"She panicked, and she pooped."
Tuesday, April 27, 2010 
She sure did! The poor thing was frightened half to death. She tried to escape and even brought out her sharp little claws, but in the end, she did what she always does when she feels threatened--she pooped all over everyone and everything and made a big embarrassing mess.
I'm talking about Jill, of course. When she heard that Bethenny was not only in her immediate area but newly engaged, well. Fight or flight and shit-the-pants took over. We saw it with our own eyes.
Before we start, did anyone actually take my advice and go to Dairy Queen for the Blizzard sale? I don't know about your DQ, but it was fucking AMATEUR NIGHT at mine. People parking willy nilly, blocking other cars in, running in like their hair was on fire, only to find themselves in a line 15 people deep. And that was just me! What a sight.
Here is your Real Housewives of New York City recap:
1. Jill's dog Ginger (aka "Gingah") hasn't been eating well and Jill is convinced she's seriously ill. Apparently Ginger has severe anxiety every time she visits the vet, so Jill orders up a housecall. In other words, she plans an AMBUSH, Real Housewives-style. As soon as the vet walks in the door, Ginger realizes what's up and proceeds to have a full-blown hissy fit just like her mama did at Ramoner's. She craps what looks to be twice her body weight all over Jill's living room, which is suddenly and inexplicably filled with lots of people. Jill is running around frantically, yelling for water and smearing dog turds into her chairs and carpet. My favorite part is when she calls for perfume, because everyone knows that's how you clean--just dump some perfume on those brown stains and call it good!
Ginger's fine by the way, aside from being portrayed as a disgusting little creature who constantly farts, eats Jill's boogers and poops all over the house. I took several bites of cereal while typing that sentence. What do you think about THAT?
2. Bethenny enters Alex and Simon's buzzing, glowing, pulsating sex den. Oops, I mean living room. Alex has asked her new friend Bethenny over to pick at some salad and braid each other's lank hair, but guess what? Bethenny has news! She's engaged! To JASON JASON JASON JASON! "He liked it so much he put a ring on it," Bethenny cracks, which never gets old, NEVER, not even after we have heard her repeat this exact sentence to the press 100 times. God.
There is awkward hugging, and Alex seems to be excited although she is distracted by the salad dressing, which just isn't coming together. At this point, Bethenny tells the camera that it's refreshing to have someone be genuinely happy for her with no strings attached. Oooh, can you feel her staring pointedly at Jill through the tv screen?
Bethenny tells the story of how Jason proposed, it was so romantic, blah blah blah. We don't see any footage of it, which can only mean that Jason popped the question while they were in North Korea or at Jeff Lewis' house after dark (the only two places on earth where Bethenny can't grant Bravo permission to film).
Alex and Bethenny have the following conversation, complete with strikeouts:
"So when's this wedding going to be?"
"Oh, it depends on the production schedule we really haven't thought about it. It just happened!"
"Do you want a big media clusterfuck wedding?"
"No, we want something small, very low-key. In other words, a total circus with at least five sponsors. I've already contacted PEPPERIDGE FARM, maker of quality baked goods, and they're in for 10 grand if I wear a dress made of Milanos."
Bethenny tells Alex that she is the very first person Bethenny's told about the engagement, and while Alex tells the camera that she finds this very touching and a symbol of how close they have become, the rest of us (may I speak for you?) find it rather sad. If your reality show castmate, the one you called desperate and delusional last season, is the very first person on the earth you tell about your engagement, you're hurtin' in the friend department.
Bethenny tells the camera that she's not going to tell anyone about her pregnancy just yet. Unlike peeing on the toilet, some things are private.
3. Ramoner and Sonja have lunch the day after the big Kodak debacle. They reminisce for a quick moment before Sonja segues into "wtf happened last night?" Ramoner shrugs and basically says "Jill is very sensitive and simply does not understand my inquisitive nature." This is is what I find amazing about Ramoner--she puts on a world-class exhibit of rudeness and then when someone later confronts her on it, she does the verbal equivalent of spraying perfume on it. Guess what, Ramoner? It doesn't cover up the stank. Just ask Jill.
The topic turns to Kelly. Sonja sees her all over and has been introduced to her a million times, yet last night Kelly was all "...and you are?" Ramoner tries to explain that Kelly doesn't remember women, but it's even simpler than that: Kelly doesn't remember anything at all, except for that one time Bethenny called her Madonna. That she remembers, and she clings to it like a castaway holding onto a rickety raft in a vast, empty ocean.
4. Cut to Kelly in the Hamptons, trying to make pancakes from a mix. It's extremely difficult for her, mainly because I don't think she's ever used a stove or a spatula before. She's a pretty good sport about it though, and after she melts the spatula and nibbles on it a bit, she drifts away and lets her children finish the job.
5. Okay, here's the deal. It is 1am as I write this and my brain just crapped out. I can't go on. I realize I didn't even cover the best part, which was Jill and Bethenny's most agonizing meeting to date. My tv frosted over!
"I know Bethenny got engaged just to make me completely anxious and uncomfortable."
I need you to take over in the comments and tell me what you think about the Countess' apartment hunting, Jill and Bethenny, and of course, this:
Also--many of you already know about the Countess' song, but if you haven't heard it in all of its full-length tonedeaf glory, please click here. WOW. If you see me today and I am giggling uncontrollably to myself, it is because this song is playing in my head.
I bet you anything there's a pack of dogs howling right outside that studio door.
Mason of Seattle's Movin 92.5 and I did hit all of the high points of RHNYC when we talked last Friday. Listen here:
Reader Comments (34)
Ginger $hitfest!
Elegance is burned.
Hot eats, cool treats
I can always count on the comments to be better than my posts.
This show is getting better and better....
Oh there is so much more to talk about.
I have been wondering, was Jill's accent this strong last season? I mean, its not new, but I don't remember it being this strong. The whole ring scene outside that party was insane. She has lost it.
Also....did you just see Watch What Happens where Kim basically bashes the Countess and says she not really a musician and repeats ten times that she refuses to download her song but wishes her the best. One word: mirror.
I know reality shows can edit the hell out of you but with these show, these women have got serious issues. What is wrong with these women? Are they for real? Always fighting about mundane stuff! The fake friendships are getting unbearable, the pretentiousness-on another level... oh lord! You know what the saddest thing is? The saddest this is that this country is sending some fine young men and women to wars so that they can fight to "protect the freedom" of these worthless creatures also know as the Real WIves of New York! So not right!
my love for you only increases...
Ah! The Autotune! That last note on "learned" goes up in an odd way which you know means she cracked so badly. I think my favorite line is "He's either rude or has style and pinache". My, my. And that soulless "Ha ha!".
Bethenney Jill "ambush" was tense. Ugh.
I think it's EXTREMELY SAD AND PATHETIC that Bethenney had no friends to tell that she's pregnant and/or engaged. The two things that she wanted most in the world and she had NO ONE to share it with! I hate to say it but Ramona was right when she said that Bethenny had no one, no friends or family.
I just hope that Jason and his family do not get hurt by B. I know she's looking like the victim right now with the Jill fiasco but there IS a reason she has NO friends/family around her. I mean how bad is it when your DYING Father won't even see you?
That is the thing that has bothered me the most. Your Father is dying and he doesn't want to make amends with you? What did you do to hurt him THAT bad? I know she has a razor sharp tongue but they are just words, she had to do something so unforgivable to have this man deny her on his deathbed.
I hope marriage and the baby change her because her razor tongue might just cut off her nose to spite her face.
Oh my gawd! Jill looks just like the redheaded redneck waitress on True Blood, but not nearly as endearing! I used to love huh, but now I ca-yant staa-yand huh! She makes me feel sorry for Bethenny and I think Bethenny is awful. Those ladies are so retarded.
What the hell goes on-- does the crew DO something to these people (from all the cities), because as time wears on, the nice ones get more and more disgusting until they turn into complete shrews and the terrible ones just get worse and worse until they are unwatchable.
I cannot get over Luann's song... I also cant get over her whole "CLASSY" shtick. Have you ever EVER ever EVER heard anyone classy refer to themselves as classy? Um, didnt think so.
The verbal equivalent of spraying perfume on it... GENIUS! And, yes, I agree...it did feel really sad that Alex was the first person Bethenny told. I really like Bethenny this season for some reason.