"I think that at a certain age, you have to wear a brawr."
Saturday, March 28, 2009 How much do we love Jill? OH. SO. MUCH.
So, Kelly. Yes, you need to wear a brawr, especially in light of the fact that your tits are at eye level for most people. No one* needs to be greeted with your headlights shining in their eyes. I'm sure the Countess would be more than willing to instruct you on the subject and take you brawr shopping. Doesn't that sound fun? I'll set it up--you can thank me later.
In this week's episode of The Real Housewives of NYC, we see the real Kelly Bensimon--not the hotpants-wearing shy Kelly, but the hotpants-wearing goddamn RUDE Kelly. Batter up, bitches!
1. Kelly is grumpily going through her stacks of Fashion Week invites with her assistant. Oh, the stress of being invited to so many glamorous parties! In the words of Justin Timberlake, CRY ME A RIVER.
(Is anyone else compelled to sing Fergie's song when spelling "glamorous"?)
(If you want to see more of Kelly's home without her big head in the way, go HERE.)
2. Designer Zang Toi is throwing a private show for Jill and her friends, and Jill visits his studio to choose an outfit for the big day. I adore Jill, but her accent in this scene about made my head split open. Or maybe I was just resentful that she says she is a natural 32G and can fit into a model-size zero gown.
What the hell? 1) that's just not fair and 2) I don't believe it. I know you're tiny, Jill, but a model size zero gown cannot accommodate 32Gs without some seams bursting. (Good Lord, I didn't even know it was possible to be 32 and a G cup without plastic surgery.)
Lots more happens in this scene, but I'm eager to get the the Kelly business, so I'll just cut to the chase and say that Zang plays the stereotypical Flamboyant Gay Asian and Jill plays the stereotypical Jewish Society Woman. It's funny, and exactly how you would imagine it.
Oh, one more thing. When Jill spots this gorgeous show-stopping necklace at Zang's, she says "I could have walked out naked in it! Well, I wouldn't have--I'm not Alex." ZING.
3. Fashion label Christopher Dean has invited Alex to its fashion show and she and Simon visit the store to pick out a dress. Alex says, "people who don't live in New York City might not know that there are thriving, cutting edge designers who choose to base themselves out of Brooklyn." Yes, and people who say condescending shit like that may not know that people who live outside of New York City are not idiots.
Alex actually looks great in everything she tries on--beautiful clothes. Simon, on the other hand, is his usual icky self. Not only does he say the word "breasts" but he demonstrates what he's talking about.
Honey, Alex may enjoy that, but we don't. I'm beginning to shrink away from you when you appear on the screen.
4. A friend of Jill's is going to be hosting a charity event for juvenile arthritis. Jill's daughter Ally has arthritis, and Ramona's daughter Avery has it too. (What's with the Upper East Side teens and their arthritis? Is Celebrex a new street drug or something?) Bethenny, Ramoner and Jill attend an organizational meeting for the event. Bethenny takes charge by offering to bartend the event and supply everything for Skinny Girl Margs. There's a little scuffle about ticket prices, but not a big deal. Believe me when I say that the next planning meeting is MUCH more interesting.
5. Fashion Week! Kelly invites the Housewives to attend Russell Simmon's show because he's a "rully good friend" of hers (I guess we should get used to this--seems like she's "rully good friends" with every celebrity on the earth). In the lobby, the Countess and Ramoner have an awkward kiss-kiss and it's obvious the Countess is still pissed about their fight two episodes ago. Side note: the Countess brings her 11 year old son to the show. Is that weird? I think it's weird.
Ramoner and Kelly are sitting next to each other in the front row when Alex and Simon walk in. Ramoner greets Alex somewhat warmly and then completely ignores Simon--who, to my horror, wants to have a heart-to-heart right then and there. So picture Ramoner sitting down, avoiding all eye contact, while Simon hovers over her (and probably drips sweat on her) while demanding answers. It's a totally bizarre confrontation that only Ramoner and Simon could have. For example, Simon tells Ramoner that she wants to "blank him all the time," and Ramoner says "I want to WHAT?" and Simon repeats. Ramoner answers (with what I think is sarcasm),
I am all "WHAT? Is this about SEX? Is that what they are saying?" I finally realize that Simon is telling Ramoner that she wants to shut him out, but I don't really think that even Ramoner understood this until later. I think she thinks they're talking about sex. Anyhow. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. Ridiculous. Watch the clip here if you need an extra dose of stupidity today.
I actually have to give points to Simon for going back to his seat next to Alex and not saying "God, Ramoner is such a fucking psycho!" He just starts talking pleasantly about how he likes their seats.
6. The Countess and Kelly are shopping at Malo because they are both going to the Malo show. DIVINE clothes. Look at this wrap dress!
... and look at Kelly's "shorts." Jesus H. Christ. Not only does Kelly not wear a brawr, but she wears her gd underwear as SHORTS.
Kelly doesn't want to try on clothes. The Countess says that it's because Kelly's shy--she just needs to be coaxed out of her shell. Cut to Kelly who says it's because she was a MODEL and trying on expensive designer clothes is just a big effing YAWNER. She finally puts on a few things and ends up selecting the dress the Countess is wearing above. Before they leave, the Countess mentions that Jill wants Kelly to come to the next arthritis charity meeting.
7. Kelly and the Countess are at the Malo show, front row. They talk about Simon confronting Ramoner. "There's a backstory there that I don't know," Kelly says. OH, REALLY? Kelly, are you trying to tell us that you joined this reality show without having watched the Ramoner-Simon episode? You didn't watch the reunion, or get the highlights from anyone? I call BULLSHIT.
The Countess obliges and explains how Ramoner went NUTS on Simon when Alex brought him along for a girls' night at Jill's last year.
The Countess brings up Jill's charity meeting again, and Kelly says, "Yeah, I'm not happy about that. I don't even have time to support my own charities." Hmmm, okay. The Countess, for once in her life, actually asks a pertinent question: "what are your charities?"
"Oh," Kelly responds. "I don't do charities." (see her backpedal like cra-zy on her Bravo blog.) I was waiting for her to continue with "I am actually rully busy thinking about horses and all of my rully rully famous friends."
The Countess tells the camera that Kelly's complete lack of interest in charity work is "surprising," which is UES code for "evil."
Kelly goes on to say that charities use her name to promote their events and she doesn't like being used that way. "I'm a very private person," she insists. Hahahahaha! You're very PRIVATE, yet you're on a REALITY SHOW. Oh, good one, Kel. It's nice to see someone besides the Countess being totally hypocritical.
(Do you hate her yet?)
Where was I, Countess? Oh yeah--screw those pediatric AIDS patients. They're just using me! The Countess, sensing an opportunity to be authoritative, tries to explain to Kelly why charity work is important: "I like to give back to the homeless." Yes, because the homeless have done so much for you? What?
8. It's time for Jill's private Zang Toi fashion show! Did you know that Brad is also a make-up artist? He is! He's doing Jill's make-up and Jill admits that she hasn't eaten anything all day in order to fit into her dress and passed out on the street. "Get me a Diet Coke!" she shrills. Then she talks how she grew up in a family obsessed with weight, and that she's probably (you think?) passed it on to Ally. She and her sister talk about how they would pour water on their food (and still do) in order to stop eating. See? The 32G in a size zero body does not come without a price--pouring water on french fries should be punishable by death.
Bethenny arrives at the party. Does her Jill imitation (here's some new footage that you must watch, btw. OMG, it KILLS me when she screams for Bobby to bring her "pocketbook"). Talks about how Jill lives for this shit (fancy exclusive parties), and it's "her moment." The fashion show goes off without a hitch, Jill plugs Zarin Fabrics, and it's a wrap.
9. Kelly talks about her career as a writer for Page Six Magazine. Does she even write anymore? I can't find anything remotely recent from her. Anyhow, we see her interviewing fashion designer Jill Stuart and barely taking any notes. She talks about how she knows all of these rully rully famous people on like, a deeper level, and like, they trust her to like, not like, write anything bad about them. Whatever, Scoop. [insert me rolling my eyes]
10. Bethenny and Jill meet for lunch at Le Cirque and some major juicy shit-talking about Kelly commences. The famous brawr comment is made, and Bethenny explains why she hates Kelly so much--Kelly hit on Bethenny's then-boyfriend and ignored Bethenny because she was "a nobody." Best part is when B says that she read an article about Kelly being in a shark tank, and B quips, "you have not spent an hour with me."
11. Then the Bethenny - Kelly fashion show tension. EEK!
12. Bravo saves the very best part for last. It's the second meeting for Jill's arthritis charity event. Bethenny is there as well as the Countess and Ally.
Kelly saunters in a half hour late, her chi chis hanging loose, without a word of apology. She tells the camera that she's chronically late, and it's just that she's so busy. More busy than anyone in that room, apparently! In the world!
Everything is repeated for the sake of Kelly. Then Jill introduces Ally to Kelly and says, "Allyson has arthritis." NOW GET THIS--Kelly responds with, "oh, I didn't know that. That's cute." Confused looks are exchanged. OMFG. Is she drunk?
Jill goes onto say that Kelly, as well as the other Housewives, will be honorary co-chairs. Translation: no work, just glory. Kelly's all "wait. I don't lend my name to anything. I just really don't have the time." Bethenny is rolling her eyes, and you can tells she's not going to let this go. When she finally speaks, she says sharply, "evidently [Kelly's] Madonna." Kelly gets defensive, saying, "I just don't have the time and I don't know what this is about. Ally's an awesome adorable awesome little cute awesome girl, but I don't like my name on things because I'M SO FUCKING PRIVATE sitting here with my hooters hanging out." (I'm paraphrasing). Bethenny lays into her, saying, "usually people come from a place of 'yes' when helping with charities, but you're coming from place of 'no.' That's FINE." Ooooooh! She adds that if you come to a meeting, you do so with the intention of helping, and if you don't want to help, then talk to Jill privately afterward. Snarls and more words are exchanged. Uncomfortable, yet VERY EXCITING.
The End.
Ladies and Gentlemen, IT'S ON! I am counting the minutes until next week's episode, when Bethenny and Kelly have it OUT. You'd better believe we will rehash it all right here.
*Frank takes exception to this comment. He thinks that all straight men like, and indeed prefer, to be greeted this way. I stand corrected.
Reader Comments (21)
I would like to set the record straight. First of all, I'm a natural 30H so being a natural 32G is definitely possible. But second, and most importantly, there is NO WAY she is fitting 32Gs into a size 0. I have to size UP because of my boobs, into a size 8 or 10. So she's a big sack of bullshit right there. I know this comes as a huge shock because most of the time the housewives are only full of integrity ;-)
Jill was actually going on and on about not having eaten at all that day, saying, "I need some sugah! Somebody get me a diet coke!" Um, Jill, you do realize that there is no sugar in diet coke, right?
P.S. Guess who's celebrating Earth Hour right now. Not me, bitches!
I can not wait for this next episode. It will be the culmination of all of the drama I have desperately been waiting for. I am also hoping for some verbal bitch slapping coming from Miss B.
I just about went into convulsions (with my head spinning round and round) over the "That's cute" comment regarding the arthritis. Holy freaking jesus ohmygod christ! Even if she was talking about the fundraiser FOR the arthritis (and not the arthritis itself) it was still an extremely trite and inappropriate remark...especially with Jill's daughter sitting right there.
I was super jealous over the MALO experience, though. OMG, so jealous. *cries*
She didn't realize that she and Bethany weren't friends until Bethany made it painfully obvious at the fashion show. Then she has the balls (quite possible) to have a meeting to let Bethany know they aren't friends, which she has already made perfectly clear.
Hey dumb ass...Bethany hates you, don't try and back peddle your way out of it, while wearing preppy and proud pink wellies.
I could really concentrate on the Jill Stuart interview because I was so taken aback by that dress/shirt/nightgown that Kelly was wearing and those damn gladiator sandals. Nothing says professional writer like wearing your nightgown and having your ass hang out of it. I've said it before byt God I hope Bethenny smashes her and then spits on her.
I have to point out one positive thing about the countess- She looks great all the time-except when she wears the Hamptons head scarf- she's the only one who consistently has great hair and make up as well.
I don't know what's going on with Kelly's weird, streaky, face tan in all the to camera comments....
SGM, Have you seen this article from Entertainment Weekly?
http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20268054,00.html
Maybe I am the last to know, but I had no idea that Ramoner is 52!
One the one hand, that makes some of her sartorial choices seem even more embarassing, but on the other hand I would not have guessed that she was the oldest* of the RHONY.
* or admits to being the oldest - I am not sure I buy that our beloved Jill Zarin is only 45.
what a great episode and a fabulous recap from you, sgm! kelly and her bullshit did not make a lick of sense. give me a fucking break. i want to be friends with b. homegirl keeps it real. next week is going to be AWESOOOMMMEEEE! squee!
I don't know, but I don't hate Kelly. I think she is typical of the New York Social types. I am sorry but even last season I thought Bethanny played the victim role too much. I love her snark and her comments are dead on. Her and Kelly the same, Bethanny name drops as well, and is attention-loving as the rest, I don't know why she trys to act like she isn't. I surely remember her from the Apprentice.
RAMONA IS 52?!
Holy shit. And Luann is almost 10 years younger than she is. I never would have guessed in a million years.
Love it! This episode pushed me over the edge, I left a nasty comment on Kelly's blog haha. She is out of control.
I probably wouldn't have the guts to post if it weren't for Anon@9:31AM, who apparently also isn't enamored with all that is Bethenny Frankel. As a NYC girl, I find Kelly to be pretty standard fare. Trust me when I tell you I read every NY tabloid that covered her arrest for the beat down she gave her boy-toy, but I don't dislike her in general.
I think the charity meeting was a farce. Am I the *only* one who sees this as Jill Zarin's fault? Kelly learns of the charity, second hand, from LuAnn. She mentions her apprehension to LuAnn, who (I guess) fails to tell Jill. Shouldn't Jill have hammered out these details with Kelly BEFORE the mock-up of the invite?
Yes, Kelly shows up late to the meeting, but in Alex's blog, she was even later than Kelly and Ramona clearly wasn't there.
As for Bethenny...? Why are we just learning about this big slight of Kelly hitting on her ex boyfriend two years ago? Remember episode one, when B and Jill are in the Hamptons and Jill grills Bethenny for *any* info on Kelly? This whole bad blood never was mentioned.
In all honesty, Kelly was a model and Bethenny's ex is a photographer. I'd imagine Kelly would go out of her way to talk to him and yes, even be flirtatious, but in my mind, I believe Kelly would assign no importance to it and I doubt she remembers the event, or even that it involved Bethenny.
The charity-showdown was just a foil for Bethenny to passive-aggressively take shots at Kelly. She should confront the issue from the past or let it go.
I also kind of object to Bethenny repeating (twice) how Kelly is really, really obsessed with being famous because as Anon9:31 points out, this *is* Bethenny's SECOND reality show and for all her dogging on Kelly for her not being a fashionista, Bethenny certainly attended enough fashion shows during fashion week (not just the two we saw her at, she mentioned 3 or 4 others to Kelly when they were at the Jill Stuart show).
I can't wait for this week's showdown where I might completely change my mind on these two.
Last night I caught the end of Bethanny's and Alex's appearance on "Huckabee"...they seemed very cordial...and the idea crossed my mind that these women are probably all friends and "laughing all the way to the bank" at our getting so worked up about all their contrived drama!
Just a thought!
i cannot stand kelly - i'm DYING to see what plays out on tuesday!!!
I am not even watching anymore- I'm coming here!
Seriously, excellent recap and analysis.
By the way, I am almost positive Jill IS 45 as she graduated with a friend who is that, (or 46)
As for Ramona, she does look good- but her eyes are pulled way too much...
I think it is adorbs that Noel went to the Rusell Simmons show with the Countess (considering it was for urban menswear). He needs to look fly for his next UES breakdance session with Cyclone.
Ally's an awesome adorable awesome little cute awesome girl, but I don't like my name on things because I'M SO FUCKING PRIVATE sitting here with my hooters hanging out." (I'm paraphrasing)
You're the queen, SGM! I mean, I'm like rully in, like, I mean, like, stitches. Yer, like, rully awesome and cute, I mean like!
1. Kelly was "Tardy to the Party" for the children's arthritis charity meeting. Bethenny insults Madonna.
2. "Alls" Kelly had to say was, "I am not completely comfortable with putting my name on this event as I have had to turn down other friends in the past and their charities due to a lack of time/commitment so to be fair, I would be glad to help out but would prefer to not be named as a co-chair. I hope you understand". How difficult would that have been?
3. Kelly, I can try to fit you into my rully rully busy PR schedule so have your horse statue call my horse statue and let's try to work something out.
Who, WHO would want to hurt Vicki? Paint me shocked.
http://www.dlisted.com/node/31374
The New York Post a]stopped publishing Page Six Magazine about two months ago. It wasn't making $. So Kelly lost her job!
Also, her Jill Stuart interview was a joke. Um, really fascinating questions, Kelly. Even Jill thought you were retarded! Good one.