Do you know who this is?

I can't stop laughing. Find the answer here.

Beyonce makes a fool of me

I recently joined a gym and let me tell you, it has been a loooong time since I've been to the gym. The last time I set foot in a gym, mp3 players did not exist, so I was quite thrilled to strap on the ol' ipod and bounce my fat around to my own playlist. That is, until Beyonce's Irreplaceable came on. Oh my God, I am compelled to move to this song. Indeed, I have no choice but to move.

So picture me on the treadmill, a 36 year old white mother with a graduate degree, clenching her fists fighting to KEEP. IT. IN. while I hear "to the left, to the left . . . everything you own in the box to the left . . ." If you aren't familiar with this song, don't worry. I will post it at the bottom so that you will know the power that is Beyonce. Anyhow, I must move my head and shoulders in a leftward (is that a word?) motion when I hear "to the left, to the left." I also have lip-synch to this part, at the very least. And my hands, they have to be . . . out, fingers slightly apart, fully extended. I'm sure I looked like I was having a mini-seizure trying not to dance and sing with Beyonce.

And then after Irreplaceable? Gold Digger. That's right. Just try not dancing to Gold Digger. TRY IT. If you can remain still while listening to that song, well then I'll give you a trophy. A trophy that says "I am dead inside," because that is what you would be if you're not dancing to Kanye. I want to watch you when you hear "we want pre-nup, we want pre-nup, yeeeeeeeeeah," and see what you do. Myself, I have to be doing a "raise the roof" type of movement (similar to this person). It can be ever so slight, but it has to be there. It must be there or I will explode.

Please tell me that this is not my own psychological disorder (I think it would be classified with Tourette's). What songs have this type of effect on you? Besides Gold Digger, of course.

And now, I present to you: Irreplaceable. (fyi, the first 20 seconds or so are silence. Stick with it.)

Dear John

I was about to do a post admitting that I have this itty bitty crush on you, but then when I was searching for an nice picture of you on Perez, I decided that I think we're better as friends. I mean, there was post after post of you doing weird things, like making gooey eyes at Jessica Simpson:

Do you cringe when you see that? Me too!

And then there were all of these little jokes you do for the paps. For example:

No, no, listen. I get your sense of humor and many times I think that you're quite funny. But sometimes I just think that you're trying too hard--putting on too much of a show, you know? It didn't help matters when I saw this post about how Adrian Greiner picks up girls and it made me queasy and a little hesitant to become emotionally involved with a celeb.

It's all very strangely coincidental, actually. Did you see that episode of Entourage where Vinny picks up this girl in a bookstore and they go to a hotel and have fantastic sex? And then later, when he asks if they can get together again, she says no. Her reason: she's engaged and her fiance gave her a free pass should she ever have the chance to sleep with Vinny Chase.

Well, John, immediately prior to this post, I had you lined up to be my "free pass" person. I believe my husband's exact words to me on the subject were "if you can manage to 'hit that', then go right ahead. I'll even watch the kids." He obviously thinks that I couldn't swing it, but hello, Marky Mark rapped my name 16 years ago. Pop stars like me! He also thinks that you're gay. Don't take it personally, John. I think he's just jealous that you had dirty sex with Jess.

Bottom line is, I'll be using my free pass with another celeb. No, please. No begging; I've made up my mind. However, if you want me to be the subject of Your Body is a Wonderland Part 2, I'll be okay with that as long as you don't mention my cellulite or muffin top. And you can be assured that I'll always listen to your music with much fondness, but in a very platonic way.

I'm sorry I had to do this on the blog. I know it's a total a-hole move, but I just couldn't face telling you in person or even on the phone. Plus your agent wouldn't give me your address or cell number. Please know that I still care for you as a person and hope we can still be friends.

Sincerely,
SGM

Wait! I have coupons!

Us Weekly is reporting that Brad and Ang went to Chuck E Cheese when they were in Missouri visiting Brad's family. Dude, even I don't go to Chuck E Cheese (unless I am heavily sedated). And I certainly don't go during flu season. They must either really love their kids or really love cleaning up vomit.

Setting the Record Straight

As a longtime fan . . . er, viewer, of The Real Housewives of Orange County, I'd like to shed some light on the true natures of some of the cast members. It's easy to stereotype these women because of their blonde hair and extravagant lifestyles, but I'm here to tell you that they are much more complicated than they seem and cannot be shoved into neat little packages. In this post, I hope to dispell some common misconceptions about Housewives Lauri, Vicki and Quinn.

Misconception #1: Lauri is stupid.

No. In fact, she's quite the opposite. I'm telling you, she's running circles around the rest of us. For example, last night when she was talking about how her life has changed since meeting fiance George, she said, "my life has taken a 360 degree turn." I'm sure many viewers thought "doesn't she mean a 180?" or "bless her heart" (see previous post), but not me. I understand Lauri's type of genius. What she was really saying was this: she used to be happy and really rich, then she divorced (twice) and became sad and destitute, and now she is again happy and really rich. Full circle, right? 360, just like she said.

Another example: last season when Lauri was shown getting ready to attend a Republican fundraiser with George, she said something along the lines of "George is a Republican, so I guess I'm a Republican. I'm not sure what that really means, though . . . " and she has a nervous giggle and tapers off into silence. I'm telling you, Lauri's thinking is right up there with the greatest philosophers of all time. What is being a Republican? Does anyone really know? Deep.

Just because Lauri has blond hair, a fake tan and grotesque implants, DO NOT think that you know who she is. You do not. She is a thinker, and hopefully that will be her legacy on this show.

Misconception #2: Vicki is not A Giver

Near the end of Season 2, when Lauri is given some sort of zillion dollar Mercedes as a surprise gift from George, Vicki puts on a big show of acting so thrilled for Lauri. But then in her voice-over, she admits "Yes. I am jealous. I've had to work for everything I've ever had and Lauri just gets it handed to her on a silver platter."

Okay, things get a little convoluted here, so bear with me. At Lauri's bridal shower, which aired last night, Vicki delivers a beautiful toast and talks about how George is so nice, and Lauri is the greatest and they deserve all of the happiness in the world. In her voice-over, she says "I meant every word I said. I'm a giver." I'm sure that many viewers rolled their eyes and thought, "oh, she's just trying to make up for all that mean shit she said about Lauri before." Plus, there is not a more phony utterance in the English language than "I'm a giver." Usually it means "I am a taker, and I will not hesitate to suck you dry with my incessant fast-talking and screaming." But Vicki? She was absolutely telling the truth. Did you see the makeover she gave her assistant? Turning her into a mini-Vicki, complete with blond hair, boob-revealing clothes and Brazilian wax? That was not cheap. She also gave her daughter Brianna a Mercedes out of the blue. Who cares about ulterior motives. Vicki is A Giver.

Misconception #3: Quinn is a useless and bizarre addition to the show

This is actually true. Quinn, I'm sure you were invited to be a member of the cast, but I don't for the life of me understand why. You seem very sweet and all, but you don't fit in. I don't understand how you survive (do you have a job? a home?) and I don't think you've had any plastic surgery (and honey, you either need a lift or you need to cover up some of your 8 inches of cleavage). I just don't get why you are on this show. Oh--one more thing--give up on your golf pro who won't answer you when you ask "are you my boyfriend." Haven't you ever seen Sex and the City? He's just not that into you. Plus he corrects your grammar. You're too old for that crap. Lose him.

As far as I can tell, there are no misconceptions about Jeana, Tamra or Tammy. What you see is what you get. Jeana is happy to be losing 180 pounds (in the form of her husband), Tamra is a self-described Botox-junkie, and Tammy is pretty but irrelevant. If any of this changes, you will be the first to know.

If you have any questions or comments about prejudice suffered by the Real Housewives and their ilk, please feel free to leave them in the comments section and I will address them in order.

Thank you,
SGM
Real Housewives of Orange County Expert