"Shut your mouth. Oh, and THANK YOU JESUS!"
Wednesday, August 17, 2011 
The very best thing about On Display--besides the fact that it serves as the background music for my every thought--is that it's all about the downside of fame. How weary Melissa is of being photographed by the paparazzi, how unpleasing it is for her to constantly be in the spotlight. She can feel the weight of the world pushing down on her. I don't know what this is like, but I would imagine it's similar to the lung-popping sensation that Teresa feels when Joe Giudice climbs on top of her for some baby-making. Heavy doesn't even begin to describe it.
Yes, this episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was mainly about Ashley, but who wants to talk about her? Not me! Let's break it down:
1. Photoshoot for the new cookbook at Teresa's house! It is not fabulicious AT ALL. Melania's head is spinning around, spewing marinara sauce while she screams her little head off. Gia just plain does not want any part of this bullshit.
Who can blame her? The general impossibility of getting four children to look happy at the same time and the particular impossibility of the demonically possessed Melania is making everyone grumpy, especially the photographers, who are not used to being trapped in the echoing chamber of horror and migraines that is the Giudice house.
After God knows how many hours and vats of holy water, it finally gets done. See the end result here.
2. Christopher Manzo has a new bartending job. As you know, Christopher is just a regular guy with a regular job who just happens to have a television crew with him at all times. If you were to walk into that bar right now, I am certain you would see him wiping down counters and refilling the maraschino cherries. So Albie, Lauren, underaged Ashley and her parents are there to say hi. Little does Ashley know, her real father Matt is also going to show up, having flown in from Texas to participate in an intervention of sorts.
But not before some shots!
"CHEERS to Ashley sobering up and getting her act together!"
YES! Matt suprises Ashley by sliding into the barstool next to her. Not sure what else happened in this scene because I was too preoccupied with Matt's gigantic scary scar running across the back of his bald head. What happened there?
"Like, OMG! I can't beleive you're here! Can I have some money?"
3. Kathy and Rich have a conversation in their 16 year old daughter's 1989-themed bedroom (watermelon Hubba Bubba walls, a framed cowboy hat Glamour Shot, and maybe a daisy-wheel printer in the background).
They are discussing whether Kathy should have a "talk" with Victoria because she is getting older and ???? Basically, we have no idea what they are referring to. Is it even possible they think she doesn't know about sex? Whatever the "talk" is about, Kathy is in favor of it and Rich is against it.
"Wait, I'm talking about the advantages of acid-washed jeans over stonewashed. What are you talking about?"
Later, Kathy takes Victoria shopping for a dress for her junior prom and Victoria falls in love with this va-va-voom dress, thus prompting the beginning of The Talk. I didn't really get a chance to hear what it was about because as soon as Victoria admitted that she was going to be on a party bus with no parent chaperones, my husband tried to force me into high five which I REFUSED. A short fight ensued.
4. More daughter issues, this time with Lauren Manzo. Caroline is in her closet, cleaning out her too-big clothes. Lauren starts talking about how she wants so much to lose weight, but even if she did, she still wouldn't feel attractive. Caroline starts to tear up a little, and GOD. It is time for a serious life-coaching session courtesy of yours truly.
Lauren, I'm talking to you directly here. All while you were growing up, your mom was on a diet. Am I right? Any talk of food involved denial of hunger, of being "good" and being "bad." Her closet had sizes ranging from 2 to 14, and she was always lamenting her appearance, always wishing she could lose just a few more pounds. There was never talk of being healthy, it was always about being skinny. It screwed you up in the head, girl. I'm here to tell you that you need to forget all that. You are beautiful, and I bet that everyone who knows you thinks you are too. I'm sure your boyfriend thinks you are smokin, and you need to get on board with that. You're what, 22? 23? You have so many years of hot luscious youth left. Get counseling or do something that will help your brain get on track. Don't waste these years with self-hatred.
Oaky, it's over. Maybe I should get my own radio show! (Just kidding, and Lauren, don't let that bad joke detract from my message).
There's also a Manzo gym scene.
I can't wait for the workout DVD!
5. Melissa's house. She's talking to her sisters about Teresa's less than enthusiastic reaction to Melissa's singing career. She does an admirable, if not wholly accurate, Teresa impersonation. High scores for capturing the spirit of sneering disdain.
After this, the sisters are like, "um, what else? Huh. I think we're going to paint the laundry room. Oh, and we went to a psychic and talked to dad who said you are going to be super-duper famous!!!!!"
"He also said that our hair really ages us."
Even though Melissa doesn't believe in psychics, she bawls. Probably because she realizes that the weight of the world now includes dead people.
The she does her singing with Soul Diggazzzzz and Joe, darling little pocket-sized Joe. He's watching her, bursting with pride at the musical career he has bought for his wife. To be fair, when Melissa told him to shut his mouth, it was light-hearted and deserved. Also, I do enjoy her exuberant outbursts of gratitude to Jesus.
6. Now to Ashley, the oversized earthworm who wears fedoras and thinks she is entitled to a parent-sponsored life in LA. I think that everyone in this family, especially her, will look back on these Ashley episodes with regret and embarrassment. At least we can hope.
"I'm done. DONE. Consider your vodka and dope allowance cut in half!"
I think it's safe to say that the intervention was wholly unsuccessful.
Also: Have you read Jackie's latest opinion of Teresa on her blog? An startling defection from Team Fabulous. Start on page 8. (Thanks, Mary.)
Reader Comments (11)
I'm tired of crap between Melissa vs Teresa I am really tired of the Gorgas and their need for fame, it makes me not want to watch
RHNJ ....plus their baby is always laying on the floor, and that is wrong, get him a seat!! as for Ashley what made her like that? I really expected her to whip out her cell phone and start texting during the intervention.
I just read Jacquelline's blog...wow! Nice work mama.
Great recap! Especially the Ashley part! Speaking of Ashley isn't her Father HOT! I adore Chris with those amazing eyes but Matt is SMOKING HOT! I LOVE the twang and the bald head! I have a thing for them, my bf is a baldy! LOVE IT!! What about his wife!?! Holy crap is she beautiful!
If all that stuff about Teresa is true in Jacqueline's blog, then it's about time she's on blast! (You're welcome SGM!)
Matt IS hot. I don't know about that scar, but isn't Jac always making references to him being 'sick'?
I really enjoy Melissa's imitation of Theresa. And now whenever I have to say 'no', I hear her in my head, saying it like Theresa. I have a three-week-old motorboating me nonstop and fear I'm losing it.
I think Ashley legit needs a parental beatdown. And Chris's lighthearted joking about it is the only way he holds himself back.
Melissa howling over something a psychic said when she doesn't believe in them was weeeeird. You can proclaim to shun the occult all you want, Jesus still heard that Display, On Display.
If this baby ever leaves me alone, I'm all over Jac's blog. Just set her on the doormat, right?
My favorite part is at the end of the screed when it says "the cross necklace I was wearing in my emotional breakdown scene was from www.Thecraftbytia.com."
too funny.
I should start posting shit like that on FB. "For those of you that saw me lose my shit in the line at Dillons last night? I was rocking a fabulous pair of earrings from..."
if we have to suffer through Ashley being awful, we deserve to know where Matt's scar came from. it is only fair.
also i feel pretty comfortable in assuming that Ashley just kinda of always smells bad.
the Gorga's need to GET SERIOUS. they make the ache in my heart caused by Dina leaving hurt worse.
Perfect description of that piece of crap Ashley. Totally useless. Expecting an episode on abortion or
STD anytime now.
"What's Crawling In Ashley's Crotch?" Perfect.
We need a Manzos/Lauritas vs. Giudices war.
All of my attention during this episode was focused on Ashley's daddy...sorry
I am not positive, but I think Ashley's dad's scar is from 'scalp reduction' surgery, or a hair transplant surgery.
It was a big surgery in the 1990's and leaves big scars. Some scars go ear to ear on the back of the head, others are like a center part down the back. It's to cut out the balding part of the scalp and seam it back together. Problem is, if you still go bald, you end up seeing the scar. And most people who go bald, go bald.
Again, not sure it's that, but my friend who is a doctor said he thought that's what it looked like.
Look at this site, showing someone w/ the same scar, and bad plugs, got surgery to correct both. Click on that, you'll see one, and if you want to see some other ones, google 'hair transplant scar' and click google images. They look just like Ashley's dads!
http://www.baldingblog.com/2011/08/10/repair-old-plug-removal-smp-into-hair-transplant-scar/