rose and then make him eat the petals. What a fucktard.
*Holla to Kelly Bensimon for bringing "foxy" back into my life.
This last season of Real Housewives of OC has left me feeling particularly dirty and depleted. Instead of laughing at the antics of these people and secretly loving them, I find myself foaming at the mouth and plotting their collective demise. I can't even put a Bravo-related sentence together without fantasizing about Vicki losing her business as the result of a tragic laptop fire and being forced to work as Lynne's assistant at Cuff Love.
The Countess isn't helping matters. I feel as though I need to start wearing a straightjacket during her scenes so I don't punch the tv and then try to hurl myself out of a window.
See? I have lost all perspective, and I need to take some time off to mentally recharge. I'll be back next week, ready to rock. Until then, I leave you with something that still makes me smile: the delicate beauty of Pam Anderson.
Can't you picture the owner of that chair saying "WAIT! Let me put down some towels first!" Cracks me up.
I haven't really been keeping up with VH1's Sober House, but last night I caught the most recent episode. Everyone was talking about this mean guy David, whose bulls-eye cruelty incited Shifty's near-fatal relapse. Who is this David, I wondered, and why is he hanging around the fragile sober people? During a Dr. Drew therapy session, I learned that David is Sober House resident Mary Carey's (porn star) manager and that he is this evil Svengali-type who makes Mary cry. I had not yet laid eyes on David, yet I hated him with a fiery passion.
Finally, David appeared onscreen to verbally abuse Mary and discuss the swinger's convention that he booked for her. Total d-bag. Hmmm....he looks familiar. Do you recognize him?
I'll give you a moment.
Okay okay, I can't keep it in any longer! I'll tell you! THIS is David:
that cheesey shitweasel from Jo and Slade's show, Date My Ex! The one who was the frontrunner for a while because he gave Jo a helicopter ride and a Louis Vuitton scarf! The one who basically said that he was a rising star and offered to manage her music career. Apparently, the music career he had in mind was one in which she played the skin flute! (sorry, so gross, but how could I resist?!)(look it up on urban dictionary if you need to.)
Can you imagine if Jo ended up with him? She'd be starring in Real Hookers of Orange County (and honestly, she'd probably be making more money than she is right now). Oh, I'm just DYING.
Andy Cohen, my darling, tonight you became a man. Right in front of our own eyes! It was like you were Bravo's own Katie Couric, asking the tough questions and letting the women expose themselves for what they are--heartless (Vicki), petty (Tamra), enabling (Jeana), suspicious (Gretchen), and a too tan but harmless (Lynne).
1. Kara received a boob job for graduation. I KNEW IT! I just fucking dug through my trash to find my notes from the Berkeley episode, in which I wrote "DID KARA GET BOOBS?" Ah, I feel so vindicated!
2. Tamra's going to be selling her removed implants on ebay. Ew, isn't that medical waste or something? Is that legal?
3. Gretchen tearfully talks about final days with Jeff. Check out Vicki and Tamra's expressions:
I had Tamra's same pinched look on my face when I was watching the Countess order pizza under the name of "Mrs. de Lesseps." (could you effing believe that, btw?) Tamra and Vicki's hostile demeanor during this part--FORESHADOWING. Andy tries to pin Gretch down on how much money Jeff left her, but she is evasive: "not millions and millions." wtf does that mean? Can you afford boobs or not, Gretchen?
4. Remember this moment?
Drunk Ryan has just revealed his nugget tattoo to drunk Tamra, who finds comfort in the arms of drunk Vicki. They boozily cry and hug and utter words of never-ending friendship. It is an absurd, embarrassing scene, but when this clip is shown at the reunion, Tamra exclaims, "that's my favorite scene ever!"
Of course it is.
5. Andy asks (via viewer email) if sometimes the women go too far with the revealing outfits and titties galore. Vicki says, "there's a time and a place for it." For work, she claims, she dresses professionally. That's why she wore this:
to a business dinner. BUSTED.
Gretch says "we're sexy but we're still classy." Andy, with a gleam in his eye, confirms, "so we're in a no-skank zone?" Hmm. I'd say that's open for debate, at least in the case of Tamra.
6. We see a montage of Vicki and Tamra being AWFUL toward Lynne behind her back. Vicki brushes it off, "we're not mean!" Andy comes back with an incredulous, "you don't think you're mean?!" Then Tamra basically says that Lynne is a dumbass. Lynne fires back with a "and you're a real rocket scientist" and Vicki's eyes almost pop out of her head, as if Lynne was hitting below the belt. Andy calls that bullshit out and Vicki quiets down. Go Andy, go Andy, go go go Andy!
Wrapping this topic up (for now), Andy says to Lynne, "to clarify, you're not at home sucking on a bong all day." Lynne confirms that she is not. Ha!
7. Andy brings up the Gretchen copycat business. Remember that? Tamra thinks Gretchen "copied" her because Gretchen expressed a desire for a pink motorcycle. Andy says about Gretchen "so she's either All About Eve, or Florence Nightengale." Gretchen's all "what's that?" Anyone who has attended Baylor University (Gretchen's alma mater), please rip up your diplomas.
8. Jeana makes Lynne cry and I simply can't relive it in writing or otherwise. In fact, I must make my own amends to Lynne. I am sorry, Lynne. I think that you are basically a kind person, and the only time I hear you talking shit is when you are defending yourself from an attack by the bullies/axis of evil/Tamra and Vicki.
Feel free to watch the painful moment here.
9. Andy brings up Tamra's etiquette dinner, and Tamra actually admits that she was completely embarrassed and ashamed of her behavior in that episode. Watch her apparently sincere mea culpahere.
10. Now for the JUICE! Tamra said in the last episode that she thinks that Gretchen's relationship with Jeff was a sham and that Gretchen was a paid companion. Andy investigates! In a nutshell, Tamra claims that a man named Jay called her in the middle of the night (during the filming of season 4) claiming to be Gretchen's boyfriend and said that he was ready to out Gretchen for the fraud she is. Gretchen and Tamra talked the next day, and Gretchen said "yeah, it's a long story, he's a stalker."
Tamra gets another phone call from Jay, and this time Simon talks to him for AN HOUR about their relationship and Gretchen's fakey relationship with Jeff.
!!!!!
Wait, wait! It gets even more interesting. Andy asks Gretchen about this, and she says that yes, she used to date him but now they are just really good friends. "Did he go to Bass Lake with you?" Tamra asks. Gretchen says yes, and that he's a really good family friend.
"So what is he, Gretchen? A stalker or a really good friend?" asks Tamra. She has a point.
Then they fight, as seen here. Wasn't Tamra creepy when she was shouting "THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!" Dude, I thought she was going to start speaking in tongues next, but instead she checks her cell phone. (so many of you mentioned this, and I have to admit, it was the best part of that clip.) Tamra adds that Jeana saw Jay's clothes on Gretchen's bedroom floor. Jeana corroborates this, but how would she know whose clothes are on Gretchen's floor? Did he have name tags sewn in? Gretchen says as much. Andy asks direct questions.
Andy: "are you single?"
Gretchen: "yes."
Andy: "this man is not your boyfriend?"
Gretchen: "no"
Tamra: "DO YOU SLEEP WITH HIM?"
Gretchen: "No!"
After this scene, I think lie detectors should be required at all reunion shows.
11. Lauri was on too, but a big yawner. Andy hands out somewhat degrading t-shirts for everyone,
and then they all (except for Gretchen) do tequila shots. Andy even did one, and also cajoled Vicki into doing a WOO HOO.
So that's it! Good riddance to these bitches, at least until season 5. What do you think of the Gretchen business? I hope she's not dating that dude, because he sounds like an asshole. Tell me what you think!
UPDATE: the internet is abuzz with news of Gretchen's alleged relationship. Looks like Jay was sending emails to the media before the reunion aired (see here). Nice guy.
"My hair is severe, my ill-fitting dress is Jessica McClintock c. 1992, and I have no accessories except for one boring-ass ring. DEFINITELY. NOT. BANANAS."
2. Are you watching Top Chef? Is anyone not on Team Carla? I loved her from the moment that she said she knew her restaurant wars dessert was fucked, so she just sent it out "with looooooove." Tom gave her his jaded eyeroll, but I thought it was pretty awesome. Carla, if you ever want to cook for me, PLEASE CALL ME. I can promise you that I will not invite those OC whores over for an "etiquette party."
3.
"Jeana, stop telling her that lipgloss is fattening!"
Speaking of those OC whores, we have another jaw-dropping double-header with the Real Housewives tonight! The Orange County reunion is up first, followed by the second episode of NYC. To whet your appetite: remember the preview clip of Countess Nastypants rudely snatching the microphone at some sort of fancy event? That episode airs tonight--watch the scene in its entirety here:
So gracious and demure! (Contingent upon "gracious" and "demure" being re-defined as "pretentious" and "asshole-y.")
See you sweet bitches tomorrow.
Photo of Debra "this-shuts-nothing-down" Messing via the magnificent TLo.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009 
