The disco music is a nice touch

Two more people will soon know the secret to living with elegance and flair!

Congratulations to S.J. and Jessica! Each will win her own copy of Class with the Countess to treasure and pass down through the generations.

Here is S.J.'s desperate cry for help; I highlighted my favorite part for you skimmers:

To put it simply, I live in smalltown, KS. A lovely town with lovely people lacking a Countess to guide us gracefully through the muddy waters of social interaction. This is an opportunity to introduce a sense of grace and poise that only royalty can impart upon us.

As an educator in this lovely town, I have the ability to effect great change as a result of her tutelage. For example, I am curious to know how the Countess would handle spit cups left in public spaces, or how to politely inform my students that shoes should be worn at all times for our own personal health and cleanliness.

And on a personal note, I would like to learn how I might climb the social ladder of our small town as I am already married and not to a Duke. Much like Bethany, I need to understand the Countess' definition of class - am I inherently born with class, or is it something I can achieve by attaching myself to those with 'title' in our town? And how do I determine the properly 'titled' individuals?

I have already learned so much about how to publicly correct and shame my friends and coworkers who do not behave with the level of class I deem acceptable and to disguise my jabs at their lack of class, style, or beauty in statements of concern for their well-being. She is a fountain of knowledge from which I would like to continue to drink. Please consider allowing me to be one of your reviewers of what will surely be a great guide of ettiquette to challenge the stuffy, boring, how-to books of Emily Post and Martha

I especially admired S.J.'s courage in opening up and admitting that she is not married to a Duke. So brave

Jessica tells a story of a boorish woman who could really use the Countess' book (actually I think she'd benefit more from being whacked over the head with it):

My mother had a friend who was the ultimate pseudo-snob who had no clue what a fool she was. Looking back, I think my mother only tolerated her because they had a connection through our church and, well, God says you're supposed to love your "frenemies." Growing up, we were expected to play with her kids when she would come and park herself at our dining room table while her awful spawn ran rampant through the house and yard destroying things. We raised lots of animals and once, one of her sons threw a batch of baby chicks into the water trough. After rescuing them, my sister and I ran in and breathlessly told the grownups what had happened. The evil mini-sized serial (almost) killer was summoned and his mother asked if he had done this and he, of course, denied it. She looked at us and then to my mom and said, in a knowing tone, "Well, MY son wouldn't lie to me." with the implication being that we were certainly capable of it. As we got older, we realized she was outrageous and, mercifully, she finally moved across the country with her whole brood.

This woman reappeared back at my parents' home after my mother died. Even though my mother had a long illness, she never visited and didn't make it to the funeral. In a bizarre move, she invited herself to stay with my father -- you're thinking she was going to make a move but I really don't think that was the motivation -- I believe that despite being "a physician's wife," she was basically cheap. She used the house as a jumping off point to visit other, more fabulous friends and not have to pay for a hotel.

On the last day, my sister and I were at the house mainly to see her in action and thinking my father may strangle her if he got the chance (and we didn't want to miss that). She got a vase from under my father's sink and proceeded to cut flowers from his carefully tended garden and made a bouquet and then announced she would now like a ride to the cemetery so she could place this on my mother's grave. She then asked my sister and me multiple times if we thought she'd done a good job on the arrangement. She acted as if this were a charitable, unselfish act while we fumed and plotted her demise. Mercifully, she left soon after and we haven't seen her since.

Hopefully she's hidden away, taking private lessons with the Countess, Jessica.

Please, join me in a jealous "chin chin" to these deserving winners whose lives are about to be transformed by the Countess' words of wisdom.

Thanks to all who entered! If you didn't win this time, do not despair. More books will be given away in April.

Have a lovely weekend.

"Marrying someone with a title doesn't give you class."

*UPDATED BELOW*

That's right, Mrs. Bitchface! Bethenny is talking about YOU. You got a problem with that? DO YOU? Because, "as we say in French," you are due for "le beatdown" and I think, after this week's episode, I could convince Bethenny and Ramoner (along with half of the RHNYC viewing audience) to give it to you. Watch your back, skank.

Ahem.

Let us proceed with the recap for this week's very entertaining Real Housewives of NYC.

1. Jill is totally sick of the decor in her apartment and needs to move or completely redecorate. She's at the end of her rope. Life is so cruel! Her gay husband/employee/interior designer, Brad creates an elaborate storyboard and presents it for Jill's approval. Jill reacts with this:

Jill, is this really necessary? You look like Brad just asked Bobby for a blow j, when really he was just explaining that the fabric he had picked was not gray, but taupe.

I understand that he's (very) annoying, but he's your hand-picked gay husband and he worked hard on this presentation. Show him some respect.

That being said, there was not nearly enough of you in this show. We need at least a good 15 minutes of Jill per episode. Hear that, Bravo?

2. Alex and Simon meet with an architect about their $200K renovation. Here's the clip.

There seem to be two camps when it comes to Silex--the first believes them to be pretentious and uber-creepy and the second sees them as eccentric and socially clueless, but harmless. I was actually migrating toward the second camp until, during this scene (not in the clip) Alex tells the beleaguered architect she wants built-in bookshelves so she can "go to The Strand and purchase the entire works of Dickens and Shakespeare" and "get a hassock back there for the boys." Swear to God, when I repeat this quote in my mind, I hear her speaking in a fake British accent. She goes on to blah blah blah about some people's bookcases are just for show, but hers are not. Obviously, because Bravo pans out to see her current bookshelves, which are straight-up Wal-Mart 1996 (nothing wrong with that, btw, unless you act like a big snob).

To the architect: what a couple of windbags, huh? Kudos for not blowing your brains out during your meetings with them--hope you charged them extra.

3. Bethenny is photographed for Social Life Magazine.

It's a regular old photoshoot and nothing is particularly memorable except for the fact that the magazine's editor-in-chief, Devorah Rose, happens to be one of the most obnoxious and puerile people to have ever walked the face of the earth. Not even kidding. For those of you who didn't watch this episode, let me to give you an idea: if you took any one of the idiots from Rock of Love Bus, removed her implants and gave her a rich daddy--that's Devorah Rose. Get this: she tells Bravo's cameras, "if you're not in it [the magazine] then I feel sorry for you." What? She's damn lucky she's not on Rock of Love Bus, because that kind of shit-talking gets your extensions pulled out and salsa dumped in your suitcase.

4. Bethenny and the Countess meet for lunch. The Countess tells Bethenny that she's volunteered B's culinary services to Hope Lodge, which is a residence for cancer patients. Bethenny tells the camera that the Countess never asked, she just informed her of her role. And why does this surprise you, Bethenny?

The topic turns to the Countess' book, Class with the Countess. When Bethenny hears the name, you can tell she thinks it's ridiculous but is trying to be tactful. Like the rest of us, Bethenny does not understand what makes the Countess an expert in etiquette. Is it the mere fact that she married the Count? Bethenny wants to know.

This peon, she dares to question me. Guards! Send her to the gallows!"

But the the Countess scoffs. Why would anyone question her qualifications as a manners expert? Bethenny continues to grill her "...but I'm not sure I really understand" and the Countess looks exasperated as she tells the camera, "the de Lesseps have made such contributions!"

Listen, lady. You star in a reality tv show and are the fourth wife of a dusty (see below) French aristocrat who is always "out of the country." Your personality is equal parts rude and fake. Honey, you are no more qualified to teach people about class than Tila Tequila. Actually, I think Tila might be more qualified.

Back to lunch. Bethenny calls it when she tells the camera "being the authority on class is really holding yourself to a high standard. That's a glass house waiting to be shattered." Prescient!

(btw, have you seen the Countess' reaction to ditching the bill for her surfing lesson last week? Read it here. SUCH an asshole.)

5. Kelly Bensimon is on for about two seconds. She takes Ramoner to a "model museum," which I thought had to do with Kelly being, you know, a model. But I'm the dumbass, as the museum was filled with models, as in tiny buildings. WEIRD. And BORING. Ramoner talks to the camera: "She's very tall, Kelly. Her shoulders are wider than my husband's!" TRUE. Kelly was very masculine in this scene. Your wickedly clever Mama calls her Kelly Bensi-MAN and it makes me giggle. I hate to turn on her so early in the game, but her deep voice isn't helping matters.

6. Now for the good stuff! Bethenny and Ramoner are in servitude to the Countess, cooking dinner at Hope Lodge for the cancer patients. Bethenny announces that she is going to be on the cover of Social Life Magazine. The Countess' remarks are all stapled together here thanks to Bravo's editing, but she says something along the lines of "will there be retouching?" and Bethenny's all "what a jerk!" to the camera. Remember this.

Then, as most of you know, Ramoner and the Countess go at it, as seen here. To summarize, Ramoner says the Count looks like an "old man" and the Countess goes apeshit. Ramoner tries to explain herself but just keeps digging herself in deeper, and the only thing that could have made this scene more uncomfortable is if Ramoner started singing "Viva, Viagra!" at the top of her lungs (that song has been in my head all damn day and now I am imparting it to you. My apologies.)

What we don't see in the clip is that prior to this fight, the Countess is (surprise!) being totally condescending to Ramoner as Ramoner is trying to give dating advice to Bethenny. As Bethenny tells the camera, "LuAnn passively-aggressively slapped Ramoner, and Ramoner slapped her back." As much as I dislike Ramoner, I loathe the Countess, and this explanation works for me. Ramoner was entitled to retaliate.

The Countess storms off, then eventually comes back and demands an apology from Ramoner. "THIS is the American Cancer Society!" the Countess huffs, as if that has anything to do with fucking anything. Ramoner readily offers up several apologies. The Countess tells the camera, "it was MY evening and she managed to make it upsetting." Yeah, screw those whiny cancer patients--it's all about LUANN.

Jill shows up and Bethenny runs to her with a "you are NOT going to believe this!" My favorite line of the entire episode (and maybe the season) is Bethenny's comment that "this [fight] made you and Ramoner look like kittens playing in a basket!"

Ramoner's even chuckling about it at this point, but stands by her comments about the Count: "it's very obvious he's an old man." God love that crazy-ass Ramoner.

7. Bethenny invites the Countess out for lunch. She's still hurt about the "will there be retouching?" comment and wants to confront the Countess about it. The Countess denies saying it ("No, no, I said how great!") and then says that the retouching comment was just her way of being "protective." The Countess gives this bitchy, half-assed apology and tells Bethenny she's being "ultra-sensitive." Aw, what a thoughtful and caring friend! So gracious.

Bethenny won't let it drop. "Attackive!" is what the Countess calls it. ( I know, wtf?) At this point, the Countess doesn't give a shit and isn't even giving Bethenny eye contact anymore; she just keeps looking around disinterestedly. "I'm happy for you," she says unconvincingly. Bethenny tells the camera, "I wasn't buying it. Not a big deal, but not unnoticed."

As I said, watch your back, Countess.

8. As part of her cover girl duty, Bethenny is hosting a party for Social Life Magazine. All of the housewives are there partying it up (minus Kelly)(why is she on this show?). The Countess is being interviewed by the insipid Devorah Rose, who says "I heard there was a retouching issue!" or something like that. The Countess plays dumb and escapes. Ha! You can tell from her expression that she is PISSED that B is telling other people this story.

Then, there is the most amazing extended footage of Ramoner dancing by herself and looking like the village idiot. I might try to post it on youtube.

The Countess, running from Devorah, busts in on the gathering of housewives and hurriedly toasts Bethenny with her "chin chin" bs and then abruptly says good-bye. "Alex [the Count] is home with the kids," she says as she runs off, "and he's too busy drooling in his wheelchair to care for them." Just kidding on that last part, but her reason for leaving is met with raised eyebrows from everyone because DUH, Rosie is the only one who ever takes care of those kids.

The End.

Thanks to all of you who emailed me for a chance to win the Countess' book--I had the best time reading your entries. You are some clever bitches! The two lucky winners will be announced tomorrow. Can't wait for those book reviews to roll in.

Until tomorrow, chin chin! (which also happens to mean "penis". How effing sweet is that?!)

UPDATE: The Countess has a manners blog here. Ugh.

It's your lucky day, darlings!

Thanks to Bravo, I have two copies of Class with the Countess to give away.*

Details:

1. Enter to win by emailing me at scentedglossymagazines@gmail.com with your best story about bad manners and/or why you desperately need this book. (and if you are wondering, you do desperately need this book)

2. Entries are due by this Wednesday at midnight EST.

3. The winners will be notified on Thursday, and the winning entries will be posted here (anonymously, if desired) on Friday.

4. I will expect, but not require, book reviews from the winners. Mmmm hmmm.

There you have it. Good luck!

I leave you with a lesson in manners, taught by the Countess herself. The question is, "what do you do when a bug-eyed flailing nutcase tells you that she thinks your husband is an old man?" Apparently the answer is that you make fun of her bug-eyes and tell her that she's rude and has no manners. Watch and learn, my friends. Watch and learn. (If you're reading this through a reader, click on through)

*Sadly, I have not laid my hands on the book yet, but it will be shipped to the winners directly from Bravo when it is released in April.

Real Housewives hits the trifecta!

I was worried that the ladies of NYC wouldn't pull through with their share of Cops-worthy scandal, but thanks to Kelly Bensimon, it's happened! Who knew she had it in her?

For those of you keeping score--

Atlanta: Sheree is being sued by her divorce attorneys to the tune of $87,000 (if they can find her--she's avoiding service)

OC: Gretchen's crazy bananas boyfriend called 911 on her, and on the tape is evidence that she's a big fat LIAR.

NYC: Kelly Bensimon, arrested for servin' up a knuckle sandwich to her boyfriend. Nice work, slugger!

Who's next? I heard Vegas is taking bets. (just kidding.) (but they should totally get in on this action, huh?)

Thanks so much to all of you tipsters (including you and you)!