"Running in New York is probably one of the most vilerating things you can do."
Friday, April 17, 2009 
I'm guessing that Bravo edited out the rest of that sentence, which must have been "...especially after you snort an eight ball of coke!" What else could explain Kelly running obliviously through the streets of Manhattan, in the flow of traffic, hair flying like a skinny Kevin Sorbo? She's breathing in tons of noxious fumes, a CAB is up her ASS and she's all, "the greatest luxury of running is freedom!" Yeah, until you get locked in a padded room because you think you're a gd CAR.
By the way, Kelly--I had to rewind your sentence 4 times and was about to look up "vilerating" in the dictionary before I realized that you were trying to say "exhilarating." Did you know that a numb tongue is one of the effects of cocaine usage? Just fyi.
Here is your Real Housewives of NYC recap:
1. Zarin Fabrics is hosting some sort of nighttime party for its new eco-friendly fabrics. Jill is bustling around as if she works there. Oops, she does work there--she's a "trained business woman." Maryo and Ramoner arrive and Maryo starts in on the fucking tennis match again and OMG I WANT TO LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE.
"ET phone home"Two things saved me: 1) Jill's wise decision to simply smile and say "yes" to Mario's ranting and 2) the beneficent presence of Bobby Zarin. XOXO, Bobby!
After Maryo is done browbeating Jill, he decides that he needs to take a dig at Simon. He swaggers over and basically tells Simon that his tennis outfit sucked ass, and that he looked like he "was in 7th grade gym." Maryo goes onto say that he would expect someone as fashionable as Simon to buy a brand new outfit just for the game. "He did!" pipes up Alex. Of course he did. Ramoner tells the camera, "Simon's outfit was annoying. In fact, everything about Simon is annoying." WE KNOW, RAMONER. You've mentioned it a time or two. Jesus. Anyhow, Simon is an amazingly good sport about it all.
His stock is rising...for now.
Bethenny tells Jill that Ramoner needs to update her '90s Cosmo dating rules. One of Bethenny's new rules: "think of my vagina as a vase--if you want to have sex with me, send me flowers." Hear that, A-Rod?
Kelly walks in with Max. Bethenny says that she knew Kelly was there when she heard a voice chirping "hi, hey, cute! hi, hi, hey!" Bethenny's imitation of Kelly is dead-on, and I am desperate to have it as my new ringtone.
Brad sees Max and immediately gets a gigantic boner. He can't stop talking about how luscious Max is, and Jill is getting embarrassed, but she's not embarrassed enough to stop herself from asking Kelly and Max, "are we friends, or friends with benefits?" Ooooooh, yeah! Team Jill! Skull and Crossbones! Kelly avoids answering but HELLO, Jill, they are totally effing.
I have been calling Max a Euro, which is a mistake. He's actually from Argentina, which makes him a South American Euro. Brad STILL won't shut up about Max's hotness and Jill (or is it Bobby Z?) apologizes, saying, "Brad's been sipping the honeywine." HONEYWINE. I don't even know what that means and I still love it.
Kelly and Max get into a cutesy pillow fight with Zarin pillows. While Kelly's thinking, "omg! how awesomely cute will this look on camera?!" Jill raises her eyebrows in disapproval, and Kelly tells the camera, "Max is spontaneous, I am spontaneous, and the two of us are firecrackers!" It's the fartfest sentence, remixed.
2. Ramoner is meeting with "the best" logo designers to help design the packaging for her skincare line. (Side note: the 'Moner does have fantastic skin--she's 52 years old but looks early 40s). She tells the camera about how she's been "using skincare products religiously for 20 years and I know that's why my skin looks so good. That's why I'm creating my own skincare line." Was anyone thinking (as I was) "I don't care about YOUR line, what have you been using for the past twenty years?"
Ramoner tells the logo people that the logo they've designed for her looks dirty and she can't have that because she's a very clean person. See how clever she is? She's not only crapped on their work, but done it in a way that insinuates that they are disgusting dirty pigs.
THEN, Ramoner says to the camera: "I don't think a lot of people can do what I do. I'm busy nonstop like you can't believe and to tell you the truth, if I start thinking about it, I could have a breakdown!"
Two things: 1) When/if she does have said breakdown, I hope it's on the reunion show and 2) are all the Housewives contractually obligated to talk about how super-duper crazy insane bananas busy they are? Because every single one of them says it--even that do-nothing Kim from Atlanta.
3. Bethenny has an appearance at a Connecticut grocery store to promote her Bethenny Bakes line. She tells the camera that usually when she makes an appearance, hundreds of people are there. But this appearance...crickets. WORSE than crickets. Everyone is avoiding or ignoring her, so she decides to approach people (with lights and a camera, no less). She is offering them free cupcakes and they are all "no. Do you know where the rostisserie chicken is?" I had to laugh, but only because Bethenny was laughing too. Well, okay, I would have laughed no matter what.
(While this scene was funny, it was all very suspicious. Who turns down a free cupcake? True--they were vegan, but still. Those cupcakes could have been made of wet sand and I'd still take one.)
4. The Countess meets with her "co-writer" (aka "writer") for her book, Class with the Countess. She pontificates in what appears to be an endless way to this poor woman who is taking notes and probably wanting to stab LuAnn in the eye. Instead she just nods and makes affirming noises as LuAnn talks about "kissing on both cheeks is fine because that's what I'm used to, that's what I like, but one cheek is fine." ( Insert obvious joke about "Hey LuAnn, I have a cheek for you to kiss.")
LuAnn also talks about how a date once asked her to split the bill and she said "how DARE you!" before she slapped him with her gloves and climbed into her horse-drawn buggy.
6. Kelly is in LA developing her "jewry" line. Awesome awesome awesome! Name-dropping! Owls! "Life doesn't have a price! Fun doesn't have a price!"
That pretty much covers it.
7. We see Jill working the door, greeting customers at Zarin Fabrics. She tells the camera how much she loves sales, and we believe it. She helps two smartly dressed gay men find window treatments, and all the while I'm thinking "oh God, Jill! Don't blow it! Don't show them that overly fussy shit you put in your own house!" But you know what? She is just fine. They leave happy, and they tell the camera that not only did they love Jill, but she was very knowledgable. I know--they seemed surprised too.
8. Then, as mentioned above, Kelly goes on her run through the streets like she's leading some mf parade. How I prayed for that cab to give her a little nudge. Just a tap. But no.
9. Jill invites Kelly and Kelly's daughters to help design Jill's custom Beatrice Amblard purse, to the tune of $16,000. It's Jill's birthday present.
SO MANY things to discuss about this scene. First, what makes these bags worth $16,000? I understand paying that much for a Birkin; you're paying for the Hermès brand, the exclusivity and the craftsmanship. How on earth did ol' Bea come to be equal with Hermès? She's obviously getting $16k a bag (at least from Jill), but what makes them so special? Fashionistas, speak up!
Uh, I guess I could do a little research. Apparently, Bea Amblard is a "Hermès artisan designing under her own label" and a total bigshot. But still. $16,000 is a lot of money. If I'm going to spend that kind of money on a handbag, it had better be lined with $100 bills and gold teeth.
Moving on. Kelly says, "Jill asked me to help design her handbag, and when she invited the girls too..." I was waiting her for her to finish with "I was thinking that that wasn't such a good idea because they're pretty young and HAVE NO BUSINESS DESIGNING $16,000 HANDBAGS." But no, she says the exact opposite: "Then I knew I wanted to go!"
Predictably, her kids (in matching jackets, natch) act up. One puts a dust cover over her head, and Kelly disciplines with something like "how would you feel if you designed $16k handbags and someone came into your studio and put a dust cover on her head?" Jill praises Kelly's mothering and tells her she could teach the Van Kempens a thing or two. EEK. Jill, shut your mouth or you will be owing Silex even more fabric.
Kelly tells Jill that she's spoiled, getting this expensive purse for her birthday. Jill says this gift is "moderate" and that "considering the economy, I didn't think we should spend a lot." I adore Jill, but she is living on another planet.
10. LuAnn meets with her publisher. They present her with two possible book covers: one with her tits hanging out, and one with her tits hanging out.
One of the women gushes to LuAnn that her life is "a fairytale!" LuAnn modestly admits, "it's a dream come true." If "a dream come true" means you get dumped via email after 16 years of marriage, then yes! Her life is a beautiful fairytale. (Poor LuAnn. Really. The Count is such a d-bag.)
They all pop the champagne. Chin chin, bitches!
11. Traditional Home is shooting Jill's apartment for its May 2009 issue.
Ginger the dog: "FML." The best moment is when Jill asks the writer where she's from. "We're based out of Des Moines," she answers. "Do you have a PP?" Jill asks. The writer looks confused. Jill explains that she and her friends call private planes "PPs" and that when someone in her group gets a new man, they ask "does he have a big PP?" Yeah, not so funny now that the economy is in the toilet.
12. Ramoner has her friends over for a preview of her skincare line. Watch it here. Here's my thought: Bethenny was out of line. Ramoner is not an idiot. Well, she is, but she's a big girl. Her line is ready to go as "Tru Renewal." There's no going back, yet here's Bethenny, telling her she needs to scrap it and change the name.
Although she tries to brush it off, Ramoner is not happy (see eyes above), and she gets Bethenny back (and then some) with that passive-aggressive "underdog" comment.
13. Bethenny is shooting the cover for her book. And holding up the building.
Her editor tells her that her book is 300 pages and she needs to trim it to 200. What? In my experience, all diet books can be boiled down to a few sentences that could fit onto a post-it.
14. Bobby buys Jill a new Mercedes SUV (watch it here). Jill, please tell me that there was some monkey-business with the editing, because it looks like you threw a fit and rejected Bobby's gift because it didn't have an iPhone dock.
Is this right? Tell the people.
15. Alex's birthday. Simon buys her some gorgeous $6300 earrings (from here) that stretch Alex's earlobes down about 3 inches. They have a driver pick them up at the jewelers, and of course, Simon is prattling on to the camera about "the element of surprise!" In order for Alex to have a great birthday, she must be surprised! Still, they both almost seem likable.
Simon says that the plan is to go home and celebrate with their kids, but he can't have Alex know that--no! Above all, Alex must be surprised! Simon had given the driver previous instructions to take a specific route to the house but for whatever reason, the driver doesn't do this and SIMON BLOWS A FUCKING GASKET. Here he is, in the car, a bright light shining on him and a cameraman in the front seat while he completely loses his shit on the driver.
He is screaming, dropping f-bombs, and flailing around as if he'd just been told that Roberto Cavalli has died, while Alex sits there silently. Alex, this is what I was hoping you say: "Simmer down, freak! You want to make my birthday happy? Do you? Try not humiliating me by acting like a total asshole on national television! NO SEX FOR 1 YEAR. Do you hear me? No wait--I've got a better idea. NO SHOPPING WITH ME FOR 1 MONTH. Oh, now you're listening, aren't you? Now STFU." It really was painful to watch him get so hysterical and do the exact thing that he was accusing the driver of--"ruining everything."
Finally they arrive home. Time for cuppycakes and chin chin with Francois and Johan. Happy happy!
"Okay boys, let's put our smiles on and pretend that we're not in our torn-up basement with our rageaholic Daddy."Did this recap seem particularly angry? I apologize. I'm sick of everyone on this show, and I can't hide it. However, I have great hope for next week, when Kelly doesn't show up to her own Halloween party and pisses off not only Bethenny but Mama Jill. Oooooh! It's going to be GOOD (it better be).
What did you think of this episode?
Reader Comments (52)
I can't even watch anymore. Too trying.
I'm off to drink some honeywine 'cuz I'm a firecracker!
i love you, but you left out the funniest line in the whole episode: "we're not *that* handy. we're gay."
also - during simon's meltdown screaming tantrum in the car i couldn't help thinking "oh look! alex is dealing with it the exact same way she deals with françois and johan's misbehavior - by ignoring it completely!"
I loved the part with Bethenny in the supermarket and the little old lady going, "WHERE'S THE ROTISSERIE CHICKENS?!", that was too classic. Poor Bethenny. Pooooor Bethenny. She handled it all like a champ.
And then Kelly running infront of the cab. Ohmygod,whatthefuck, WHO DOES THAT?
Ginger zipping around the Zarin store avoiding Jill was the highlight of this ep for me. That dog needs it's own fan page. Also, didn't it seem like Simon was going to slap Alex? Maybe it was just me...
Someone please explain the "Pop goes the Weasel comment" I just saw the episode again and I still don't understand what he meant by that random comment! So bizarre!
SGM, as others have noted, your recap is more entertaining than the show. I kept flipping back and forth from RHoNYC to House Hunters and ended up staying with the latter; watching people look at the interiors of empty houses was just more interesting this week! I'm relieved that I don't seem to be the only one annoyed by/tired of/bored with these dames (and I have never understood why fans seem to let Jill & Bethenny off the hook when their behavior is no less rancid than the others'), and I second Anonymous 7:41's motion to limit castmates to one season.
"Can't you all see that this isn't reality, it is scripted and we keep falling for it."
Anon, I think you're taking this a little more seriously than the rest of us. It's sheer entertainment!
SGM, you are ordering the cupcakes? As in paying $30 for 6? See if you can order the FREE ones from the A&P. They probably taste like sand so it won't matter that they are left over from Oct.
You missed the random "Pop Goes the Weasel?" During the painful tirade!! Rewind and enjoy!
And is it me, but as a NYer who travels frequently by car service, am I the only idiot NOT strapped in like Silex? Jeez. Last season when Gretchen was riding in the Indy 500 pace car, she only had a damned lap belt! I also don't picture Andy Cohen in his NYC cab reports wearing a shoulder harness.
I can't take my eyes off Alex and Simon's misshapen heads and the birthday hats did them no favors!!
Yeah--I checked the price. NOT ordering those cupcakes. I'm looking for stores that sell them (no A&P here) but her button is broken. I hate that.
I did love the "we're not handy, we're gay" comment. Should have put it in. I also should have talked about Ginger pooping in Jill's apt and running around in Zarin Fabric, uncapturable. Consider them mentioned!
Every week, someone goes and does something that makes it incredibly uncomfortable for me to even sit and watch.
But sit I did, and I watched Simon unnecessarily blow a gasket because the circuituous route was not taken. Blah blah cry me a river.
Kelly running was not to be believed. I am trying to convince myself that they made her run in front of a green screen and put cabs behind her, because I hope that she is not that ridiculous. But sadly, she is.
Two more things, about the Traditional Home page.
Aly has a Breakfast at Tiffany's poster in her room, which makes me like her more.
And wasn't she announced as 13 last year? I must be really confused, because they say she is 17.
Hey, SGM, I don't know how to do links....maybe these will work for you.
http://nymag.com/daily/food/2008/07/taste_test_bethenny_frankels_m.html This is NY Magazines review of Bethenny's muffins and cupcakes
and this link: http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2009/03/bethenny_frankel_continues_to.html this is when NY Magazine declared Bethenny the winner in the Kelly smack down, but implored her to stop sending them vegan cupcakes!!
I live in NYC, but I haven't ever seen them at the Food Emporium or the A&P. I actually don't think we have an A&P nearby...but I think she's also associated with the Food Emporium, if that helps. I think if you order, they have an addl $6 shipping charge and some disturbed customer posted a review on TheInsider.com about waiting 3 weeks and they never arrived, she requested a refund and then the cupcakes arrived damaged...
My suggestion? Pour yourself a skinny girl margarita and call it a day!!
And PS--since I had to go and look up her site....she ALSO has three brands (skinnygirl, bethennybakes and naturallythin). So why is she scolding Ramoner and making her eyes so crazy? Okay, I made that up. Ramoner had crazy eyes all along!
And didja notice she still has the hideous logo (pre-Silex) on her page?
Jill HAD to have a breast reduction to get through that hideous entryway the alleged designer "designed." Poor woman. But she has great taste in husbands and her daughter is just gorgeous (and seemingly sweet). And her face still looks great after the weight loss. Still the best HW.
How about crazy Kelly & crazier Simon - KelSi?
I guess you have your answer about the cupcakes and sand:
“It tastes like suntan lotion, like Bethenny Frankel made this with all of her beauty products.”
“It’s like peeling sunburned skin after you’ve put on Hawaiian Tropic oil.”
“Like eating a piece of the Sahara — with frosting.” “I tasted the icing more than anything. It doesn’t have that fake-icing flavor you get on cheap cakes.”
From the review posted above.
I loved the part with Bethenny in the supermarket and the little old lady going, "WHERE'S THE ROTISSERIE CHICKENS?!", that was too classic. Poor Bethenny. Pooooor Bethenny. She handled it all like a champ.Who really said Bethenny handled this like a champ? A "champ" would have been endearing and realizing she was fighting a LOSING battle, she could have been (oh, I don't know, it's a stretch for B, but) NICE?? It;s your promotional event. Why be aggressive with Saturday morning customers in a supermarket?
For a gal who was soooo sure of her own advice to Ramona for marketing, didn't she miss Marketing 101? Be nice to thy customers??
Ramona is picking out labels. No customers. Bethenny has real live people for her branding customer base, but Miss B decides one liners and taking pot shots is good enough for them.
Puzzling.
If she took the lack of audience "like a champ," I guess she should have been proactive. Greenwich is not far from UES and yes, Martha is famous in those parts of CT.
I saw B show up with her faithful assistant (who just granted her own interview, after the Simon Facebook crap) to say she was only hired after responding to a Craigslist ad and doing her job by adding to B's Facebook and social networking pages as that's her job. Bethenny isn't Twittering you all...her assistant is!
Anyway, the assistant was kept so busy during the self indulgent photo shoot....why not draw people in and have B act like a human being? Even with the Rotisserie Chicken Woman, B decided that "telling it like it is" was more important than making a connection. It's kind of sad.
That ah-MAZING owl on Kelly's shirt seems to be saying, "Whooo..whooo...whoooo is Kelly Bensimon?" What a godawful motif for jewry...BOR-ING!
God, I am sick of people saying how young Ramoner's skin looks! She has been getting botox for 10 years!!! Her face hasn't effing moved since she was in her 30's!!! And she has a plastic surgeon and cosmetic dermatologist on retainer. I think her biggest problem is the bug eyes (botox?) and her horrible nose job. She looks like she is wearing the nose plugs I wore to take diving lessons when I was 10.
Scripted? I dont think this show is scripted at all. I think they are just a huge bunch of morons who just happen to be in the same social circle. The editing is probably not helping them either.
I'm a little late to the party, but:
The owl and other icons?? Besides jewry, that was the comment that stood out most for me the most. Since when are owls icons? And since when don't NY cab drivers run over anything in their way?
Jill's been my favorite (besides B.) but aside from her disdain for the Mercedes SUV, her comment about hoping that Bobby didn't think that got him off the hook for a bday gift. Jesus.
And when did Mario become such an incredible fuckwad? I'm with whoever said they cringe whenever he walks into the room. He needs to let the tennis thing go. Good God.
Still love B. but she's starting to get a little Don Rickles. I mean, does she ever let up?
And I still haven't seen NJ!
Thanks for the funny recap SGM. You're funnier when you're a bit peeved.
I think Andy should invite you to co-host the reunion show.
I am available, Ambassador. Btw, would you fill me on the details of textile ambassadorship? Do you have diplomatic immunity, say, if you punch your boyfriend?
Hello Gorgeous, B and the "vagina as a vase"--I was rolling my eyes a little. Don Rickles for sure! Thank you for expressing it so perfectly.
Kelly is being sued for her owl jewry--she allegedly stole the designs http://guestofaguest.com/nyc/kelly-bensimon-the-other-lawsuit-you-havent-heard-about/" REL="nofollow">from an underlingat Elle Accessories.
Thank you for asking SGM, I am happy to oblige. First of all, in order to be considered for one of the highly coveted textile ambassadorships, one must be rully rully fabulous to begin with, at least in their own minds. One must also be able to run a full length marathon while sucking on a big mean NYC cab tailpipe without passing out or intentionally getting run over. While there are many perks to a textile ambassadorship, the diplomatic immunity given to textile ambassadors for spousal or significant other beat-downs is one I hold most near and dear to my heart. For example, if one's significant other snorts the last line of coke without first asking you if you want it, or if they act in any way the textile ambassador deems "inappropriate," then they should have to pay with a good old fashioned ass-whoopin'. Last but not least, a textile ambassador should never allow any man to piggyback on the wonderful life she's created. That's why I never allow just any man to be photographed with me at a public event unless he has at least a $50 million dollar net worth. I've adjusted the amount to reflect the current recessionary times. I hope I've satisfied your curiosity.
I used to love Jill but the whole purse scene was appalling. And Kelly's kids are no better than Silex's kids so, yeah.
The scene in the grocery store: PAINFUL.
I was actually impressed with Ramona and did think Bethenny was a little out of line (although B is still my favorite!)
You are hilarious!!
Kelly is a 14-year-old girl. The short shorts, the going bra-less, the pillow fights, the frequent use of "awesome" and "ah-MAZE-ing," the stupid jewry ... everything. 14-year-old girl.