This just in: "Alex compensates for insecurity by being pretentious"

Bethenny, thank you for voicing what viewers have known since the first episode aired. How is it that you're the only one on the show who's onto Alex and her extreme douchebaggery?

Before I begin the Real Housewives of New York City recap, I'd like to make a brief announcement to Lauren (Bethenny's friend from this episode) and Tamra Barney from the OC:

Will you please stop telling the camera about how much sex you have with your husbands? Because my husband actually believes you when you say have sex every day and that you're exhausting your husbands. He's holding it up to me as the standard and I don't appreciate it.

Ladies, if you're having sex every day, then you either a) have known your husband for less than 3 years and have no children and jobs or b) YOU'RE LYING.

Thank you. Now back to the recap.

1. Alex. I love to start out with you. I would pay money to see your face when you watch Jill tell the camera how low-rent you are for going to St. Bart's in August. Woo! Cut low.

I think you should teach a class called "How to be Really Fucking Annoying." Lessons would include

- speaking in a different language in order to show-off and exclude others

- giving your children asshole nicknames

-acting like you know everything about everything, including opera, singing, playing the violin and piano, speaking French, Italian, Latin and working at Victoria's Secret Beauty (did you all catch that? Priceless!).

-taking a tour of a private school for your three year old while still being really fucking annoying with your ass-kissing demeanor. Example:

2. Ramoner. First, congratulations on being names dlisted's hot slut of the week. It's a true honor, and I'm sure Mario brags about it to his buddies. Avery's probably not so proud, but eh, what does she know? She's just an uptight 12 year old. (Avery if you're reading this, I'm totally being sarcastic. I think you're adorable and more grown-up than your mom).

Ramoner, where did you find your friends? Oy. I know the word tranny is so overused in reality tv these days, but the one with the Cher hair c. 1976 was oh so tranny-like. I had a good chuckle when one of the sleazy divorced men at your table told her she looked promiscuous and she was (allegedly) offended.

Shall we talk about about your monster stage-mothering? The keen-eyed Mamacita emailed me with the brilliant observation that you look a smidge like Dina Lohan.

I think the similarities do not end there. Is there such a thing as preventative rehab? Because you should look into it for Avery.

3. The Countess. I don't care about the lice your children caught in Switzerland. Really, I don't. It happens, even to rich people with titles. No biggie. When you scootched closer to Alex at dinner, I hope you gave her those lice. Dear Countess, the fact that you wanted to spend time talking to Alex speaks volumes about you. VOLUMES.

FYI, you're too old to be going to watch bands and getting wasted downtown with your 23 year old niece. Oh, about your niece, I didn't really think anything of that low headbandish-thing she was wearing until my husband remarked "if she put a feather in it, she'd be Pocahontas." So true:

4. Rosanna, the Countess' housekeeper/nanny.

I love that she's doing air-quotes here AND wearing Lacoste. Is she slowly morphing into a Housewife?

I respect your straight talking advice and love for the Countess' spoiled white kids. You're pretty much most likable person on this show besides Avery, which makes me sad because methinks you are going to be fired tonight. Just a guess. You spoke the truth, sister, but La Comtesse probably won't stand for it. I suggest you move to Orange County and hook up with Vicki. Instead of expecting you to raise her children, she will give you a makeover and a job with dignity. Call her.

5. Bethenny. No one understands why you are on this show because you are not a housewife, but I am glad you are here all the same. Your pithy observations about the rest of the cast are headlights into the cold darkness of their souls. We feel your pain in being forced to socialize with these people:

About boyfriend Jason--where did I read that he was the one who talked you into being on this show? Because you'd never know it with his one word answers and his constant refrain of "let's discuss it later." By the way, Bethenny, this is code for "I'd rather not talk about this in front of a camera crew and millions of gd strangers." Clue in, girlfriend!

6. Jill. To be honest, I'm too tired to talk about you. I did enjoy your St. Bart's nastiness mentioned above, and it was enlightening to me to see that you envision yourself as a Connector in Alex and Simon's fantasy game world. Strangely, you are growing on me.

What do you think?

Will the real gay husband please stand up?

Both of them, obviously. Let's recap Real Housewives of New York City!

1. Alex. I just heave a big sigh and shake my head when I think of you. Every time you open your mouth, I become more and more convinced that you and Simon are playing some weird sci-fi fantasy game where your goal is to seek out people called Connectors who will build some sort of magical path which will lead you to High-Profile People and then eventually to the inner circle of Aerin Lauder. Oh, honey. It's delusional on so many levels.

Alex's thoughts at this moment: "is Jason a Connector or just a decoy sent by the opposition? Think, Alex, think! Yes--I have it--I will secretly look him up and down and then quiz him on his knowledge of Cavalli."

I truly mean it when I say that you are so mother-effing insufferable. It took serious self-restraint on Bethenny's part not to slap you when you started agitating over when to start Francois on violin, and how to get him into music school and it's all so crucial because he's three and almost past his prime (I editorialized a little bit on that last part). I wanted to reach through the tv and give you a little smack myself.

There are so many more things I could point out, but Jesus, aren't you tired of being my whipping boy (girl)?

2. Ramoner. I'm still warming to you. You have Avery and Mario, who seem to be nice people and that works in your favor. The Avery acting thing doesn't bother me so much because a) you were (allegedly) approached by an agent and b) Avery could totally get work as Dakota Fanning's sister.

I have to admit, when you started talking shit about models (as in "modeling is brainless") in front of a model and the former model Countess, it was so embarrassing that it was kind of endearing. But for all of you Ramoner haters, I will acknowledge the fact that her eyes do bug out crazily and she does have Chrissy from Three's Company hair (thanks, Brilliant Asylum for hitting the nail on the head with that one).

3. Countess. You act perfectly lovely in front of Ramoner and try to console her about her faux pas but then talk so disparagingly about her behind her back. I do not approve. Why do you agree to hang out with her? Is Bravo forcing it? Hmpf. When you see yourself act all nasty on tv, I hope you have the dignity to cringe and perhaps apologize to Ramoner.

I must admit, however, that you are still so gorgeous. The white halter dress? That green sequin top? Your perfect skin? If you stopped being so snobby, you would be so loved by the viewing public (and probably your housekeeper too). Your daughter Victoria--beautiful--but why is she looking 18 to me when she is actually 12? Is she wearing make-up? Grooming her eyebrows? Is she just tall? What's going on here?

4. Bethenny. When Alex announces with concern that her husband has texted her about whether to wear dark brown or light brown boots, Bethenny gives this priceless look of disbelief and says " he is in the midst of a deep homosexual panic." Really, this is the most perfect quote ever uttered in the history of reality tv. Bethenny, you would be my favorite for this comment alone, but you went on to admit you watch reality tv and make fun of Jill's accent in front of her. Love it. I also love that you are so low drama that the producers have to make up some boring storyline about your ex to make you appear controversial.

5. Jill. So many topics, as usual.

First, your mother. I felt so sorry for you during the part with your mother. Really, girl. She was unnecessarily hard on you! I missed the reason why mom was holding her nose in the car and acting like she was going to die--was it because she didn't like the smell of your shampoo? Drama, anyone? Jesus. I feel like I understand you better after seeing where you came from, and I must say that I felt a tiny bit satisfied on your behalf when your mother was criticizing you so harshly as you were trying on dresses, yet she was sitting like two-bit hooker with her legs wide open. Did anyone else catch that?

Second, how old are you? At first I thought you were mid-forties, but your skin is really lovely. I think the big boobs age you. Reduction, sister. Consult.

Third, is Brad's gay husband position paid? Because it appears that this man's only job is to drive your car and help you shop all while keeping you entertained and pacified. If this is a friendship, it's very one-sided.

Fourth, your diva fit about not being in the front row of a fashion show? You're acting like your mother, don't you see it?! Break the cycle!

Fifth, it was really nice of you to offer to help Alex with Francois's school issues. Really. I'm offering you a compliment here. Take it.

Sixth, your quote "I don't think it's [k]lassy to talk about money." Riiiiight. So convincing as you pull out $2000 IN CASH to pay for your 14 year old daughter's dress. wtf? Are you in the mafia or something? Who carries around 2 large, sister?

That about wraps it up. I must admit that I was a bit distracted by the Celebrity Rehab reunion, which was excellent from what I saw. WHY do I cry every time I see Mary Carey in her ballet outfit? WHY?! Ladies, it is imperative that I get tivo because I can't focus on live tv when someone is talking on the phone or trying to talk to me. And equally compelling tv shows on at the same time? Torture. It's time to do something about it.

Double air-kisses and love to you all!

Real Housewives of New York City

I do not like black licorice

If you watched Real Housewives of NYC tonight, then you understand the title of this post. Let's get started with personal messages to all of the "housewives."

1. Alex. Not much of you tonight, and I have to say I was a little disappointed. I'd like to remind you that people who brag about how wonderful their marriages are, how in love they are, how perfect their families are . . . they are the ones who end up getting divorced and/or humiliated in very public ways. Remember Kathy Lee Gifford? No? Then how about Nick and Jessica? Spencer and Heidi?

I think the consensus is that your husband is a closeted homosexual. Watch your back, honey. Also, your boob was showing when Simon and you were having your smug-fest.

2. Bethenny. Meh. Boring. The best part was your cute little dress with the Greek key trim, first noted by Brilliant Asylum, and apparently designed by Ginny Hilfiger. Witness:

However, I was not crazy about the cropped red leather jacket that you wore with it. No biggie. I'll give you a free pass on that one because of your really awful childhood.

3. Ramoner. And no, that is not a typo. That is how Jill pronounces Ramona's name and it drives me fucking INSANE! I swear, the accents on this show increase the these-people-suck quotient by 75%.

But back to you, Ramoner. I am totally on your side in your battle with Jill. You didn't have to invite her to your small cooking party, and your excuse to the cameras was totally legit. It's that damn Countess who backstabbed you! You didn't lie when asked "where's Jill," you said "I don't know, I think she's in the city." The "I don't know" protects you in my book. You were caught in an awkward situation, okay? I understand.

Ramoner, I am actually starting to like you and your husband Mary-o, but you must work on the wardrobe. Avery was right--I don't care if that top was Missoni, it looked like lingerie. You were showing way. too. much. It makes you look older. And desperate for attention.

4. La Comtesse. You are so beautiful and have no accent, which means you could be my favorite, but no. You are proving yourself to be a nasty, pretentious person. So unfortunate! For reals, girl. Let's look into being gracious, okay? If Ramoner invites you to a cooking party, you either happily accept or you decline and go about your business. You don't accept and then get all smirky "I'm too cool for this shit" behind her back. Also, making fun of Ramoner's horse-show outfit to the camera was such a crappy thing to do. Now look what you've done! You've made me defend Ramoner's outfit.

Don't think I didn't notice the part you played in the Ramoner-Jill fight. You totally twisted Ramoner's words and then said that Ramoner just should have been straight-forward and admitted that Jill wasn't invited. The irony! You don't know the first thing about being straight-forward.

5. Jill. Where do I begin? First, are you Joy Behar's sister?

Because I close my eyes when you speak AND I HEAR JOY BEHAR. There's a resemblance right?

Second, quit pushing the Bobby-Allyson relationship. Ally doesn't love Bobby like you do and you need to be okay with this. Sheesh. Also, the food issues that are going on here with Ally? Bad. Bad, bad, bad. The detox was not about arthritis, toots. If it was, you would have not screamed with joy at seeing your daughter lose 11 pounds in 8 days.

Third, don't wear tanks with straps one inch wide. Stacy and Clinton from What Not to Wear will back me up on this. Your boobs are waaaay too big. But your tank top choice was nice in that the inappropriate cleavage reminded me of the OC ladies.

Fourth, you kind of insinuated that you invented the phrase "gay husband." You did not. Just wanted to clarify that because my gullible husband thought that you were clever for it.

Fifth, I will explain the black licorice reference. Bethenny remarked, "Jill is like black licorice. You either like it or you hate it." Then there was a bit of a pause and Bethenny said "I like black licorice." I know that I'm mixing Bravo metaphors, but Bethenny's been in the monkey house too long.

This show is an adult version of My Super Sweet Sixteen. No one cares about being friends; they only care about out-doing each other. And you're damn straight I will keep watching it.

Thoughts?

Real Housewives of New York City

An Existential Crisis of Sorts

The evil Skeletor, aka Alex

After watching Real Housewives of New York City, my first instinct was to sell all of my belongings and move to some remote area of Canada. Or just put a bullet through my head. Seriously, this show has made me feel icky all day long. Current questions and concerns:

1) If Jill is so rich, she should be able to afford the best in hair care. Why then is her color so dreadful? I'm just some rube from that blank space between New York City and L.A., and even I can tell that it does not suit her. Kind of looks like a wig too.

2) Alex's "performance" last night put a big bulls-eye on her head. Terrorists, suburbanites, French au pairs, hotel workers in St. Bart's--they probably all want to torture and kill her, and I can't say that I'm upset about it. By the way, if you care to dislike her even more, check out her own personal obnoxious website and a family obnoxious website. What a douche (but for Alex, I will give it a French pronunciation, so that it rhymes with "touché"). Be sure to check out her resume. I hope she busts out that Cockney accent sometime on the show. Jesus.

Also, do you know how old Alex is? I was guessing early 40s. But no. She's 34.

3) What does Simon (Alex's husband) mean that they spent "more than five figures but less than six"? Is this some sort of nouveau-rich math? I think Brilliant Asylum said it perfectly in the comments section of my last post:

I love how that one couple spent "between 5 and 6 figures" on their Cavalli shopping spree and yet they live in a townhouse that looks like it was decorated by a college-age frat boy. Black leather sofas and a particle-board bookshelf full of DVD's in the living room? I expected better style from an obviously closeted husband. How do you say "social climbing posers" in French?

4) Ramona. Let's look into elocution lessons, and therapy for your daughter who will probably never recover from this experience. By the way, when she sees that part about the black thong with the green lace, she's going to throw up. For hours.

5) Bethenny. She acts normal, but the spelling of her name and the fact that she's on this show suggests she's not.

6) The Countess. She doesn't seem that bad, and her son Noel is completely adorable, but like Alex, I would suggest that she sleep with one eye open. That housekeeper is gonna blow if she gets one more responsibility foisted upon her.

I know that Real Housewives of NYC is on my beat and all, but I'm not sure if I can continue to watch. It's harming me on a spiritual level. Please excuse me while I drink some cool water and clean my kitchen in order to muster up the will to live on the same planet as these people (and watch the Project Runway finale tonight). See you later!

"A Vulgar Display of Wealth"

What exactly is he wearing? And does this dress force you to zoom in on the crotch, or what?

I think Bethenny's quote neatly describes this show. Maybe "a vulgar display of vulgarity" is more fitting.

My, but these people are awful. I will think of a more articulate reaction tomorrow, I am sure.

Jeana, Vicki, Tamra--even you, Lauri, but not Quinn or Jo--I miss you. You threw around money too, but you were so much more likable.

Did you watch? Chime in.