"I used to be a fun gay. I'm not a fun gay anymore."
Sunday, August 15, 2010 
"So, uh, your choices are brown, dark brown, and really dark brown."
Dearest Jeff,
You're back! I am so thrilled. While I'm eager to discuss the Season 4 opener of Flipping Out with you, I first must eat some pie--and don't bother looking for it on the McDonald's dollar menu because it's not there. I'm talking about humble pie. Last year, I didn't think Ryan was stealing business from you. To quote Ramoner, I thought you were making a mountain out of a hole hill. But after watching this episode and hearing about the flood of business you've been getting, as well as more stories of clients who felt they were misled, I now believe that you were right. I apologize for doubting you. If it makes you feel any better, I also believed Jon Gosselin when he said that the woman he was with in a bar at 2am was "just a friend." I am clearly handicapped when it comes to reading people. Please forgive me.
Let's talk about the show.
Your life is busier than ever. You have jobs not only in LA, but in other states.
If you're not driving or flying to see a client, you're meeting a client. Your one meal of the day consists of chicken McNuggets with a Binaca chaser. You finally arrive home only to find that your employees are making mistakes and your animals are peeing and pooping in the house with impudence. Life is filled with pressure and stress. To the camera, you lament that you are no longer a "fun gay."
Jeff, I was gay for a few days this summer and I also dabble in life-coaching, so I feel I'm qualified to advise you on this matter. When I was feeling not-so-fun (common among lesbians), I'd often meditate and then go out with friends. Other times, I'd score some coke and get a hooker. Either way, pretty soon I'd be feeling fun again. There are many ways to feel like a fun gay, Jeff. Don't limit yourself.
Speaking of lesbians,
you said (indirectly about your clients Nancy and Emily), "You just don't want to push a lesbian too far because they can get tough. I love lesbians, but you have know your boundaries. She could lay me out on that floor in two seconds."
YOU ARE SO RIGHT. I'll spare you the details of my own experience, but let's just say that there is nothing more painful than getting a Birkenstock to the crotch. I hope for your sake that their renovation goes smoothly.
Jett's hair is looking so much better, and his baby is adorable.
I would so Hand-that-Rocks-the-Cradle that situation if I were Jenni. Yes indeed. Oh, and while we're on the subject of Jett, he explained in detail how to make your favorite drink, a blue cheese stuffed olive Grey Goose dirty martini. I hope you cleared that with Vicki Gunvalson because it's actually her drink (see here). Watch your back. She's not a lesbian but I bet she fights like one.
Sara is delightful. Last season, I was very jealous of her, which caused me to direct a lot of anger and criticism her way. Now, thanks to months of therapy and pharmaceutical intervention, I find her sweet and guileless--the perfect foil for you. Remember when you made her pick up "booger napkins" that someone had left on the ground? And then you both playfully joked about smelling like trash? In the past I would have found a way to crucify her on this blog, but now I simply throw my butterscotch mojito at the tv and forget about it. Progress!
Let's talk about the Nicaraguan Inquisition, shall we? You hounded Zoila in front of the whole office about where she was going until she finally confessed she was getting a bikini wax. The joke was ultimately on you because she has figured out that she just has to say anything personal and private like that and you'll let her go. But still, you were out of line. And even though I was mortified to watch you go on and ask about a Brazilian, it was worth it to see this:
You have finally unlocked the secret to ruffling Trace--talk about Zoila's pubic hair.
Jenni looks fantastic.
I am so happy to hear she's dating someone. I know that you are not so pleased, and that you think she is distracted by her new relationship and the attendant sexting. You feel it's causing her to make mistakes, such as when she forgot to bring the client's phone number and you were unable to call when you were running late. If you'd like, I could coach her on the matter of showing proper remorse. I'm thinking earsplitting wailing followed by lying down in front of the car, begging to be run over. I do that for my husband and he finds it very satisfying.
You looked especially handsome in this episode. I like how you've incorporated flannel into your wardrobe. Very butch. That reminds me--I am thinking of doing a topless calendar with the men of Bravo. Ideally, the group would be you, Jett, Albie, Sheree and Donn Gunvalson. Maybe Andy Cohen if he waxes his chest. Are you interested? If the idea of showing so much skin turns you off, I would consider letting you wear suspenders and a bow-tie. Let me know.
Congrats on the outstanding season opener!
Love,
SGM
Reader Comments (28)
SGM:
You said you were "doing a topless calendar." Do I take that to mean that you will be featured in the topless calendar as well?
Fake hair? Say it ain't so. I love Jeff. Love him as strongly as my urge to bitch slap Rachel Zoe every minute of each episode Love Zoila, Jen, Jett. So happy they are back.
I am late reading this, and I concur with your assessment of the first episode, but hasn't it improved quite a bit? I think Jeff is so darn funny sometimes! In fact, so fucking funny I sometimes opt to use the word darn.
I certainly hope his intention is to be funny.