FREE PASS FIVE
Thursday, March 27, 2008 It's spring, my dears, and love is in the air! Well, not so much love, but wicked, nasty thoughts of fornication. Here is my Free Pass Five*, in no particular order.
--Darnell Jackson
I know, you've never heard of him and as a friend of mine recently said "could you be any more obscure?" I don't care, people. When I watch this video (he's the one dunking, watch the whole 16 seconds to get the full effect), I have to fan myself with both hands:
When he thumps his chest at the end ( :14), I yearn to know him in the biblical sense. Not only does he look like a delicious cup of hot chocolate, but he has the feel good story of the year. It would never work between us because he is a youngster (age 22), but Darnell, if you ever want to make tender love to a sexy cougar, PLEASE CALL ME.
--Vince Vaughn
Vince. You are a big tall man (some say might say fat too but I don't mind) and so I-can't-breathe funny, which makes you so gd sexy. Anytime, any place, Vince. Swear to God. Pop by my house on Christmas morning and my husband and kids will be hustled out the door in their jammies before you can say "let's get naked."
P.S. I love your voice--bring the dirty talk.
--Brandon Flowers, lead singer of The Killers
Brandon has this intense rocker-in-a-suit thing going on that just turns my white suburban ass on like nothing else. The video for Mr. Brightside and the song itself gets me every. single. time. He is Mormon, so I'd like to assure him right now that our activities will not involve alcohol, caffeine, or his wife.
--Ryan Reynolds
Every once in a while, I will question RR being on my free pass list because he seems a little too good-looking and tan. But then I'll watch one of his movies and I'll remember how hysterical he is. Gorgeous + funny + penis = SGM all over you.
If fate should ever find Ryan Reynolds and me in the same room, everyone best clear out because humping will ensue whether he likes it or not. (Susannah at Petunia Face, thank you for bringing the word humping back into my life)
--Goddamn you, John Mayer
I publicly rescinded your free pass and yet I find myself here, bringing you back on board because I know you would find me irresistable. You may stay based on these conditions:
- You must keep your hair short
- You must not use self-tanner
- Should you take me up on the free pass, you must
a) never bring up Jessica Simpson and/or her sexual stuff in front of me. For example, "Jessica liked it up the butt, what about you?" will get your free pass snatched away and torn into a thousand pieces. I don't think you'd ever do this but I just wanted you to know in advance that this would be unacceptable. While we're on the topic, though, back door sex is not part of the free pass package.
b) sing "Good Love is on the Way"
c) not sing "Your Body is a Wonderland" no matter how true it may be.
Believe it or not, I was not so disturbed by this:
. . . because I figure it greatly reduced the number of women who want to have sex with you, thereby increasing my chances.
All right! It's time to name your names, either in the comments or on your own blog. Let's hear it!
*For those of you who are new to this blog, "free pass" means a one time incident of unfaithfulness which is permitted, or maybe even high-fived, by a significant other. For people who are not in a relationship, a free pass list consists of names of famous people that the single person would totally do if presented with the opportunity.
Reader Comments (49)
Only 5? Can't I be an imaginary slut with like 20 guys?
John Krasinski and George Clooney (not together!) I'll be first in line for Leatherheads.
David Beckham. There will be no speaking allowed.
And to satisfy my teenage angst: John Taylor and Jon Farriss
OMG, you make me laugh until I pee my pants, SGM...and you know how true that is because you have been a witness!
Here are my 5, with no witty comments:
1. Matthew McConaughey (even tho you are about to be a father and I can NEVER spell your gd name!)
2. Rex Walters circa 1992-1993 (you know how much I want to lick his sweaty arms)
3. Cole Graham (yes, the one you know from home...his father is sooooooo sexy too, he might have to be #6)
4. John Corbett (yes, admittedly he is a newcomer and just added to my list due to the fact his band will be in my town an a few short days...yummy! I might have to pull a back stager with him in memory of you and Marky Mark!)
5.Brett Favre (I know, not really because of his looks, but I think he seems like such a nice guy, and he cried, yes cried when he retired because he loves football so much...he'd probably shed tears of joy when he finds out he has my free pass!)
SGM, my what great taste you have!!
Jamie Dornan (Marie Antoinette and Dior ads)
Chris Botti (met him w. Sting - too hot!)
Brandon Flowers (for the reasons SGM stated)
Marcello Mastroiani c. 1950
Rick Springfield & Matt Dillon (high school crushes)
I will arm wrestle you for John Mayer and I've been "lifting" sistah watch out!!
Me and you will "cougar fight" it out till the bitter end.
Winner takes all including the hilarious day-glo unitard that only reinforces [for me] his humor and not taking himself seriously.
Hahaha: "yearn to know him in the biblical sense."!!!
1. Eddie Vedder.
2. George Clooney.
3. Leo DiCaprio
4. John Legend
5. Reggie Bush
will compile my list asap.
and thanks. have a stinking cold, which means when i snorted at seven separate points in your post...it was not pretty.
i'll just do john krasinski 5 times. go to my blog and see why! yum!
You make me laugh SO freakin' hard, I had to hold it in sitting in my office. So, here goes:
1. Mark Wahlberg (yum.)
2. Vince Vaughn (circa Swingers, pre chubby days)
3. Perry (from Make me a Supermodel, he's sexy with a soft side)
4. Tom Selleck (don't ask, just go with me here)
5. Lenny Kravitz (but only laying down, I know he's on the short side)
Perry and John Mayer are in a close tie, but after the sling image, Perry won.
May all your free passes come true...
A
Ooh, Amber, you and I may have to duke it out for Mark Mark and Perry!
1.Mark Wahlberg
2.Patrick Dempsey - I love his voice!
3.Gordon Ramsay - I don't care what anyone says, that man is sexy, not handsome, but SEXY!
4. Perry from Make Me a Supermodel
5. David Beckham
I haven't given this much thought, so I may have to make some revisions. :)
Paloma - Gordon Ramsay is sexy! It's the confidence. Forgot about him!
This is so hilarious! Great picks, gals!
Absolutely Numero Uno: Vince Vaughn
2. Mark Ruffalo
3. Lenny Kravitz
4. Gael Garcia Bernal
5. Dave Grohl
I must also add JFK, Jr. Man, I loved the crap outta him. RIP John-John.
Thanks, SGM, this was fun!
Jennifer--of course you can be a free pass slut but it's more challenging to narrow it down. It requires some focus and thought, you know? I can just see you asking your s.o. for a 100th free pass for the cute bank teller!
Sucker, I think I BABYSAT Cole Graham. How old is he? John Corbett was a runner-up for my list, but he MUST cut his hair! It's so wispy when it gets long.
Murano--we need to do an 80s free pass list. I would also have Rick, Matt, AND Jon Bon Jovi, Jake Ryan and Rob Lowe. Plus, you need a blog. You kill me. I still laugh over the Chiner comment.
Richie, BRING IT! You're probably stronger than me but do you know all the words to Comfortable? DO YOU?!
Cashmere, Eddie Vedder! How's he holding up these days? I need to check that out b/c he was pretty cute back in the day. Also, very intrigued by the Reggie Bush appearance.
Karey M, Can't wait! I want to see some Middle Eastern dudes on there.
Paige, I've seen how you all are fighting for him all over blogland. If he's anything like Jim, I might join in.
Amber, I love you Mark Wahlberg freaks. I need to check out Perry. As a child of the 80s, I understand Tom S. I agree on Lenny too--sexy mofo. Didn't know he was short.
Paloma! Another Marky Mark fan. I like your Gordon pick. Shows depth. :)
Michelle, DAVE GROHL! Awesome. Need to check out Gael. Poor John-John.
Oh SGM - you pretty much already know mine. But I have a much longer extended version on my blog..."men to fuck before I die". Some real life people...some celebrities...all yummy.
I'm not with anyone though, so that's why mine is a men to fuck before I die list.
LOVE your blog. Read it everyday (esp after a Real Housewives) and never commented before, but couldn't pass up this opportunity. Here's my 5:
1. Clive Owen -- the manliest man alive.
2. Ditto Vince Vaughn, but since there's clearly too much competition for him, I will have to go with Jerry Seinfeld. Yes, Jerry Seinfeld. Hey, it's MY list.
3. Patrick Wilson -- beautiful. Watch Little Children, you'll know what I mean, and he sings too! He can sing "oh what a beautiful morning" to me the next morning. I will die happy.
4. Keanu Reeves - circa Speed and A Walk in the Clouds, and most of the time, but not scary skinny like in Little Buddha.
5. James Taylor -- circa the 70's of course. Read the latest Vanity Fair article on Carly Simon. He was dreamy, troubled, aloof, passionate, my kind of fantasy man.
Hilarious post. My husband and I were just arguing about this the other night. He has Juliette Binoche, so I get George Clooney. Course I'm not telling him I also get Daniel Day Lewis (the Last of the Mohicans DDL), Ben Affleck (when he shaves), Denzel Washington and James McAvoy. :-)
Ok, so here we go...
1. David Beckham - I agree no talky.
2. Jake Ryan - I have no idea what his real name is but who the hell cares.
3. Matthew Fox - Total fox!
4. Dylan McDermott - Haven't seen him in like years, but I watched The Practice to TV stalk him.
5. JT - Yes you Timberlake!
I would so fight you for Vince.
first time posting here - i had to seeing as we have some things in common:
1) ryan renolds (has been my #1 for-evah)
2) ryan gosling (that KISS in that movie)
3) john mayer (good lord, his voice)
4) vince vaughn (looks like he is very popular 'round here)
5) matthias (that stinky french guy on the hills last week. man, he ooozed of sex)
I heart Dave Grohl. The ultimate "understated" rockstar. God Bless him.
Great list my friend. Well done. The BB Player is hot. No, he's not the one I "dated" in college (well, that would be impossible since he's like 12).
xxoo
E
Lately? Nigel Barker from ANTM. The bald head and sexay accent make me swoon.
Oooh, Nigel Barker I heart you too! I think JT is out and Nigel is in.
1. Adam Levine (I know, he's a douchebag, but he's so friggin hot)
2. Christian Bale (how has he not gotten any love so far? He usually schools the other dudes on the free pass lists)
3. Apollo from Battlestar Galactica. Not Jamie Bamber, but specifically Apollo. Don't ask me why, or how this is going to be possible.
4 and 5 are guys I actually know in real life... god, how boring am !?
Women, what is the matter with all of you? Where is JOSH HOLLOWAY in all these lists? Works me - yesterday, today and tomorrow.
Secondly, SGM I have to ask you to seriously reconsider ur decision not to recap The Hills. I soooo think you should. Do it for Spencer.
Long time reader, first time commenter (oh, I crack myself up!)
We totally have the same taste, so I had to comment! Ok, here's mine:
1) John Mayer - I've actually met him twice, but didn't manage to get over my nervousness to get my hump on. Next time it's totally on! (also, I know all the words to Comfortable - do you know the words to In Your Atmosphere? I totes win!)
2) Vince Vaughn - I don't care how chubby he gets, I'd do him anyway.
3) Ryan Reynolds - Always gorgeous.
4) Ryan Goslig - There's just something that oozes manly sexuality out of that guy.
5) The guy who plays Henry on Ugly Betty. I LOVE those stupid rectangle emo glasses. They're my weakness.