Parlez vous Gorga?
Thursday, May 26, 2011 
"I looked atter, I looked atter wit my eyez."
In English, this means "I had too much to drink, and my frightening and shameful outburst was imminent."
How about those black dinner hats? This must be traditional attire for a post-christening fight. Those Gorgas, so rich in cultural traditions and violence!
Highlights of this week's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey:
1. The Gorgas tell their side of the fight story to Kathy and Rich, and the Guidices tell their side to Jacqueline and Caroline et al. Everyone thinks they deserve an apology but no one will get one. I particularly enjoyed the part when Kathy said of Joe Gorga, "he had had it up to HERE" and then put her hand at nose level. Oh, how we chuckled at that at my house! Joe Gorga is lucky if he comes up to her armpits.
2. More award winning camera-work by Bravo: on Halloween night, Joe and Melissa are changing into their costumes while baby Joey has been abandoned right inside the front door, incapacited by his baby batman costume with wings spread.
At least he has some candy for sustenance.
2. Caroline Manzo gets in everyone's business, scowling and lecturing.
"I heard you don't wash your face before bed. FIX IT, okay?"
Isn't it interesting that someone who claims to hate drama is on a show that is 100% pure drama? Yes.
3. Kim G slithered on the scene to talk about Teresa's fat cwooked ass (no that is not a typo) and became aligned with Melissa Gorga. Kim G is so fucking creeeeeeepy.
4. Joe Gorga dressed up as Snooki for Halloween.
"Damn, you look ug--I mean, you look like your sister."
When he was getting so into it and wiggling his tush on the dance floor, I actually had a glimmer of how he might be likable in real life. Meanwhile, Kim G is interrogating Melissa about what she's going to do when she sees Teresa at the Posche fasion show. With her eyes. Melissa is not so thug after all--she's nervous.
5. Before the fashion show, Jaq and Teresa are drinking champagne and nibbling on handfuls of prosciutto. You know what? I really like Jacqueline. She doesn't punch or scream or get bossy or look like she smells of pee and toilet paper (KIM G). She even seems like the kind of person that, if she follows you on twitter, she won't immediately unfollow you. In other words, she's normal and not a self-centered asshole.
ANYHOW, in the language of Gorga--which Jacqueline seems to understand--Teresa insists that she's not afraid to see Melissa and that they should do some shots before they walk down the runway. Great idea! Alcohol and Gorgas are equivalent to a match and a stick of dynamite.
6. Backstage at the Posche fashion show at the Brownstone! So top secret with the red plastic covering the French doors.
These women REALLY love their curling irons, don't they? Just curl for a 30 count, spray the crap out of it and do not, under circumstances, brush it out. Instant RHONJ style.
7. RHONYC is starting so let's cut to the chase: Melissa and Teresa are fine. Everyone is fakey-time but "hurting in their hearts" and "smiles not going up to their eyes." Whatevs. Kathy decides to "have a word" with Teresa and ends up insinuating she's a bad mom. This causes Teresa to storm off and contemplate whether trying to smother Kathy with red plastic would get her another season or just jail time. And it's over.
Hope we get to see some of this tonight!
Looks like saggy Pinot belly time is the new turtle time!
Reader Comments (6)
Gorga eyes are abnormally large, widely spaced and look like the old school cartoon character Droopy Dog.
If they look atta you wid dozse eyes, it means sumpin.
It means deres gonna be a fight.
If you have to be around these freaks, learn to understand Gorga eye talk for your own safety!
I can't believe that you continue to outdo yourself with your Bravo recaps. When I see a new post I know that you're going to make me laugh out loud a minimum of five time per post. And I enjoy the comments almost as much as the post. Thanks for making my day.
Are the curling irons NJites seem to love creating a semi Shirley Temple banana curl look? I do feel that are rather old to be sporting such a hairstyle.
Kim G. will do ANYTHING to be a housewife. I'm just waiting for Bravo to build a show around the thong wearing prom gown socialite.
I was laughing out loud when I saw that baby just laying (lying) just inside the front door. I was wondering if they even care on do they do that on a regular basis?
Also is anybody going to comment on that gross bathroom lotion toe session? Please with a camera crew watching you?
On WWHL after the show Andy wondered why the Gorgas were dressed like cartoon cat burglars at their own dinner table, and I loved him again.
I find Kim G. to be the lowest common reality show denominator. Not interesting enough to be a full-time character, and just barely smart enough to know when to show up while the cameras are rolling. I predict by next year she'll be dating Slade.
AHHHH! everyone's a size 2 after a bottle of Pinot Grigio!