Entering the kingdom of Jesus
Wednesday, May 18, 2011 
...through violence and unchecked rage! Is there any other way? Nothing says LET ME INTO HEAVEN NOW like trying to drunkenly beat your brother-in-law to death at your baby's baptism.
Oh boy.
I wasn't going to watch this season of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Didn't dvr it. Didn't even remember it. I don't like this group. Not even Caroline Manzo. You heard me. Not interested. Then I came back from the grocery store (with three kinds of ice cream--HOLLA) to find my Housewives-averse husband watching it. I know. I can't explain it. Sometimes that's just how the universe works. Anyhow, the Lizzie Grubman scene was on, and I have this thing for Lizzie Grubman.
Gaunt and leathery with a few strands of bleached hair pasted to her skull, Lizzie Grubman looks like a homeless Kelly Ripa with a 5 year meth addiction under her belt. And she loves to ram her SUV into crowds of people yet is allowed to roam around free. It's fascinating to me. She is a Swiffer mop and I am a tiny dirt lady.
It therefore makes perfect sense to me that Jacqueline's nasty little Ashley is interning for Lizzie. "You are me," Lizzie hisses after Ashley breaks down into big puffy tears because her mom won't pay for a place in the city. Well, I wouldn't go that far. Ashley is young and plump in a good (albiet spoiled) way, while Lizzie looks like a female Gollum. But both do have criminal records. Cheers to that!
I would have been satisfied with this storyline, but no--there's something much bigger brewing. The main story, the Andy Cohen $$$ Story, revolves around the building tension between Teresa and her sister-in-law/new Housewife Melissa.
"Mirror mirror on the wall, who has the highest hairline of them all?"
Melissa thinks she is hot shit times 100, but I am so anti-Giudice that I immediately decide that I will like Melissa. No matter what comes out of her mouth, I am going to like her for the sole reason that she hates Teresa. Oh, this will be a tough promise to keep.
Why does Melissa hate Teresa? Well, Teresa's grunting pig husband Joe Giudice--not to be confused with Melissa's grunting pig husband Joe Gorga (also Teresa's brother)--has been badmouthing Joe Gorga to Daddy Gorga. It's all very serious and complicated. By the way, do you want to know how to tell the Joes apart? I'll tell you. Joe Giudice is the one who looks like a lobotomized pregnant gorilla and Joe Gorga is the one who looks like he's smeared Rogaine all over his face and then been crushed with an anvil.
So Melissa's baby (yet another Joe) is being christened, and Pregnant Gorilla and Teresa just straight up do not want to go. They don't say so, but they are both dicking around, waiting for the hairdresser (who just happens to be held up at Melissa's) and not getting dressed. As I watch Teresa rifle through dozens, maybe hundreds of expensive little girl purses and trudge around her palatial home bitching about her late hairdresser, my contempt for her is given fresh life. Those greasy, fur-covered, bankrupt Giudices! Still spending, still flaunting as if they don't have a care in the world. And then, just when I think they can't get any more disgusting, Joe announces that he has diarrhea, and Teresa tells the camera that she might too. Fantastic.
This is Joe's excuse for not going to the church. He has decided that he is going to have diarrhea until it's time to go to the party and drink for free. Teresa can't do a damn thing about it and she knows it. "Howz ya stomach, Joe?" she yells sarcastically at Joe as he saunters around the garage while she pulls out of the driveway with two of their be-ruffled kids. I'm pretty sure he told her to fuck off.
Meanwhile, the Gorgas head to church, excited for their son "to enter the kingdom of Jesus."
Because religion is very important to this family. Nevermind that Melissa is at church in a flimsy, off-the-shoulder coral mini-dress dripping with polished aquarium stones. It's what's inside that counts, and Melissa is good on the inside while Teresa and her husband are not. The Giudices treat the world like their very own diaper, crapping on everyone and everything and poisoning the minds of other family members.
Even though it's early and the baptism hasn't started, Melissa knows Teresa and Joe aren't there yet and she rolls her eyes as she chalks up another point for her perfect self. Those damn not-early Giudices! Typical. The baby is finally baptized and afterwards, Teresa comes rushing up, all smiles and congratulations. She's at least trying to put on the appearance of giving a shit, whereas Melissa isn't. Nope. Not at all.
Let's skip to the good part: the christening party! Love and happiness! Celebration! Well, no. Melissa and her sisters are raising their eyebrows and talking trash about Teresa and Joe, and Teresa is telling the camera that she had at least two hunnert at her christening party while it looks like Melissa doesn't even have a hunnert n fifty. Then Joe Giudice appears and gives a stiff smile and congratulations to Joe Gorga. Joe Gorga offers him a shot and while Joe Giudice refuses politely enough, Bravo's music and Joe Gorga's intense scowl let us know the gauntlet has now been thrown DOWN. Apparently it is very bad manners to turn down a shot at a christening party, even if you do have pretend diarrhea.
"Melissa honey, where'd you put the 'My Baptism' shot glass I bought for the baby?"
Unaware of all of this, Teresa is still trying to pretend everything is fine. She approaches her brother and Melissa at their table with more smiles and more congratulations, and Joe Gorga, who is now pretty bombed gives her the most menacing murder look you have ever seen. He tells her to "walk away like you always do" and "you're garbage." You know, the normal things you say to your adult sister in public. Teresa seems genuinely shocked and says something like "if you feel that way, then why did you invite me?" THEN, Melissa's sister, with whom Teresa had been friendly at one time, says "it was a formality" (or something super-bitchy to that effect) and it is now officially ON.
The fight that ensues is a free for all and the most violent thing I have seen since Teresa Giudice's last brawl. Every man in that room is out for BLOOD, rivers of blood. Joe Guidice and Joe Gorga are lunging, trying to beat the guts out of each other, but they are somehow restrained, which is unfortunate because this mutant bloodline needs to be cut off immediately.
One of the Bravo camera people--whom I hope is getting some sort of combat pay--is knocked flat, and for a while, all we see is a Blair Witch style of cinematography with jerking shots of the ceiling and blurred people running for their lives. Meanwhile, Joe Gorga (or is it Joe Giudice? Just joking, it's definitely assface Joe Gorga) is threatening mass murder and sweating like he just emerged from the trunk of car in the middle of July.
During this melee, one of the remaining Bravo cameras focuses on one of the many crosses decorating the room. For a good 5 seconds, I'd say, while we can hear people screaming and children crying and chairs breaking and faces being pounded.
I think this shot should be nominated for an Emmy.
Before I go any further, I would like to say that before this scene, my husband asked how Melissa and brother Joe got on the show and a lightbulb clicked on for me. Who else but Teresa could bring them onto the show? Fake a little family rancor on camera, throw some punches, and everyone cashes in. No biggie. I was totally behind this theory until I see 9 year old Gia crying and begging her mom to stop and Teresa's elderly, sickly dad is being pushed around while obviously very distressed. This fight was not staged for a reality show and good ratings, this is how these people really behave. AT A RELIGIOUS PARTY. FOR A BABY. They are wild animals, the women screeching like monkeys (well, monkeys dressed like Bratz dolls) and the men foaming at the mouth, relishing the thought of ripping a beating heart out of a chest with their teeth.
It was craziness like I have never before seen on tv. Or real life, for that matter. The really weird thing about it to me is that in this video, Melissa (who is every bit as detestable as Teresa, if not more so) says of the fight "if you don't shed a tear, then you are made of stone."
WHAT? Why would anyone cry for these bird-brained assholes? WHY? I may have lost control of my bladder, but I certainly did not cry. These are awful, awful people. Entertaining, but awful. Did you watch? Speak up!
Reader Comments (35)
Love!
I wasn't going to watch this season (I'm slowly weaning myself from reality TV - Jersey Shore was the first to go, then Top Chef Masters, one of the RHo shows will be next), but this premiere of RHoNJ was uh-mazing. Crazypants. The general awfulness of these people is fascinating to this midwestern girl.
Thanks for a super-entertaining recap!
"...and for a while, all we see is a Blair Witch style of cinematography with jerking shots of the ceiling and blurred people running for their lives."
Dying!
And then I literally almost spit out my wine when you said the part about ripping the beating hearts out of each others' chests. They are VILE people, SGM! I honestly was disgusted at the shots of the little children in strollers. Kathy seems like the only redeemable person, am I right?! Awful.
You didn't mention the baby's christening hat, btw. He looked like a pizza chef, did he not?!
Yeah, what's with the funky little hat?
Is that the boy's version of the overwhelming pom pom headgear they make the little girls wear?
What freaks.
Bratz. Swiffer. Blair Witch. Veruca Salt. Female Gollum. Yesssss, Gollum...
Hand to God (and HIs kingdom) I had a bizarre fascination with Grubman for quit some time as well...I'm comforted to discover I wasn't alone. I just about lost my shit when her freaky mug slid on screen. "IS THAT LIZZIE GRUBMAN????" Will she be back? Will we see more of her? If I need to get my ass down to Franklin Lakes to haul that spoiled, lazy Ashley out her bed and drag her into Manhattan every blessed day, I will. I'll do it. Who's with me?
Thank you. A hunnert times, thank you.
As bad as Theresa is, her brother calling her "garbage" in front of her 9 year old daughter was the lowest thing I've ever seen on Bravo. When do they bring Jerry Springer in?
Lizzie Grubman and Kelly Ripa are 2 personalities I could live without, forever. Banish them to the Swiffer aisle.
I love you, your re-cap is great. I saw this show and sat with my mouth open and filling with flies thinking this is how you behave at your own child's baptism? How do you get so drunk at your own christening? My next question was why in the world would you and your super rich builder husband want to be on a show where you come off looking like even bigger a**holes than your s-i-l? They have to know they look like total jerk-offs, RIGHT???
Love your recap, you're the best! You are so spot-on. Loved your description of Lizzie Grubman "Gaunt and leathery with a few strands of bleached hair pasted to her skull, Lizzie Grubman looks like a homeless Kelly Ripa with a 5 year meth addiction under her belt. I am dying of laughter.
And your comparison of Ashley to Veruca Salt, OMG, love, Love, LOVE IT All!!! You simply rock my world with your recaps--so please, don't ever stop humoring us all.
um WOW just saw this episode last night. Lizzy? what up with not eating? she was a skeletor - that was crazy
Where have you gone SGM?
What happened here? This is a crazy ass old post! I hate it when you go missing like this!!!!!