Hypothetically speaking
Thursday, June 16, 2011 When you're cleaning your bathroom, do you ever think of Joe Gorga?
Do you ever think, as you scrub your toilet, that he's kind of attractive? Like, in a primal, hairy, dangerous caveman way? Take, for example, his eyes. They're not ugly. No. Not at all. Some people might say they reflect a double-digit IQ, but then privately, to themselves, might admit that they are brooding and a tiny bit sexy. I bet these same people, while wiping down the mirror, might even let their minds wander and imagine Melissa getting into an accident. A tragic, sad accident in which she trips over a pot of risotto or a tangle of spandex leopard print dresses, and cracks her head on the piano. She wouldn't die--Antony would be there to call 911--but there would be brain damage. A cranial hemorrhage that would leave her with massive weight gain, a moustache and the personality of an angry camel who has to carry entitled Americans around the desert. Of course this transformation would happen anyway in about 20 years, but this terrible accident cruelly accelerates the process.
She also has the worst B.O. (think rancid meatballs) from all of her medications. The mere thought of having sex with his wife makes Joe gag and sometimes dry heave. And Joe needs sex. Oh, HE NEEDS IT. One night he decides he can't take it any more. He leaves the kids with his mom and Melissa with her sisters and just starts driving. No doubt in some gross car, probably a custom orange Hummer with all sorts of shit dangling from the rearview mirror. He has no destination in mind. He just needs to get away and clear his head. Sort things out.
He drives and he drives, not even really sleeping but taking catnaps at rest stops. He is full of restless energy, doing push-ups and guzzling Four Loko when he stops for gas. He beats the crap out of a guy outside of Des Moines for staring at him, but the deep satisfaction he usually feels after kicking someone's ass is absent.
The Hummer starts acting strange as he's passing through suburban Denver, and he just manages to get it in the parking lot of Vitamin Cottage before it dies. He gets out and kicks it furiously. Goddamn car! Letting him down just like everyone else. His wife, his sister, his mother. His father. He begins to weep with frustration and exhaustion. He senses someone is watching him but he doesn't care. He feels so empty. Lost. He wants to be loved. No conditions, no expectations, no moustaches. Just love.
He turns around, big brown eyes still wet, to see a woman looking at him with the kindest eyes he has ever seen. A little wrinkly, but not as bad as Tamra Barney. He watches her glance at her car, where her kids are bucking their seatbelts. She hesitates for a moment and then walks over to him. "Are you..." she begins, and then trails off. As she moves closer to him, he knows he has to have her, that God put her here, at this moment, for him. Wordlessly, he leads her to the back of the Hummer and they make urgent (and a little bit angry) love on a pile of muscle shirts and knit caps, his big hairy paws all over her. With Melissa, he was injecting his poison. With this woman, he is releasing his pain. Holding her in his arms, he feels a peacefulness that he has never known before. The emptiness, the loneliness has vanished.
Suddenly, there is a sharp rap on the back window. "Mom," calls a child's voice. "Are you finished? We're going to be late to soccer practice."
The woman sits up and smiles at him. Her two pregnancies and obvious fried chicken habit are visible in the muffin top that she is trying to tuck into her jeans, but he has never seen anyone more beautiful. As she scootches to the door, he grabs her hand. "What's your name?" he asks. "Who are you?" She shakes her head. His eyes fill with tears as he realizes he will never see her again. "Say hi to Albie for me, will you?" she says with a sad smile. He watches her limp gingerly toward her car.
Two days later, as he heads back to Jersey to face his life with his disgusting and crass family, he knows that he will never forget her. And he doesn't.
So, do you ever think like this? Yeah. Neither do I.
Reader Comments (24)
Dude, his eyes are watery, bloodshot, and hairy (not technically his eyes, but eyebrows).
You have a very wide range in taste. Who knew someone with a Jeff Lewis crush could ALSO have a Joe Gorga crush?
Please tell me this is just chapter 1? I'll expect chapter 2 to follow.
This is the best story I've heard in a long time, even though I think that behind Joe Gorga's eyes lurks a serial killer, something about them creeps me out!
The Denver Vitamin Cottage! Isn't that where a certain blogger fractured her pelvis in an altercation with another driver some months back?
Stacy, I said it was HYPOTHETICAL.
jenjen, just wait til Jason Hoppy comes to town.
Kate, total serial killer! AUGH. Why didn't I use that?
Harvey Millstein CID, pure coincidence.
"Say hi to Albie for me". That made my day.
Brill.
Amazing. Just completely amazing. You need to start an alternate-reality reality show. We can all reenact the various parts. We'll get Jeff Goldblum to play Kathy's husband and Tamra Barney can cameo as herself, sitting on the sidelines talking about Cyst and Decease letters. (Did you hear her say it? Three times? Please tell me you heard her say it. Because I was WAITING for Andy Cohen to bring it up, or one of the witty Twitterers, and no one ever did, and I need validation.)
oh, yes, Tamara said "cyst and decease" several times. I heard it!
As for you, SGM, I don't know whether to be impressed by or scared for you...or a little of both. Please tell me you saw the Ambien walrus shortly after you wrote this. Just imagine the hair that man must have on his ass. For realz. You know that he and TwoHead (my name for Theresa, because she is not a forehead or a fivehead) are some hairy beasts. Everywhere.
Limping gingerly back to the car...classic!
I had no idea you could write soft porn like that, my panties are wet.
Oh, you should have seen the unedited version. Ooooo weeeee!
I didn't catch the "Cyst and Decease" but OMG!!!!! Could there be a better mix up? Was this on the reunion? I am woefully behind on my Bravo.
I live in the Denver area, frequent Vitamin Cottage, and got to Joe first, thank you! :o)
And dandy? TMI, TMI!
SGM, thanks for the brilliant post!
Thank you for this - laughed 'til I cried! I can't wait until Jason Hoppy comes to town - hubba, hubba...
I had to come back today to comment- was too tired last night! LOVE it! 'A little wrinkly, but not as bad as Tamra Barney." Ha! Is Albie dating anyone yet?! Too bad it didn't work out with that girl from Millionaire Matchmaker!
But what I need to know is if he is taller than 5'- 4".
No way he's taller than 5'4".
No, but I will admit to letting my mind wander while scrubbing the kitchen to having some special lady time with Lisa Vanderpump. Even just saying her name gets me a little worked up.
Funny. I was just getting ready to clean the bathrooms. Guess I will now need to send hubby and the kids out on some errands!
Is this foreshadowing for an upcoming episode of Dina's Party?
I too find him strangely attractive. And this scares me. And I'm pretty sure he does drive an orange Hummer....
Officially, I hate Joe Gorga for being a loudmouthed Neanderthal. Unofficially, I would have hot, angry sex with him in a car on the Jersey turnpike.
i love you (and i have absolutely no idea who this joe ganja is, nor do i care).
If he was only 6 inches taller, and less hairy. Oh and he would have to keep his hat on during sex. In a car or out of the car.
Although, if he is short, he'd come right up to my boobs. Hmmmmmmm....
As for Jason Hoppy,...sorry ladies, he won't be coming around anytime soon. I have him locked in my bedroom, on the left side. Marico (from RHoBH) is on the right.
bawhahahhahahahhahahha!