Dear John
Friday, January 11, 2008 
I was about to do a post admitting that I have this itty bitty crush on you, but then when I was searching for an nice picture of you on Perez, I decided that I think we're better as friends. I mean, there was post after post of you doing weird things, like making gooey eyes at Jessica Simpson:
Do you cringe when you see that? Me too!
And then there were all of these little jokes you do for the paps. For example:
No, no, listen. I get your sense of humor and many times I think that you're quite funny. But sometimes I just think that you're trying too hard--putting on too much of a show, you know? It didn't help matters when I saw this post about how Adrian Greiner picks up girls and it made me queasy and a little hesitant to become emotionally involved with a celeb.
It's all very strangely coincidental, actually. Did you see that episode of Entourage where Vinny picks up this girl in a bookstore and they go to a hotel and have fantastic sex? And then later, when he asks if they can get together again, she says no. Her reason: she's engaged and her fiance gave her a free pass should she ever have the chance to sleep with Vinny Chase.
Well, John, immediately prior to this post, I had you lined up to be my "free pass" person. I believe my husband's exact words to me on the subject were "if you can manage to 'hit that', then go right ahead. I'll even watch the kids." He obviously thinks that I couldn't swing it, but hello, Marky Mark rapped my name 16 years ago. Pop stars like me! He also thinks that you're gay. Don't take it personally, John. I think he's just jealous that you had dirty sex with Jess.
Bottom line is, I'll be using my free pass with another celeb. No, please. No begging; I've made up my mind. However, if you want me to be the subject of Your Body is a Wonderland Part 2, I'll be okay with that as long as you don't mention my cellulite or muffin top. And you can be assured that I'll always listen to your music with much fondness, but in a very platonic way.
I'm sorry I had to do this on the blog. I know it's a total a-hole move, but I just couldn't face telling you in person or even on the phone. Plus your agent wouldn't give me your address or cell number. Please know that I still care for you as a person and hope we can still be friends.
Sincerely,
SGM
Reader Comments (28)
My free pass has been approved by my husband, and it is with Matthew McConaughey. I know, I know, he did it with Penelope Cruz for a while, but there is just something about him. I will even watch the worst movies just to get a glimpse of him. I am pretty sure that I was next in line with him, but he got that other gal preggers so he'll be the man and stay with her, I respect that.
You are too funny, I laugh and I laugh and then I read some more and then I laugh again. You are great therapy ( and much cheaper than a psychiatrist)!! Keep it up.
Umm, you saw this, right?
http://perezhilton.com/2008-02-05-nicely-manscaped
I just think he tries too hard.
Alas,
Leah