Cease and Desist

It has already been established that Rachael Ray is everywhere, but now she's crossed the line. She's on my On Demand cable menu at unpredictable times (yet all of the time), and I find this highly intrusive. So I've been researching my legal options, and let's just say she'd better lawyer-up for SGM v. Rachael Ray.

I am quite confident of my victory as the Supreme Court has already dealt with this issue definitively:

. . . the broadcast media have established a uniquely pervasive presence in the lives of all Americans. Patently offensive, indecent material [including unusually annoying voices, stupid jargon and ill-fitting shirts] presented over the airwaves confronts the citizen, not only in public, but also in the privacy of the home, where the individual's right to be left alone plainly outweighs the First Amendment rights of an intruder. Rowan v. Post Office Dept., 397 U.S. 728. Because the broadcast audience is constantly tuning in and out, prior warnings cannot completely protect the listener or viewer from unexpected program content. To say that one may avoid further offense by turning off the radio [or tv] when he hears [or sees Rachael Ray] . . . is like saying that the remedy for an assault is to run away after the first blow. One may hang up on an indecent phone call, but that option does not give the caller a constitutional immunity or avoid a harm that has already taken place.

FCC v. Pacifica Foundation, 438 U.S. 736 (1978), the bold and the brackets are mine but really, it's only a matter of time before the Supreme Court adopts my words as its own.

You have struck the first blow, RR and I am not running away, oh no. I would rather bury my face in Britney's dirty laundry than hear your voice or see your flailing arms in my home (and that's really saying something). It's ON, Mrs. Asshat. Have your fancy legal team call me. I'll be waiting.

Catharsis

My dear benefactress Decorno recently wrote a post on gift-wrapping/gift giving and how she loves to give gifts that she herself would like to get. Right on, sister; anyone can give a Starbuck's gift card. Anyhow, the comments for this post were also entertaining and enlightening, Mamacita's in particular. She wrote about these red pants(!) that that her aunt wants for Christmas and how she forced herself to buy them, but that she couldn't talk about it on her blog because her uncle reads it (hope your uncle doesn't read this blog, Mamacita). She provided a link to said pants, and they do not look at all like the ones pictured above. I'm glad she was able to get it out via Decorno's comments section because I thought it was really funny and I am a happier person for having read it.

This time of year, we are often forced to be around wacko relatives/co-workers and alcohol, and excellent stories result. I myself love a juicy "my mother-in-law is a psycho!" story, or even a simple "my sister-in-law had better not bring that hateful jello salad to dinner this year." So, if you have some good stories to tell or mild complaining to do but are unable to do it on your own blog, you just write me at scentedglossymagazines@gmail.com and I will post it here, and you can remain anonymous or not. Let's just get it out (Jennifer Aniston, this includes you. I saw on some tabloid cover that you were spending the holidays with Brad's parents--I'm sure that's totally true, and I would love to get the dirt on that man-stealer Angelina).

photo from luckymag.com

Too bad

I saw these little customizable soap dishes by Paloma's Nest on Another Shade of Grey and have been thinking about them for days:

The possibilities! And only for $10.50! I've been thinking of all of the funny little inside jokes I could put on them for some close friends and really, I've been cracking myself up. I went online to order some tonight and much to my chagrin, they are SOLD OUT. It's probably for the best because I was planning to send them to my favorite celebs as well, and that could have been expensive. Oh well. Maybe for Valentine's Day. Here is a list of my potential recipients and the message:

Amy Winehouse: Good for you! (because she's not looking so fresh these days, and I'd like to encourage her occasional use of the soap)

Jessica Simpson: Don't wash your face with soap or else your face will get dry and wrinkly and then you'll never find a man (hope all of that fits) OR Why'd you break up with Nick Lachey, dumbass?

Rachael Ray : Property of Mrs. Asshat

Paris Hilton: (something along the lines of "all of the soap in the world wouldn't clean your skanky ass" but I'd need to work on the wording a bit more. There's also a "don't drop the soap" joke that I could use but that would be too obvious)

Lindsay Lohan: Don't snort the soap

Ryan Reynolds: Marry me (Romantic, no? And maybe he'd send a dish back that said "yes!" Mmmmm. But then I'd have to send a dish back that said "psyche!" because I am already married. I am also considering sending an "I love you" dish to Vince Vaughn if he loses a little weight and stops looking so ashen.)

Heidi Montag: Wash up, you don't know where Spencer's been OR You will never feel clean again after betraying your best friend

To whom would you send a customizable soap dish?

Just had to add Brilliant Asylum's contribution in the comments section because I'm still smiling about it:

Dave Grohl: Never use this. I like you dirty.

Details

1. Why does Michael Jackson have to be such a straight-up perv? I want to buy She's Out of My Life, Rock with You and Don't Stop Til you Get Enough in the worst way because they are some of the best songs in the history of the world, but I cannot give money in good conscience to MJ. Did anyone else have this poster in her room in the mid-80s?:

Tragic, the whole thing. Not on the scale of Darfur or AIDS, but still.

2. Great December/January 2007 issue for Domino (or is it domino?)! Enjoyed it very much. But am I the only one who would not enjoy chomping on a leafy celery stalk at a fancy cocktail party (p. 76)? Add hot wings and I'm there with bells (and sweats) on, but celery and dip alone? I just don't see it. Also, the throw on p. 44 is not available. Why, Domino?

3. I hope this whole "Britney is pregnant" story really is false, not only for the obvious reason that this little lady doesn't need another youngin', but because it would be a spectacularly awesome joke on In Touch, who has already spent two covers insisting that it's true. Bravo, girl! I think this should be Britney's new PR strategy: have friends/employees/"reliable sources" make up a bunch of shit that isn't true, vaguely confirm it, wait for the tabloids to come out and then prove it to be ridiculously false. Revenge, Brit! Yours for the taking.

Customer Service Awards

Where I shop is greatly determined by customer service, but you already know that because I bet you're the same way. If the vaccuum is running at 8:30 pm on a weeknight and all of the sales associates are gossiping in the back, I'm not going to buy there (unless the goods are super-cute and there is a massive sale). Unfortunately, great service is hard to find, especially at the retail giants, so here are two stories to hearten your soul during these frenzied shopping days.

About a year ago I was searching for a casual coat of the short black puffy variety. I ended up ordering this one from Lands' End, hoping for the best but knowing that it would be too boxy and matronly on me and that I would end up returning it. After I received the coat and verified its boxy-ness and matronly-ness, I immediately put it back in its box and placed it in my closet, where it lived for a little over 11 months (in the meantime, I ordered this from Bluefly, toasty and slim-fitting).

This weekend, I finally decided to get rid of it via donation. But then I saw the packing slip that said that I could return at any time. Oh really? I called to see if they meant it. I dialed the number and popped some food in my big mouth because I knew that I would have at least 3 minutes of automation. But then a human answered right off the bat! After a near-choking incident, I asked her if I could return after 11 months. She said "no problem." Really! I returned it to Sears as she instructed and all my money came back. Bravo to you, Lands' End, for accommodating lazy but well-meaning returners.

The second award goes to Nordstrom. This happened a year ago, but it is the pinnacle of customer service in my book, so I must mention it here. I went in searching for black peep-toe pumps. The sales guy, who was fabulously gay and a shopping girl's dream, really knew his stuff. He showed me all of the black pumps, and I was kind of lukewarm on them, and that's when he read my mind and showed me what I really came to buy: red patent pumps. Before I committed to anything, he asked me how I liked the Frye boots that I was wearing. "Love them," I said. Because I do! I would have never tried them on because they look so masculine, but my friend Charlene convinced me and once they were on my feet. . . they are so undeniably cool. I digress. Anyhow, my fancypants shoe guy told me that they were "not wearing well" for just being a year old and that we should "change them out." Apparently the salt that melts snow can also discolor boots? And then he ran back and fetched me a brand new pair of boots, gratis. That's right. I bought the pumps, which incidentally weren't even that expensive (picture these in a deep ruby red):

and I still love them and wear them to this day. But that's not all--the sales guy calls 2 days later, to see how they were working out for me.

There is a bit of a sad ending in that I have not seen or heard from that shoe guy since. Was it all a dream? Sometimes I think he was fired for giving me the new pair of expensivo boots. Other times I think he moved on to Neiman's. The bottom line, however, is that the shopping experience was excellent even without the free boots because the guy knew shoes and acted like he gave a crap about me, his customer.

Good work Lands' End and Nordstrom; I am your customer for life.