This just in: "Alex compensates for insecurity by being pretentious"
Tuesday, March 25, 2008 Bethenny, thank you for voicing what viewers have known since the first episode aired. How is it that you're the only one on the show who's onto Alex and her extreme douchebaggery?
Before I begin the Real Housewives of New York City recap, I'd like to make a brief announcement to Lauren (Bethenny's friend from this episode) and Tamra Barney from the OC:
Will you please stop telling the camera about how much sex you have with your husbands? Because my husband actually believes you when you say have sex every day and that you're exhausting your husbands. He's holding it up to me as the standard and I don't appreciate it.Thank you. Now back to the recap.Ladies, if you're having sex every day, then you either a) have known your husband for less than 3 years and have no children and jobs or b) YOU'RE LYING.
1. Alex. I love to start out with you. I would pay money to see your face when you watch Jill tell the camera how low-rent you are for going to St. Bart's in August. Woo! Cut low.
I think you should teach a class called "How to be Really Fucking Annoying." Lessons would include
- speaking in a different language in order to show-off and exclude others
- giving your children asshole nicknames
-acting like you know everything about everything, including opera, singing, playing the violin and piano, speaking French, Italian, Latin and working at Victoria's Secret Beauty (did you all catch that? Priceless!).
-taking a tour of a private school for your three year old while still being really fucking annoying with your ass-kissing demeanor. Example:
2. Ramoner. First, congratulations on being names dlisted's hot slut of the week. It's a true honor, and I'm sure Mario brags about it to his buddies. Avery's probably not so proud, but eh, what does she know? She's just an uptight 12 year old. (Avery if you're reading this, I'm totally being sarcastic. I think you're adorable and more grown-up than your mom).
Ramoner, where did you find your friends? Oy. I know the word tranny is so overused in reality tv these days, but the one with the Cher hair c. 1976 was oh so tranny-like. I had a good chuckle when one of the sleazy divorced men at your table told her she looked promiscuous and she was (allegedly) offended.
Shall we talk about about your monster stage-mothering? The keen-eyed Mamacita emailed me with the brilliant observation that you look a smidge like Dina Lohan.
I think the similarities do not end there. Is there such a thing as preventative rehab? Because you should look into it for Avery.
3. The Countess. I don't care about the lice your children caught in Switzerland. Really, I don't. It happens, even to rich people with titles. No biggie. When you scootched closer to Alex at dinner, I hope you gave her those lice. Dear Countess, the fact that you wanted to spend time talking to Alex speaks volumes about you. VOLUMES.
FYI, you're too old to be going to watch bands and getting wasted downtown with your 23 year old niece. Oh, about your niece, I didn't really think anything of that low headbandish-thing she was wearing until my husband remarked "if she put a feather in it, she'd be Pocahontas." So true:
4. Rosanna, the Countess' housekeeper/nanny.
I love that she's doing air-quotes here AND wearing Lacoste. Is she slowly morphing into a Housewife?
I respect your straight talking advice and love for the Countess' spoiled white kids. You're pretty much most likable person on this show besides Avery, which makes me sad because methinks you are going to be fired tonight. Just a guess. You spoke the truth, sister, but La Comtesse probably won't stand for it. I suggest you move to Orange County and hook up with Vicki. Instead of expecting you to raise her children, she will give you a makeover and a job with dignity. Call her.
5. Bethenny. No one understands why you are on this show because you are not a housewife, but I am glad you are here all the same. Your pithy observations about the rest of the cast are headlights into the cold darkness of their souls. We feel your pain in being forced to socialize with these people:
About boyfriend Jason--where did I read that he was the one who talked you into being on this show? Because you'd never know it with his one word answers and his constant refrain of "let's discuss it later." By the way, Bethenny, this is code for "I'd rather not talk about this in front of a camera crew and millions of gd strangers." Clue in, girlfriend!
6. Jill. To be honest, I'm too tired to talk about you. I did enjoy your St. Bart's nastiness mentioned above, and it was enlightening to me to see that you envision yourself as a Connector in Alex and Simon's fantasy game world. Strangely, you are growing on me.
What do you think?
Reader Comments (28)
LOVE Jill and Bethenny. Bethenny needs to cool it on the drinking, though. And how does she plan to have this baby in the midst of all her "networking" and "brand-building?" I really want to tell her to go ahead and have a turkey-baster baby and wait for the right guy to come along later; but seriously -- who would take care of the baby?
Mamacita - Great observation about Ramona/Dina Lohan!
Last night's episode was great, and I couldn't wait for the recap.
Poor audrey, she is such a smart girl, and she knows what a loser her mom is.
How about the countess' children telling the nanny they wanted to hangout in delis...is that code for something else??? I don't get what that was about.
My other fav was of course Jill saying they were cheap for going to st. barts. I too would love to see the look on Alex's face when she sees that comment fly out of jill's mouth.
Bethenny was turning out to be my fav until she got wasted and annoyed me by trying to talk to her bf about moving in together while he obviously wasn't having the conversation. did she think by having the cameras there he would be more agreeing???
ramoner...words can not begin to describe.
Thanks SGM for the great recap! You are lucky your husband will watch this with you...My boyfriend leaves the room immediately. Oh well...We have tons of sex at least 6 times a day so it's ok. ;)
With regard to your open letter, I mean, seriously, who has that kind of time?
SGM, love your review! I was thinking that Ramoner reminds me more of Kathy Lee Gifford, but Dina Lohan works too. Also, what is going on with the makeup on her face, she really has the wrong color for her skin! And Alex, poor Alex, she needs to do something with her hair, it’s a complete mess, just straighten those straggly pieces in the front!!
Love your recap as usual! It always makes me laugh.
Jill is such a good sport -- she wants to connect people but for God's sake LET SIMON AND ALEX PAY FOR THE DINNER. Talk about tacky. Alex and Simon did not even seem to make a moved for that dinner check yet they wanted the private school tour and other connections Bobby and Jill can provide.
Alex tried to charm the countess with her Italian and I was ashamed that Luann was seduced! Alex's Italian is very poor and her accent is awful. My husband exclaimed, "What the hell was that?!" in his very thick right-off-the-boat Roman accent.
Another great recap, SGM. Of course, you're right about Bethenny. I mean, what would this show be without her "calling a spade a spade" comments?
LuAnn + Alex was a completely vomitous pairing. And what's with Alex's teeth? So creepy.
Good God--these women deserve each other. Thank you again SGM, for breaking it down.
Rosie, you looked adorable loading the dishwasher in your Tory Burch ballet flats. I hope you have a nice, fat retirement fund stashed somewhere.
Jill, you have been hanging out with the Countess too long when you start two-facing Alex to the cameras. I am all about low season travel rates, so I took personal offense to that jibe--even if the McCord-Van Kempens totally deserved it.
Thank you for reminding me why I read your blog. That was right on.
My favorite part--the picture of Rosie doing the air quotes. I was totally feeling all shitty until I saw that. Bless you.
Have you seen this?
[The Hills performed by senior citizens.]
http://www.celebitchy.com/10337/the_hills_performed_by_senior_citizen/
Damnit, I missed it last night. I got drunk and passed out on my couch. Thank God for your recap and my DVR!
spot on recap as usual. how about that little beatch (mini-contessa) speaking so patronizingly about her nanny (paid mom). i wanted to smack that little patrician face.
i'll give rosy and her fake nails and lacoste a job on the west coast....and my children will give her, her due respect. no makeover necessary.
Wonderful dissection of the show!I loved the part when someone referred to Alex as soooo"european"...LMAO...or maybe that was a coded comment about Alex's English-style teeth? & the Countess with that crap around her neck at the club? Guess she wants to be the Flava Flav of the UES.
Reading your recap and everyone's comments is the best part of my day! Thanks.
Also, why does the countess always call her husband The Count? Does he not have a name?
1. Stop saying, "the Count."
2. Jill seems fabulous after this episode, but her gay husband is annoying. Bethenny of course pointed that out for us.
3. I heart Rosanna.
4. I feel sorry for Avery.
Bravo on the recap. I can't wait for that bitch Ramona to watch herself the whole season...but then again, will she get it? Alex and Simon won't...
I would love to know how old Jill is. As you pointed out last week, she has beautiful skin, but has an air of maturity about her.
I would also like to know the real story with LuAnn (aka the Countess). We are all assuming that she was born to the manor, but I am guessing that she was not. LuAnn is not really a WASPy name, if you know what I mean. Yes, she is married to a count, and lives in an amazing Upper East Side brownstone, but I think the count may have married her for her looks, not her pedigree.
Here's a little background on Alexandre De Lesseps, aka The Count. I admire his philosophy.
http://www.forbes.com/global/2002/0527/074.html
Is it bad that I am actually starting to like Alex? Yes, she has bad hair and teeth and her husband could use some microdermabrasian and longer sideburns but she's the only one who doesn't talk s#$% about the other women behind their backs. I think that's admirable.
I think that Alex doesn't talk smack b/c she (self proclaims) is using them to rise to higher and higher social circles. She isn't in it to be friends, so she doesn't care what they do or say as long as they introduce her to more rich people.
to further add to the WASPification of Rosanna – she has a French manicure and I am fairly certain that she was wearing Tory Burch flats.
my favorite part was when the Countess asked Jill to move to she could talk to Alex. I am sure Jill is a little nervous about being squeezed out.
Ramoner's eyes are OUT OF CONTROL!!! she's a total butter face.
Bethenney is NEUROTIC and ANNOYING!! we get – you got no love from your parents! maybe you should go ahead and buy yourself some therapy before your boyfriend leaves your ass over your needy issues.
rosanna had tory turch flats on as well... very swanky.
Can't believe I missed the Tory Burch flats!
TTI--You're so right about LuAnn not being a waspy name. I need to check up on her.
Thanks for the info on the Count, Murano girl.
Every single time Alex talks, I want to PIMMAL (puke in my mouth a little).
get ready to laugh your fucking asses off.
http://www.luanndelesseps.com/bio.htm