"If I hear any more shit, I'll be knocking on your door. And I won't be alone."
Thursday, June 18, 2009 
Oh really, Danielle? REALLY? Exactly who will you be bringing with you, Ms. Wrong-Place-Wrong-Time-The-Lies-In-This-Book-Make-Me-Throw-Up-and-Have-Diarrhea? You're not making any sort of THREAT, are you? Because hmmm, I don't know, that seems to fly in the face of your indignant claim that you're an innocent victim who has been slandered by the evil Manzos.
Danielle honey, listen up. I'm about to talk shit and the only person you're going to bring to my door is Albie. NAKED. Got it?
Okay then. Here's the dirt on the finale of Real Housewives of New Jersey:
1. Dina visits Teresa for a tour of her new house. As we already know, Teresa is enormously proud of her "granite, marble and onyx" mansion. Each room is cavernous and every surface is shiny and slick--not unlike Teresa's oily bohunk of a husband. Apparently the house has so many rooms that they are designated for certain activities, such as a wine-making room, a wine-tasting room, a cut-off jeans room and a dead body room. (Okay, okay, I made those last two up.) I know Teresa was going for a French chateau look, but I think it is closer to a Saddam Hussein Palace look. Check it out:
Saddam's digs or Teresa's? You can't tell, can you? Spooky.
At the end of the tour, Teresa tells the camera that she wanted to have a housewarming party, but her house isn't finished yet so she's going to invite people out to dinner instead. I know, it totally doesn't make sense--why not wait until your house is finished and then have a housewarming party? Well, because Bravo needs a big FINALE, that's why. This fact is made even more clear when Teresa announces to Dina that she's going to invite Danielle even though she thinks she's a lying whore.
When was the last time you invited someone you loathed to a small gathering of close friends? Fakey, fakey, FAKE, Bravo, and I don't appreciate it.
2. Danielle is showing some of her modeling photos to her kids. The photos themselves were blurred, which kind of pissed me off. Was she nude? Because that would have upped the creep factor, which is already dangerously high. Maybe she was just holding a bag of Doritos? We'll never know.
Danielle tells the camera that the fact that The Book is on every coffee table in New Jersey has forced her to do some 'splaining to her kids. She tells them that she's made mistakes and learned from them, and it's all made her what she is today, which is a sunken-faced narcissistic skank with a really crappy eyebrow waxer. She does air quotes to the camera again, I can't even remember why, but it just adds to her shifty persona.
During this scene, the following facts are revealed: Danielle has two ex-husbands (the first one wrote the book), she was a stripper, she got arrested and she changed her name. She did not mention being a cokehead or a slut. An honest mistake, I'm sure.
3. Jacque's parents visit from Las Vegas in an RV. Mom and Dad have an astonishing amount of common sense that Jacque did not inherit. That's all you need to know.
4. Dina helps 12 year old Lexi clean the stuffed animals out of her room. This is where I would normally wrinkle my brow and say "what the hell?" but I happen to hang on Dina's every word, so it was bearable (no pun intended).
We also see that, unbeknownst to Dina, Lexi has been hoarding huge amounts of candy in a dresser drawer. Drool started spilling out of my mouth at the sight of it. I'll be accepting donations for my candy drawer as of right now.
5. Caroline gets a German Shepard "protection dog" who is a foaming-at-the-mouth, rabid, vicious animal. Nice try, Caroline. Nothing can keep me away from the smoldering heat that is Albie.
6. Jacque gives her spoiled brat kid the new car, just like we knew she would. There's some blah blah blah about "earning driving time" but ... oh, I'm sorry, I must have dozed off.
7. Moving on! Dina, Lexi and Caroline are out to dinner. Dina wants to quit her job and stay home to take care of her family, which I assume means her perpetually absent huz, Grandma Wrinkle (the cat) and Lexi. She says "those womens' libbers would wanna smack me right now." My eyes almost popped out of my head. Holy shit, Dina, "womens' libbers"? Seriously? Are you aware that this is not 1950? Why is her use of this phrase so endearing to me?
8. Finally, what we've all been waiting for--the Guidice "housewarming" dinner. We see the vainglorious Danielle getting dressed, gazing into a wall of mirrors and asking her daughters whether she should wear her hair up or down. (I scoffed at this, by the way, until I remembered that I recently was in a store and asked my four year old her opinion on which sunglasses I should buy. LOSER.) Danielle says she's really looking forward to the party. Translation: she's really looking forward to the shitstorm she's about to create.
At the restaurant, cocktail hour has commenced and everyone is laughing and having a grand time. Obviously, Danielle has not arrived yet.
Teresa debuts her new bubbies and Dina gives her some new lingerie from Victoria's Secret.
Someone, I think it is Teresa, asks Albie and Chris whether Caroline's bubs are real. Albie and Chris are properly GROSSED OUT, which I was glad to see, yet it was still LOL. It's all good times until....
Danielle, dressed like an aging hooker, struts in ready to do battle. Surprise, surprise, she's seated next to Teresa's husband Joe, whom she hates. (Another transparent attempt at finale drama; thanks, Bravo.) Everyone's being nice to Danielle even though it's obviously awkward because they all hate her guts.
To lighten the mood, Teresa starts telling a story about how her husband Joe wanted to have sex with her on the way home from getting her breast implants. Everyone is gasping for air, they are laughing so hard, except for Danielle, who has to piss on everything by saying something along the lines of an unsmiling "well you didn't have surgery down below." This part was clearly all edited up, but Danielle came across as a major biatch.
Then, during a lull in the conversation, Danielle whips out that book and drops it right on the table.
Everyone averts their eyes and is all "ooooh shit," except for Danielle, whose body language can only be described as aggressive. When it becomes clear that no one else is going to acknowledge the book, she melodramatically announces that she brought the book because it's been haunting her and she needs to clarify some facts. She starts talking and Dina realizes that she is the target of this "clarification," aka ATTACK. Dina says, "can I interrupt?" and Danielle turns a steely eye to her and says "No. You. Can't." And now it's ON.
Teresa jumps in and valiantly tries to divert Danielle's attention. She does so by telling Danielle that the story was going to come out eventually, and that, as a friend, she should have told everyone about the book in the first place.
Danielle shouts, "When I am finished you can lay into me all you want sweethot, but right now I have the floah! How dare you interrupt me when ahm trying to say my piece!"
What a lovely guest.
Teresa sees where this is going and asks that the kids be taken out of the room. Danielle freaks out about that too. Her kids want to stay, and she lets them because she loves making bad decisions.
Caroline tries to moderate and says threateningly to the whole table that Danielle has the floah and that "we're all adults and we'll act accordingly!"
Danielle talks about throwing up, diarrhea and that she KNOWS Dina revealed the book at their hair salon, Chateau. Dina denies, and Caroline utters her menacing (and now infamous) "Let me tell you something about my family!" line. Then, out of nowhere, Caroline states that SHE was the one who took the book to Chateau. Danielle says nooooooooo, she heard it was Dina. Dina denies,
Jacque pipes up and calls Dina a liar,
and now those two are screaming at each other.
Teresa says to Danielle, "well, something in this book has to be true," and Danielle UNLEASHES on Teresa. Teresa in turn starts making guttural noises, calls Danielle a "fucking stupid bitch" and upends the table:
(thank you, Brilliant Asylum, for this priceless gif)
All I am thinking about at this point is Albie, and how I hope that the flying glass does not mar his gorgeous face. (and to the anonymous commenter who asked if I would friend Albie on facebook and get a photo of his penis--I am working on it.)
To summarize: this whole debacle boils down to two issues 1) who took the book to Chateau and 2) whether the book contains any truth about Danielle. I can't really get worked up about it because the whole thing could have been resolved neatly by 1) calling the fucking hair stylist on speakerphone and asking him what happened, and 2) a defamation of character lawsuit brought by Danielle years ago. That book was apparently pretty damning and not something you let slide. Clean up your mess, Danielle, or LIVE WITH IT. Or change your name again. But stop blaming other people for your problems.
Here is my opinion on the Jersey housewives:
I have developed a deep and abiding affection for the Manzos and Teresa. I am slightly ashamed of it, and I can't begin to explain it, but I want to be friends with them (which probably won't happen because of my lecherous feelings toward Albie and also because I likened Teresa's house to that of a murderous dictator).
However, I feel that all of the drama on this show was contrived. Are we really supposed to believe that the book just happened to be discovered during the filming of this show? Why did Teresa have a housewarming party at a restaurant? Why was Danielle invited?
I'm not saying that the situations in OC, New York and Atlanta are 100% real, but the illusion of reality is more present in those series. Bethenny and Kelly--they do not like each other on or off camera. If they were forced to sit next to each other on the Today show, you would feel the tension. Not so with Danielle and Teresa. They giggle and walk out together.
This Housewives series was edited within an inch of its life, and I just couldn't ignore the unnatural and forced situations. I wish I could, my darlings. I wanted to be captivated by New Jersey, but I wasn't.
What do you think? Where do you rank New Jersey among all of the Housewives series?
Reader Comments (73)
I agree with you... so contrived and over edited. But still, I loved it. Maybe it's cause I grew up (and still live) right next to Jersey and know or have been around gals like that my whole life. I couldn't stand the Danielle drama and I can't stand her. I hate the way she is with her children, so needy... she is going to do a number on those poor girls. It's a trainwreck I don't find enjoyable to watch. The rest of them, though, I love. Dina and Caroline and Theresa. Jacqueline was 'eh' for me. Too goody-goody-I'm-gonna-do-what-my-heart-tells-me-is-right. Tolerable, just boring.
I hope they do another without Danielle.
don't think the cig scene at the bitter end was scripted. and was it just me but Jacqueline's father could be related to Abe Vigoda?
I thought that Teresa's husband was supposed to be paying, but I heard Teresa (I think) say (at minute 50 into the show) "Andrew's gettin' the check, right?" Probably the best money he ever spent.
It was in the 'director's cut' episode, not the first finale.
Ok..
Why did Teresa have a housewarming party at a restaurant? Because Andrew wanted a good ending and she and her hub said no way is that slut crossing our threshhold. Andrew:"Well, what if it was in a restaurant, and I paid?" "OK!"
Why was Danielle invited? Um, do you have to ask this question?
I had to stop watching the NY women because their flagrant spending was pissing me off and I was mostly bored with everything else. Your recaps were TONS more interesting.
For some reason I was captivated by the NJ bitches, although, true be told, I often fast-forwarded through Danielle's diatribes. I could watch The Teresa, Dina, and Caroline Show all day long. LOVE them.
I do agree about The Dinner. How contrived. Yet still riveting. Weird.
I love the Manzos and Teresa too! Even though it was obviously over-edited and completely contrived, this was my favorite housewives by far! (though my husband who "doesn't watch these shows" still says OC is the best)
and how did Danielle get the book into the restaurant in that teeny-tiny handbag?
who's Andrew?
Your recaps are the best. I have nothing but love for the NJ cast, minus Danielle and Jacqueline's daughter, Ashley.
NJ is my favorite, followed by Hotlanta, then New York. The OC is dead to me. I got tired of the product hawking on NY in Season 2. I know these ladies have got to pay the bills somehow, but it wasn't half as entertaining as She by Sheree or Kim's musical career.
I had to rewind a couple of times, but I'm pretty sure that when Teresa said, "Look, it's the book." she was speaking Italian. Kind of gives you chills, huh? Like she was saying, "Let's hit her over the head and put her under some of the onyx so we don't have to deal with her anymore." I think Danielle is pure trash and feel sorry for her girls.
I want to hang our with Caroline and her family. They seem great to me. Maybe it was all in editing, but Dina seems to be a good mom. Poor Jacqueline. Not smart enough to get in out of the rain, yet her parents seemed interestingly normal. Maybe she ran away when she had Ashley.
What about Danielle's rant at the end? Did I hear right that "the dirt" she had on Dina was that she used to live in a small apartment with linolium (sp?) floors?!? How does that compare to being a crack whore, I'm sorry, stripper? What a nutjob.
"oily bohunk of a husband" hahahahhahaha!!!this 16candles reference made my WHOLE day!!
Here is how my top 4 goes
4) Atlanta
3) New Jersey
2 & 1) OC and New York
I don't know why, but I can't stand the Atlanta girls. I think they're boring.
I love the OC because they are so 2-faced and NY because they aren't afriad to say it to their face.
New Jersey, like you said, seems a little contrived. But entertaining enough to keep watching.
When this show - New Jersey - started I wasn't looking forward to it after coming down after the New York drama but surprisingly it's my favorite. I love Teresa, Dina and Caroline and I'll give Jacqueline a chance if she drops Danielle, whom I despise. I know they're all rich and have questionable sources of cash but there's just something likeable about them. Maybe it's the family aspect but they seem more real.
By the time NY was over I was sick of all the infomercial crap. They all have jobs but have to come up with products for their egos and the same goes for all their charity work. The OC women were flat just getting mean with one another and all the sun in So. Cal is taking it's toll on their looks. It seems so long ago that the Atlanta chicks were on it's hard to remember them much - but one never forgets NeNe or Kim.
I think I'd rank them as New Jersey first, Atlanta, New York and then Orange County.
Best animated gif ever!
I thought I would love the Jerz too, but it was a disappointment. I am so tired of every episode hearing Dina whine about wanting to stay home with Lexi. Teresa was still my favorite at the end, but that dopey voice she has when she's drunk spoiled my girl-crush on her.
Eye. Ammm. Payin.
attention.
Painful. Really painful.
I agree the drama was contrived, and if they were trying to set out to prove that the Sopranos was a "far cry" from what the rest of Jersey is like, then they failed miserably.
** News Flash **
Today in the New York Post there was a story that Steve, the 27 going on 57 yr. old former boyfriend of Danielle, has a sex tape of them and is shopping it around, he said in an interview with Star magazine.
Anon 6:02, I was thinking the same thing! Danielle walked in with a small clutch, certainly not big enough to hold that book. And then she pulled the book out from under the table? Definitely contrived!
I think Dina is a bit of a spoiled brat, but a good mom. I love Caroline - would definitely hang out with her! Teresa has grown on me and Jaqueline is just kind of there. Danielle is a hot mess, but her daughters seem like well-adjusted young ladies, surprisingly.
Of course the book was known about by all before the show filmed. Proved to be good ratings...
I couldn't get into Atlanta, it was too much of a forced trainwreck.
I live next to the OC (not where they are) but I see too many of those types here, and it is boring to watch, although I did like the Gretchen angle this past season, I can't stand Vicki or Tamra!
New York was my favorite...I was looking forward to the season, and it was mainly an infomercial for each of them and no thanks!
Jersey was the best, I am sorry they are only on for 6 episodes. New Jersey looked beautiful where they are, and I am loving the Manzos and Teresa. Jacqueline BUGS me and Danielle - deserves no comment!
Does this mean that you won't recap again if they are on? I love your recaps!
which is a sunken-faced narcissistic skank with a really crappy eyebrow waxer.
best line evah.
the eyebrow thing is too much botox and a crappy waxer.
book was planted FO' SUR'!!
The Jersey girls are too boring and tacky. I try to sit thru the epis to follow the snark on the blogs but it's painful. ANd I never watch a repeat where the other franchises are as addictive as dorito's
This post was hilarious! I love Teresa and the Manzos too...I heart them!
At first I was over taken with the whole thing. I thought it was fantastic. I loved the scene where they were all in their respective cars heading to the restaurant - very Sopranos-ish.
But after the initial excitement wore off, I was really? I mean it shouldn't come as a big shocker that it was contrived. I just don't really get why Teresa had to go ballistic when nothing was ever really directed at her. I mean other than Danielle telling her to pay attention.
I think I liked the director's cut w/Albie & his bro. My favorite line was "If you're not familiar with the table flip, then you're not from Jersey."
I do feel bad for Danielle's girls. For the older one to say that she felt like she was going to have to get involved to stand up for her mom - that comment made me so sad. Why would you put your child in that kind of situation whether it was contrived or not. I'm not a parent but I believe that was some poor parenting.
My favorite: hands down, ALBIE!
Okay, we share the same brain minus the potty-mouth tendencies. For some reason, cursing bothers me on the same level that an inadequately displayed shelf of evian bothers our beloved Jeff Lewis.
As for the Jersey girls, I love the Manzos and Teresa. I cannot stomach that Joker-faced lunatic. She could've been Nicholson's stunt double. I agree that season two, if there is one, should not include the nut.
I wish I could have heard everything Teresa said during her table flipping tirade. I've never seen anything like it!